"THE ADAMS FAMILY" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by FILMWAY PICTURES in association with ABC. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For Entertainment and Educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Inside the Addams mansion, Morticia is sharpening a large carving knife on a grindstone.

MORTICIA:There darling, I think it's sharp enough now.

Passes knife to Gomez.

GOMEZ:Lovely, Morticia.

Fester is sat still, propped upright on a tall stall.

FESTER:Hurry up, Gomez.

GOMEZ:Are you getting tired, Uncle Fester?

FESTER:No. I like to pose, it's so artistic.

GOMEZ:Good! I want to get the inner you.

Gomez sizes up Fester's head with the knife.

FESTER:Not with that!

GOMEZ:That's just for carving.

FESTER:That's what I'm afraid of!

GOMEZ:(Laughs)Not for carving you, for carving your likeness.

FESTER:Oh..

GOMEZ:Lets have the real, the true, the unadorned you.(Fester smiles)Beautiful, bound for immortality.(Gomez turns round and starts to carve at something)Don't move, don't look, don't even breathe.

FESTER:Don't worry...(Cut off)

GOMEZ:Don't. That's it! Hold it! By Jove, I think I've done it.

Gomez stands back from a grinning pumpkinhead.

FESTER:Why Gomez, you're the Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins.

Turns pumpkinhead towards Morticia.

GOMEZ:How do you like it so far?

MORTICIA:Darling, you have the soul of an artist and the touch of a surgeon.

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

MORTICIA:(Annoucing)And now for the Halloween festivity.

Gomez and Fester are hanging over each end of a giant see-saw, with a barrel of bobbing apples below their heads.

MORTICIA:Are you both ready?

GOMEZ:Ready on the right!

FESTER:Ready on the left!

MORTICIA:Good. Now, when I count three and fire the pistol, it's every man for himself. Alright?

Gomez and Fester make affirmative grunts.

MORTICIA:One.. two...three!

The pistol explodes, Gomez and Fester cry out and swing their arms around trying to tip the scales in their favour.

MORTICIA:Remember, the first one to get an apple in his mouth, wins the Halloween prize.

More grunts and creaking then the doorbell rings like a foghorn.

MORTICIA:Oh, dear. There's the doorbell.

GOMEZ:I'll get it.

Gomez jumps up and Fester crashes head first into his barrel, then rises gurgling with an apple in his mouth.

MORTICIA:Uncle Fester, I can't understand a word you're saying!

FESTER:What I was trying to say was, I was drowning!

MORTICIA:Well, it was worth it, you won the prize.

FESTER:(Cheering up)Oh goody, what do I get?

MORTICIA:This..(Kisses Fester's head)

FESTER:(Annoyed)What kind of prize is that?

MORTICIA:Well, I had planned it for Gomez. I did so think he was going to win.

Gomez returns.

GOMEZ:It was just Pugsley and Wednesday rehearsing a 'trick or treat' approach.

MORTICIA:Oh dear! They're already out there with their little bags, we have nothing for the other children.

GOMEZ:I could give them each a walrus tusk?

MORTICIA:But darling, it's Halloween.

GOMEZ:Two walrus tusks?

MORTICIA:No,no,no dear. They want little goodies.

GOMEZ:Oh...(Lurch brings a guillotine with which he proceeds to slice sandwiches) Perfect! Bite sized salamander sanwiches.(Gomez tastes one and cries out in triumph)Make a couple of hundred, Lurch. We're going to have a lot of 'trick or treater's' tonight.(Lurch groans)

Uncle Fester sit's in the fireplace stirring a smoking cauldron, Grandmama sits next to him pummeling a churnstaff.

MORTICIA:Momma, how's that porcupine taffy coming?

GRANDMAMA:About done. Just after I add a few more quills.

MORTICIA:And the punch, Uncle Fester?

FESTER:(noisy explosion)Thar' she blows!

MORTICIA:Ah, well. We're almost ready for the little trick or treater's.

