The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is archived at "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE". "ALICE" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by CBS in association with WARNER BROS. TELEVISION. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(As the scene opens Flo is talking to some customers at the booths.)

Flo:  Ha and so the preacher says the first person who looks at that poor woman will be struck blind.  So one of the deacons say's well then I am going to risk one eye.

(Men at the booth starts laughing.  Then a man walks in and taps Alice on the shoulder.)

Joule:  Are you busy?

Alice:  No do you want to dance?

(Joule walks over to where Vera is.  Vera has a box of straws in her hand.)

Joule:  Hi Vera

(Vera was scared and throws all the straws in the air.  Alice is in the back and the plate of dishes she is carrying is getting to heavy and she starts to crawl on her knees.)

Mel:  Flo.....(Mel rings his bell to call Flo over to the counter.)

(Alice gets scared and throws the dishes in the sink.)

Mel:  Pick up two bacon and eggs.  Come here Alice.  I see your boyfriend is back.

(Joule waves to Alice.)

Alice:  Mel he is not my boyfriend.

Mel:  Well see him on your own time will ya.

Alice:  He is not my boyfriend.

(Flo comes up.)

Mel:  What are you doing back there?

Flo:  Giving Bird Jeckons a thrill every time I lean over to check the  sugar bowl I get a 50 cent tip.

Mel:  Give me a thrill, pick up your orders.

Flo:  Oh Kiss my grits.

(Alice walks over to the man.  And also runs into Vera.)

Alice:  Oh I'm sorry Vera.  You all right?

Vera:  Yeah I'm Sorry

Alice:  Excuse me,  Look....

Joule:  Did you change your mind?

Alice:  No

Joule:  Hey look now two people meet, one ask the other person out to  dinner what could possibly happen.

Alice:  Well one person could say no and the other person could leave. Listen will you please go I'm gonna lose my job.

Joule:  All right but I'm gonna be back.

(Alice walks over to Tommy.)

Alice:  Now you Tommy Mel fixed you a nice plate of his special at least you can do is eat it.

Tommy:  Oh come on Mom when the special is lamb stew and limo beans the most I can do is eat it.

Alice:  You know you where a lot nicer before my fall from the highths from stardom.

Tommy:  Singing from a piano bar in Kanas City is stardom?

Alice:  You know what I like about you?

Tommy:  What?

Alice:  Huh you cant think of anything either huh.  Come on you are going to be later for school.

Tommy:  Wait!

Alice:  No

Tommy:  I haven't figured out your tip yet.

Alice:  Well figure this 15% of nothing is nothing.  Good-bye I love ya.

(An older man walks in)

Flo:  Morning stuff.

Old Man:  Hi ya Flo (Man pinches Flos butt.)

Flo:  whops watch it your gonna blow that paste-maker.

(The old man walks over to Alice and pinches her butt Alice screams and Vera gets scared and again and throws straws every where.  Alice starts to walk back behind the counter where Vera is as the old man approaches her.)

Old Man:  You sure are a pretty little sugar plump.  Haven't seen you around,  You work here?

Alice:  Yeah I have been here about four or five weeks.

Vera:  Sorry

Alice:  Don't leave me.

(Old man motions to Alice to come here Alice walks over to him and listens as she holds a menu up to her face.)

Old Man:  I'll give ya a candy bar if you come in the back room with me for five minutes

Alice:  Will you excuse me for a minute please?  (Alice goes over to where Flo is.)  You see that guy over there?  Don't look,  do you want to know what he just said to me?

Flo:  Oh relax honey his harmless, he don't know what he's saying half the time,  you wanna know what he said to me once?  No, I suppose you don't. Well, he's too old for you any how stick with that kid.

Alice:  What kid?

Flo:  The one that Mel just told you to get rid of.  That little cudie that's been hanging around you for the last couple of days.  You suppose he got an older brother or a father I'll take the father.

Alice:  Take them all.  All even give you rip van runchie over there too.

Flo:  Well smell you princess grace.

(The Old Man gets up as he see's an older woman get up.)

Old Man: Misse would you like a candy bar.

(Joule walks in the diner carrying roses.)

Joule:  Hey gorgeous  (When passing Vera he sits down at the bar to talk to Alice.)  Hello again.

Alice:  Well that's very nice. Thank you I.......Listen I..um Please get this straight I don't want to go out with you;  you got it.

Joule:  Not quite,  Now what's wrong with me?  I made the honor role in high school,  and I was a boycott I helped old ladies across the street.

Alice:  Well you aint going to help this old lady across the street.