GOMEZ:When was the last time any of them came to our house?

MORTICIA:Eight years ago, but I do want to be ready.(Wednesday enters wearing a fairy princess costume, complete with wand and tiara)Why, wednesday, I didn't expect you until the morning!

GOMEZ:Nobody home in the neighbourhood?

GRANDMAMA:I told her to wear a nice ghost get-up.

FESTER:You probably scared people to death with that horrible costume!

WEDNESDAY:I didn't scare anyone, Pugsley's still out trying.

GOMEZ:What's wrong? Didn't you have a good time?

WEDNESDAY:(Starts to cry)I had lots of fun.

MORTICIA:Oh, darling, What's this? Tears on our very own holiday. Why, all those nice witches and goblins flying around.

WEDNESDAY:That's just it, they told us there weren't any witches.

MORTICIA:(Shocked)What?!

GOMEZ:What fiend uttered that vile connard?

WEDNESDAY:Mr Thompson, across the street.

MORTICIA:What a terrible thing to tell a child.

GOMEZ:He should be horse whipped!

FESTER:If I was a horse, I'd whip him!

WEDNESDAY:(Dejected)Well, I guess I'd better go up to bed. If you can't believe in witches, what can you believe in?(Wednesday leaves)

MORTICIA:Oh, Gomez...

GOMEZ:Poor little Wednesday. One careless remark and a child's ideals are crushed.

MORTICIA:I think you ought to call that Mr Thompson and tell him what his lies have done.

GOMEZ:Excellent idea.

Thing pops up from his box on the table and dials the phone.

FESTER:I still think he ought to be horse whipped! I'll get a horse.

MORTICIA:Uncle Fester! you don't make friends by whipping people.

GOMEZ:Your right, my dear. We must be civilised about these things. I'll reason with him.(Shout's down phone)Thompson! You lieing scoundrel! What are these vile connards that you've been telling my children?(Pause)

MORTICIA:What is he saying, dear?

GOMEZ:He doesn't know what a vile connard means.

MORTICIA:How uncouth!

GOMEZ:Thompson, what I mean is, what's the big idea of telling my children there are no witches?(Pause)Really?(Pause)You don't say. Well, that's an interesting point of view. Goodbye.(Hangs up)

MORTICIA:Well, darling, did he apologize?

GOMEZ:Not exactly, He called me a nut. Morticia, there are witches aren't there?

MORTICIA:Oh, of course there are, darling. Remember our great, great, great Aunt Singe? She was burned at Salem. Come here, dear.(Morticia, Gomez and Fester walk over to an ornate urn, sitting on a corner table)These are her ashes.

FESTER:That's Aunt Singe, alright. She still looks pretty good too.

GOMEZ:Well, that settles it, we can't take this lying down. We have to prove to that little girl, that witches do exist!

MORTICIA:If we can only get one witch to sit down and explain things to her.

GOMEZ:Caramia, that's a big order! Where are we going to find a witch like that.

MORTICIA:In the classifieds.

They go back to the telephone, Thing palms through the directory.

GOMEZ:Right, just look under 'w'.(Disappointed)No witches.

MORTICIA:Maybe their telephone numbers are unlisted. No, look here, darling. Look!

GOMEZ:Carida, that's witch hazel!

MORTICIA:Oh, so it is. Well, perhaps we'd better advertise.

GOMEZ:Ah, good thinking, 'witch wanted, no questions asked.'

FESTER:Won't work.

GOMEZ:Why not?

FESTER:Want ads closed two hours ago.

Fester looks at a hour glass strapped to his wrist.

MORTICIA:Gomez, I have a truly inspirational idea!

GOMEZ:Second honeymoon?

MORTICIA:No, darling. If we want a witch, why don't we call our own Aunt Singe?

GOMEZ:Won't that be a bit inconvenient?

MORTICIA:In spirit, darling. We'll hold a seance.

Grandmama watches with growing concern.

FESTER:Oh, I love seances. Last time I talked to my dear departed brother, Clump.

GOMEZ:Did he answer?

FESTER:No, that's how I knew it was my brother, Clump. He was a quiet one.

MORTICIA:Then it's all settled, we'll hold a seance tonight, and throw ourselves on Aunt Singe's mercy.

GOMEZ:You think she'll answer?

MORTICIA:Oh course! What right thinking witch would turn down a child on Halloween?!

Grandmama sneaks away to the Addams kitchen. Lurch is washing dishes and then holding them for Thing to wipe from his box on the draining board. Grandmama enters behind Lurch and whistles, causing Lurch to jump and drop one of his plates..

GRANDMAMA:I always forget I frighten you.

LURCH:On Halloween....

GRANDMAMA:Sorry, forgive me, Thing. Lurch, this is an emergency. What are you doing tonight?

LURCH:The movies....

GRANDMAMA:Alone?

LURCH:With Thing...

GRANDMAMA:Forget it! Tonight, you've got to stay here and help me!(Thing leaves, banging his lid in anger, Lurch groans)well you've got to. Imagine that Morticia and Gomez, thinking they can get a witch to pop up on a hours notice, especially on Halloween, the busiest night in the year. You do realise how disappointed those children will be? (Lurch groans affirmatively)I'm glad you feel that way, Lurch. So, tonight, you are a witch!(Lurch looks horrified)

 

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The addams cellar. Morticia, Gomez, Fester, Grandmama and Wednesday are positioning themselves around a small circular table.

MORTICIA:Well, we're almost ready. Oh, dear, did you alert Cousin Cackle in his cave?

GOMEZ:He's on his way over, darling.

LURCH:Cousin Cackle...

Cousin Cackle enters dressed in dirty rags, with a mad, wild eyed expression behind a large unkept beard. Gomez greets him warmly.

GOMEZ:Good of you to come, Cousin.(Cousin Cackle laughs hysterically)Same old gammy Cackle!

MORTICIA:Ah, Cousin Cackle, how good to hear your voice. You know, since you moved out to the cave, the attic just hasn't been the same.(Cackle laughs)Why, of course you may sit down.

GOMEZ:Sit over here, Cousin. Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

MORTICIA:Let's see. Are we all here? Oh yes, all except Pugsley. He's still out tricking and treating.(Thing waves to get attention)Why, of course Thing, we wouldn't dream of starting without you.

GOMEZ:At a seance, every hand counts!

MORTICIA:Now, we shall try to contact Aunt Singe.(Calls)Lurch!(Lurch enters and places a steamng pot on the table)Thank you, Lurch. We'll need a serpent's tooth?!

GRANDMAMA:Coming up!(Grandmama breaks off one of her teeth and puts it in the pot)It was loose anyway.

MORTICIA:Thank you, darling. Now! Now, we should really have the jawbone of an ass.

FESTER:Don't look at me!

LURCH:Jawbone...(Drops bone into pot)

MORTICIA:Ooh, thank you, Lurch. You think of everything! Now, please put out the lights and bring me a candle.(Puts candle in the centre of the table)Thank you, Lurch. You may go.(As Lurch leaves the room, he looks back and signals to Grandmama)Ah, now, everybody hold hands and concentrate.(Chants)

'O, noble spirits in your lofty sphere,

look down upon this small ensemble.....'

GOMEZ:Ensemble! That's French!

Gomez grabs Morticia's arm and kisses it passionately.

MORTICIA:(Startled)Darling! Please! I'm trying to contact Aunt Singe!

GOMEZ:Oh!(Looks up)Sorry Aunty.

MORTICIA:Take hands again and concentrate.(Gives Gomez a dirty look and continues to chant)

'O Fire of Salem,

O flame of Satan.

Come in Aunt Singe,

we're all awaiting.'

(Calls out slowly)'Come in Aunt Singe! Come in Aunt Singe! Please come in!'