Joule:  Why Not?

Alice:  You really want to know?

Joule:  Yeah!

(Vera comes walking up behind Joule.)

Vera:  Look I made this napkin into a rose.

Joule:  Oh that's pretty that's beautiful.  You have the longest eye lashes you should be in the movies.  Hey could you leave the two of us alone for a few minutes please.  (The Man kisses Vera's hand.)  Now you where saying.

Alice:  Yes, Why I won't go out to dinner with you A) I am a widow I have a good 10 years on you I'm old enough to be your grand....baby sitter.  B)  I am a baby sitter for my own 12 year old son.  C)  My last date turned out to have a wife who looked to be about 19 months pregnant.  D) I am a singer and I'm saving my nighttime energy to get another singing job.  E).......

Joule:  You I didn't know you where a singer.  I'm an agent in Hollywood I handle performers.

Alice:  (Alice can't believe what she just heard she is shocked.)  Say that again.

Joule:  I said I didn't know that you where a singer.

Alice:  No No No No No the other part.

Joule:  Oh I'm an agent I handle performers?

Alice:  Yeah that's the part.

Joule:  I'm an agent I handle performers.

Alice:  You are?  Your not You do you don't.

Joule:  Yes

Alice:  Oh I'm sorry.

Joule:  What for?

Alice:  Are you really an agent?

Joule:  Yeah

Alice:  That could get a person a singing job?

Joule:  Sure

Alice:  Well huh like you said who could die from a little dinner.

Joule:  Nobody, so I'll pick you up here tonight.

Alice:  No but wait I have to work late tonight

Joule:  All right tomorrow night, what time do you get off?

Alice:  Oh 5:30 but.....

Joule:  All right I'll pick you up here tomorrow night 5:30.

(Man leaves Flo comes up behind Alice.)

Flo:  5:30 you got to be some where before the prices change?

Alice:  Flo his an agent.

Flo:  An agent.

Alice:  Yeah....

Flo:  huh that kid come one yesterday after lunch I had to burp him.

Alice:  I know Flo you see its babies like that, that are taking over the music business now.  See Flo you don' know anything about it.

Flo:  I don't know anything about music honey you are looking at  a five time VFW jitterbug champion.  So don't tell me about show business.

Alice:  Well I don't care its a chance and I'm gonna take it.  I um going to go for dinner with him and maybe if I can get him to hear me sing he'll may be able to handle me.

Flo:  I'll buy that last part.

Alice:  Flo.

Flo:  Yeah!

Alice:  Kiss my grits  (Alice walks to the back dancing.)

(Alice and Tommy are sitting on the couch while Alice puts curlers in her hair.)

Tommy:  Do you really think this adolescence agent will take us to Hollywood and you get to be Doris Day?

Alice:  Yeah Why where does it say that I don't get lucky?  Huh where is it written that Alice Hyatt doesn't get to be a singer huh you don't know everything you know you're only 12 years old.

Tommy:  All most 13.

Alice:  You may not make it.

Tommy:  Your right this could be it.

Alice:  You beat it could I know it could.  All I need is.......Are you talking down to me.  Huh I'm I being talked down to by a 12 year old.

Tommy:  I said it could happen you want me to slice open a vain and sign it in blood?

Alice:  Honey I know its been hard on ya.  Having to move and make new friends and all.  But what was so terrific about Jersey?   Huh Phoenix, Phoenix got hum.........Fresh Air,  Sunshine, Cactus, we're doing the right thing don't you think?

Tommy:  Sure we are.  And your right this guy could be your big break.

Alice:  You really think so?

Tommy:  Absolutely,  (Alice kisses Tommy) But like you say what do I know I'm only 12.

Mel:  Where the hell is Vera?

Alice:  I don't know Mel would you like me to stop what I am doing and search the Phoenix south west for her.

Mel:  All I asked ya was where the hell Vera was.

Flo:  Mel I've got a riddle for you,  How does Vera like that burger deluxe I've order?

Mel:  I give up.

Flo:  Neither of them is here.

(Alice helps a customer with the ketchup.)

Alice: Just a minute sometimes there broken.  Oh I know your right hum I've got to go in the back room we're all out just a minute I'll be right back.

Customer:  They been like that for a week.  Mel why don't you get some help in here...............

(Alice goes back in the back to get more ketchup then the old man gets up from his seat and follows Alice back in the back.)

Alice: Ayyyyyyyyyyeeeee.  I don't want a candy bar..

Flo:  I told you not to worry about him.

Alice:  Swish for a guy that's slow on his feet he's sure fast with his hands. You know.