Lurch has gone into the adjoining room, listens to Morticia from behind a wall and looks about for some way of communicating. He finds a funnel which he puts in a crack in the brick work and shouts through in a high pitched tone.

LURCH:(Falsetto)You called.(Holds throat in agony)

GOMEZ:By george, she answered!

MORTICIA:She may be cinders but she's a lady.

FESTER:How do we really know it is Aunt Singe?

GRANDMAMA:Of course it's her, I'll show you.(Calls)'Hello out there! If that's you Aunt Singe, Knock three times and whistle twice. If it isn't, whistle once and knock twice. You'd better make that four knock's and two whistles or, and one short whistle and two long knock's if your not.'

Lurch looks puzzled and tries to count on fingers, then shrugs his shoulders.

LURCH:(Falsetto)This is Aunt Singe!

GOMEZ:There!

MORTICIA:Aunt Singe, would you please say something to Wednesday?

LURCH:(Falsetto)Hello, Wednesday!

WEDNESDAY:Please, come see us. Please! Just once!

LURCH:(Falsetto)Well...alright.

WEDNESDAY:(Chirpy)Oh, goody! We'll wait up for you!

GOMEZ:Morticia, you've done it!

MORTICIA:How could she resist such a loving invitation?

Morticia pulls a noose, a gong sounds and Lurch is immediately beside her.

LURCH:(Falsetto)You ra...(Clears throat, normal deep tone)You rang?

MORTICIA:Yes,Lurch. Put some hot coals in the guest room, Aunt Singe is coming!

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Morticia is painting on a board, mounted on a easel. Gomez enters behind her with a wooden pole and reads over Morticia's shoulder.

GOMEZ:'Welcome, Aunt Singe!' I hope Aunt singe likes children.

MORTICIA:All witches love children. Remember 'Hansel and Gretel'?

GOMEZ:They almost wound up in an oven, until then that old witch couldn't have been nicer!

MORTICIA:Couldn't possibly! And then she wound up in the oven! Ah, some children are so unappreciative. I hope Aunt Singe doesn't disappoint Wednesday.

Lurch and grandmama are listening from behind the door.

GRANDMAMA:I asked you to be a voice, not make a personal appearance. Where am I gonna find a witch?

LURCH:Hiring hall?

GRANDMAMA:I guess I'll just have to go out and see what's flying around?

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Morticia is stood playing the bagpipes and Gomez is pacing to and fro.

MORTICIA:Darling, am I disturbing your thoughts?

GOMEZ:(Starts dancing and singing)No, carida, that's my favourite song!

MORTICIA:(Reproachful)Gomez, I was playing it's a long, long way to Tipperary!

GOMEZ:Oh! Well, then that's my favourite song.

MORTICIA:You are an angel.

GOMEZ:And a worried one, What if Aunt Singe doesn't appear tonight? Little Wednesday will be heartbroken!

MORTICIA:Oh, dear. That's true, maybe if we should buy her nice gift just in case?!

GOMEZ:Capital idea, what will it be?

MORTICIA:Well, you know how fond children are of pets?

GOMEZ:A new pet, perfect! I'll have Lurch get my hat.(Pulls noose bellpull three times, silence)I think the bells out of order. No problem!(Picks up a hammer and hits a fairground test your strength machine which gongs)

LURCH:You rang?

GOMEZ:My hat and cane, Lurch.(Lurch gives them to him)Thank you. Problem is solved. (Gomez leaves)

MORTICIA:(To herself)Ah, such dash, such style, such 'savoir faire'.

Gomez jumps back in through the window, panting.

GOMEZ:Tish, you spoke French!

MORTICIA:Darling! Please! The pet.

GOMEZ:Ah, yes. I'll be back in half an hour... on this watch....(Checks pocket then wrist watch)twenty minutes on this one.(Leaves)

 

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Morticia is sat, plucking randomly at a sitar and screeching. Lurch enters and coughs politely.

MORTICIA:Yes, Lurch, what is it?

LURCH:Mr Addams...

MORTICIA:Back so soon?

LURCH:Wants you to close your eyes...

MORTICIA:Ah, yes, a surprise.(Eyes closed)Dear Wednesday will be so thrilled.

GOMEZ:Very well, My love, open your eyes!

Gomez is standing next to a horse and looking very pleased with himself.

MORTICIA:Gomez! What a lovely gift, a yack!

GOMEZ:Darling, that's a horse!

MORTICIA:It is?! There is a resemblance.

GOMEZ:Resemblance? Look at these blue ribbons.

MORTICIA:He won them?

GOMEZ:I bought them! I thought they'd look nice on him.

MORTICIA:Oh, they will, darling, they will. Now, lets see, what shall we name him?

GOMEZ:How about...(Thinks) Fido?

MORTICIA:Fido! For a horse?!?

GOMEZ:Rover?

MORTICIA:Much better.

GOMEZ:Ever see such lines on an animal?

MORTICIA:Never!

GOMEZ:He's highly trained too, watch.(To horse)Alright Rover.(Shouts)Attention!!(Rover doesn't move)Ever see a quicker, more intelligent animal?

MORTICIA:It's almost human!

GOMEZ:He counts too, watch..(To horse)Alright Rover, how many fingers?(Holds up two fingers,Rover doesn't move)He hates to show off. I'll make it a little easier for ya. How many now?(Holds up closed fist, Rover doesn't move)By George, he guessed it!

Fester enters through a hole in the ceiling via his firemans pole.

FESTER:(To horse)Well, Aunt Singe!

MORTICIA:Uncle Fester! Does that look like Aunt Singe?

FESTER:You mean it isn't?

MORTICIA:It's a horse!

FESTER:Are you sure?

GOMEZ:It's not only a beautiful animal but smart too! He can count to ten.

FESTER:Big deal. I can count to twenty!

MORTICIA:The horse didn't go to school.

FESTER:Neither did I!

GOMEZ:Point!

Wednesday enters, still in her fairy costume.

MORTICIA: Hello Wednesday, darling. Come and see the new pet we have for you. Do you like him?

WEDNESDAY:He's very nice but I'd rather have a spider.

MORTICIA:A spider or a horse, darling, whats the difference?

WEDNESDAY:But I'd rather have a spider!

GOMEZ:Alright, a spider it is. A beautiful black widow spider! Well, back goes Rover.(Pats horse)Sorry old man.

FESTER:No! I'll take him, and if I hear any more subversive talk from our neighbour, Thompson...HORSE WHIPPED! Come on, Rover.

 

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

Outside the Addams mansion. A middle-aged couple, badly dressed as a witch and the man as a devil, argue as they reach the Addams gate.

HENRY:(Meekly)It's your turn,dear.(Hand's over a piece of paper)Here's the list.

PENELOPE:(Overbearing tone)You and your silly friends and they're silly Halloween scavenger hunt!

HENRY:But, Penelope, it's all part of the halloween fun.

PENELOPE:(Angrily snatches list)Fun, my foot! But at least it got me us of the house, so I didn't have to face those pesky little 'trick or treaters'.

HENRY:Darling, you look just fine in you witches costume. It fits you perfectly.

PENELOPE:(Reproachful)What!?!

HENRY:(Cowering)I mean the size is right.

PENELOPE:Just how longer do you intend to keep up this nonsense?

HENRY:Just till we get the three last items. Now, you try this house, and I'll try the next one.(Leaves)

PENELOPE:(Shouts derisively)Halloween!!(The Addams gate opens and closes after her of it's own volition, she watches in disgust)The ridiculous things people do on halloween!

She pulls the doorbell which comes away in her hand. Lurch appears.

PENELOPE:Look I....(Cut off)

LURCH:I know. Gramdma sent you...