Flo:  You know I really go for that mature stuff.

Alice:  But sure he couldn't even get the rapper off the candy bar.   (Alice and Flo laugh)

Flo:  Wait to you see Vera.

Alice:  What is she here.

Flo:  Yeah, and she thinks that she is going to Hollywood with you.

Alice:  I'm not going to Hollywood.  If I don't get him to hear me sing I'm not going to Hollywood.

Flo:  Well sing for him tonight.

Alice:  What am I supposed to do for a complement slap to flapjacks together.  Hee I need a piano one sweet little old upright is all I need.  Well, suprise.

Customer:  Yeah great.

Alice:  Well drink them you've been hollering for them all day.

Flo:  Here honey look after my tables I'll be back in a jiffy.

Alice:  I'll look after her tables but I won't lean over the sugar bowl. What are you looking at, eat your liver.

(Vera comes out of the bathroom looking great she see's Alice's date and goes over to him but hits him in the stomach by mistake.)

Joule:  Owe.

Alice:  Don't hurt him his an agent.

Mel:  Vera get in here.

Joule:  What was that?

Alice:  That was an audition.

Joule:  Oh yeah you look pretty.

Alice:  Thank you Hee

Joule:  Now I figure we have a quick dinner shot to your place put the kid to bed and let the good times role.

Alice:  Well the good times are going to have to wait till Flo gets back.

Joule:  She's going with us?

Alice:  (Alice laughs) No

Flo:  Come on right this way Cleo.  Here we go hello everybody free show tonight.

Mel:  What the hell is that?

Flo:  Its a piano.  Alice is going to sing.

Mel:  Not in here what kind of place do you think I'm running.

Flo:  I 'm too much of a lady to answer that.  Cleo get the led out honey. Come on here we go.

Mel:  How would you like to be an out of work cash slinger?

Flo:  I would you like to get along tomorrow with just Vera?  Come on honey, come down here.  Okay Cleo you and Cecil go sit back there your  the guest of honor.

Alice:  oh Flo

Flo:  Here you go honey how do you like it?

Alice:  Oh I love it how did ya get it?

Flo:  Well Cleo Burford runs the music store so I just bought him a few bears and unbuttoned the old top button and making a couple  promisees that I have no intention to keeping.  I've got to have the panio back by the time the store closes.

Alice:  hum What would you like to hear,  a ballet or an up-temple?

Joule:  Eyy either one as long as its fast.

Alice:  Hee,  What kind of singers do you handle?

Flo:  What do you care like you said its a chance take it. Sing

Vera:  I can play the clarinet.

Flo:  Huh Vera right over here honey.  Okay now you jerks everybody be quite.  Now this is going to be some high class entertainment Miss Alice Hyatt........ Break your leg honey.

(Alice sings "It Had To Be You")

Alice:  Well what do you think?

Joule:  It was great it was very great can we get started.

Flo:  Well what kind of place do you see her in a big one or a little one?

Joule:  I'm really hungry.

Flo:  You know I see her in one of those small bars with a piano and a microphone and with a brandy zikkers to put her tips in.

Alice:  I don't even care what kind of place it is just as long as its a place.

Joule:  Huh listen I feel kinda funny talking business here can we go?

Alice:  Oh sure. Oh Flo thanks Flo.

Mel:  Alice you really sing good I wish that you could wait on tables this good.

Alice:  Oh Mel oh thank you.

(Vera is at the door and Joule walks right in to Vera tray and hurts himself.)

Joule:  Listen, I'm sorry I don't handle clarinet's but thanks.

Alice:  What's the matter where.....oh

Joule:  Owe.

Flo:  Well look at it this way Vera you didn't lose an agent you gained...Honey you lost an agent.

Alice:  That's the record that made me want to be a singer.

Joule:  Who is that any way?

Alice:  Joe Staford

Joule:  He's got an off-ley high voice.

Alice:  You never did tell me what kind of singers do you handle?

Joule:  Huh now that's not important.  What is important is your style.  Why don't you tell me what kind of singers influenced you and that will give me a better idea of your...

Alice:  Style

Joule:  Style and all.

Alice:  Well, sure there was Peggy Lee,  June Cristey,  Billy Holiday,  Elise Geroled.

Tommy:  Toney Orlando and Don.

Joule:  Oh yeah Toney Orlando and Don they are fabulous.  Do you know knock three times?

Tommy:  I do I've got the album.

Alice:  Um Patty Page....

Joule:  Um do you know  Leo Russell's Everybody gots something to hide except me and my monkey.