PENELOPE:Nobody sent me.

LURCH:Then, you must be...,follow me...

She follows, looking with disbelief at the items in the house. Lurch annouces her to a Morticia and Gomez.

LURCH:Visitor from spirit world....

GOMEZ:By George, you made it!

MORTICIA:Welcome to our humble,earthly abode.

PENELOPE:Well! Have you people been on a scavenger hunt! Could you spare a few things? I've got to find three items. Would you have a Louisville bat, black?

MORTICIA:Gomez, darling, do they come in any other colours?

GOMEZ:(Thinks)The Louisville....I don't know. But we can get you some hometown black bats from the attic?

Wednesday enters carrying a placard that reads 'WELCOME AUNT SINGE'.

WEDNESDAY:Good evening, Aunt Singe!

PENELOPE:Aunt Singe?!? I don't know what your talking about? You must have mistaken me for someone else!(Starts to leave)

MORTICIA:No, no, no, we didn't! That's a Addams face if I ever saw one. Look at that chin, dear.

GOMEZ:Flabby, weak, receding.

MORTICIA:Beautiful!

GOMEZ:Oh, Aunty, here's a broom.(Hands her a broom)And, if you cold do a few quick turns around the room, I'm sure Wednesday would appreciate it.

PENELOPE:(Anxiously takes broom)Turns?

Lurch returns with cage of live bats.

LURCH:The bats....

PENELOPE:(Shrieks)Live bats?!

Fester enters and removes a glowing lightbulb from his mouth to speak.

FESTER:Why didn't someone tell me Aunt Singe was here? I was just catching a little snooze, up in my tree.

PENELOPE:Did you say 'up in your tr...'(Cut off)

There's a roar and a lion crawls downstairs.

MORTICIA:Oh, isn't that sweet! Even Kitty Kat's come down to welcome you!

Penelope screams, then faints into Lurch arms. Kitty runs back upstairs crying.

MORTICIA:The emotional reunion must have been too much for her!

Cousin Cackle suddenly appears and tries to revive her by slapping her face. She wakes, see's Cackles maniacal face and runs screaming through the window still clutching the broom.

GOMEZ:Well, that's the way it goes on Halloween! You have to keep on the move!

MORTICIA:I'm so glad she kept her promise and I'm very happy she's using our broom.

Grandmama enters.

GRANDMAMA:Listen everybody, I've got bad news! Aunt Singe isn't coming!

MORTICIA:What?

GOMEZ:Isn't coming?

GRANDMAMA:No, I've just left her and she said to tell you she's sorry but on account of the big Halloween rush.....

MORTICIA:But Grandmama, Aunt Singe was just here!

GRANDMAMA:(Puzzled)She was?

MORTICIA:Oh, yes, and whatever she told you about the holiday rush is quite true, why, she flew right out the window!

GOMEZ:She even forgot her hat!(Picks up hat and puts it on Morticia)Beautiful!

 

ACT THREE

SCENE TWO

Gomez and Fester are back on their human seesaw, grunting and straining themselves furiously when the doorbell rings.

MORTICIA:Oh, dear, there's the doorbell!

GOMEZ:I'll get it!

Gomez runs to the door and fester crashes into his barrel once again.

MORTICIA:What is it, darling?

GOMEZ:It's a note from my neighbour, Mr Thompson.

MORTICIA:What does he say?

GOMEZ:(Reading)He say's he apologizes for calling me a nut. He's now convinced there are witches and in fact he's threatening to call the police unless we get that witch off our roof!

MORTICIA:(Excited)There's a witch on are roof?

Grandmama comes down the stairs, holding a broom.

GRANDMAMA:What's up?

GOMEZ:There's a witch on our roof!

GRANDMAMA:There' nothing of the kind!

MORTICIA:How do you know?

GRANDMAMA:I was just up there!

Grandmama walks past Morticia and Gomez who give each other a doubtful look.

 

END

CLOSING CREDITS