Tommy:  Yeah I've got the album

Joule:  You've got the album?

Alice:  Jerry Southern

(Tommy and Joule gets up and walks over to the record player why Alice keeps on talking.)

Alice:  Rose Merry Cluenny.  Magret Truman.

Joule:  Hey Tommy can you be bought?

Tommy:  Yeah everyman has his price.

Joule: What if I offered you a buck to go to the movie?

Tommy:  I'll ask for three.

Joule:  I'll give you two.

Tommy:  I'll take it.  He sure sounds like an agent.

Alice:  You don't sit through that movie twice and you come home afterwards you hear me?

Tommy:  I'm not going bar hopping on two bucks.

Alice:  And you don't sit next to anyone with a raincoat.

Joule:  Now this

Alice:  Now this?

Joule:  Yeah its fun time.

Alice:  Fun time?

Joule:  Boy you sound like a parrot.

Alice:  A Parrot?  Listen um.......I really want to talk to you about a singing job.

Joule:  Well all right I was going to keep it as a suprise but.  I think I can get you into the Coconut Grove.

Alice:  Ooh hee Hee Hee.

Joule:  Yeah I've got contacts there.

Alice:  The Coconut Grove has been closed for 2 years.

Joule:  Oh yeah I meant the other place......

Alice:  Hold it.......

Joule:  I all ways get it mixed up.

Alice:  Hold it.........

Joule:  its got a tree name.

Alice:  Hold it......

Joule:  The Oak Green.

Alice:  Ummmm.  Okay your not a Hollywood agent.....What do you really do for a living?

Joule:  I'm a hosiery sales man for Portland.

Alice:  Huh I love it.  Owe I auditioned in a dinner.  For a 20 year old hosiery sales man.  From Portland.

Joule:  I'm 25.

Alice:  Oh.....

Joule:  I have free samples in the car.

Alice:  What a break.  So far this week I've been offered candy bars and nylons.  What is this World War two,  Your probably don't remember that either.

(Flo comes charging in.)

Flo:  Hey everybody hold it right there.  I'm sorry honey but me and Cleo was having drinks with the night clerk at Dawson Motel and umm.

Alice:  All right Flo I know he's not a Hollywood agent.

(Tommy comes rushing in)

Tommy:  The movies $2.50 I need more money.

Alice:  You don't have to go to the movie.

Tommy:  50 cent is all I need:

Alice:  Give him the money back.

Flo:  What is he doing here.

Joule:  There's  no harm done Tom I will give you the 50.

Alice:  Don't take that money

Flo: Are you still here go sell some piney hose.

Tommy:  What happened when I left things where moving right along?

Flo:  Well Tommy it seems like our friend Joule here has been hiding a few things.  Go on and scat.

Tommy:  Well everybody gots something to hide except

Alice & Tommy:  Me and my monkey.

Tommy:  Now I'll never get to meet  Tinan O'Neal

Flo:  Well Honey I'm sorry about all this.

Alice:  Do you want a bear?

Flo:  No I still got a buzz on from drinking with Cleo.  Now listen honey you don't have to give up.  There are plenty of places you can sing right around here.

Alice:  Oh sure the laundry mate.....The Bakery.. The Bus Depo.....I will never never even talk to a guy who is not at least 47.............46.

Flo:  Well now I don't know that little Joule wasn't to hard to look at. Just imagined if he had been an agent.  Cute little thing like that showing up in front of your house.  Taking you to a Hollywood premier.

Alice:  Yeah on his tricycle.

(At Mel's)     Vera:  Owe umm

Flo:  Wait a minute Vera..I got this...Okay Vera it all right its all right.

Alice:  You okay?

Tommy:  What's today special Mel?

Mel:  Cream Turkey and bruceal sprouts.

Tommy:  Let me have another apple pie.

Mel:  Brucile sprouts made me a man.

Tommy:  You got enough back there to make anther one for Mom?

Alice:  I guess we both missed out on Hollywood huh?

Vera:  Yeah..

Alice:  And A boy friend.

Flo:  Hey Vera maybe I can get you a date with Cleo Buford.

Vera:  Cleo....He hasn't got any piazza.

Alice:  She's right.

Flo:  Honey under that dull exedra beats a brand new Chrysler with red leather apulstery and that piazza.

Alice:  She's right.

Old Man:  Hey there sugar plumb.

Alice:  Hello there.

Old Man:  Boy you sure look good today.....  I'll give you a candy bar if you come in the back room with me for 5 minutes.

Alice:  With or without almond?

END OF EPISODE