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TRANSCRIPT:
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Opening Credits

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Eric is there, waiting for Jack in the main room, fixing his hair in the mirror]

Eric: Jackie! Come on, move your behind, we have a club full of pretty ladies waiting for us.

Jack: (Enters) Go without me, I’m not real good in clubs.

Eric: Jack, one word: You’re with me.

Jack: I know, I’m always with you. New guy in town, don’t know a lot of people so I get to tag along.

Eric: Oh, come on, Jack, this is a no frowning zone. You don’t just tag along. Now get behind me. (Turns around and takes a step towards the door)

Jack: I’m just uncomfortable picking up girls.

Eric: Watch and learn. (Gets very close to Jack’s face with a weird smile)

Jack: What are you doing?

Eric: I’m loving you with my eyes.

Jack: Please don’t.

Eric: The ladies love it. Come on. (Starts towards door)

[Cut to hallway as Jack and Eric exit apartment. Millie is there]

Jack: So if the ladies love it how come you don’t have a girlfriend?

Eric: I don’t know.

Millie: Hi.

Eric: Hi. (Gets close to Millie, like with Jack before) I’m Eric Allison Matthews.

Millie: You know, you’re the reason we have campus escorts.

Eric: Yes, I am.

Millie: (Slides away from Eric) (To Jack) You must be Jack Hunter.

Jack: How’d you know that?

Millie: I like to know who my neighbors are. I’m Millie from 3B. (Points to her apartment)

Eric: (Elevator opens behind him) Well, Millie from 3B, We’re heading down to O’Doulies, why don’t you, uh, join us? (Steps back into elevator)

Millie: Oh, I’m not much of a club person.

Jack: Ugh, neither am I.

Millie: (To Jack) You’re cute, why don’t you show me your apartment?

Jack: Sure!

Eric: (As elevator closes) Are you kidding me?!

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Eric enters an empty apartment]

Eric: Hello? Hello?! Anybody home?! Nobody’s home? Goodbye pants! (Takes off pants, he’s wearing smiley face boxers) (Sees an envelope and opens it. As he opens it, he draws the curtains. Millie and Jack are making out on the balcony. When he sees them, he waves hi. Jack & Millie stop kissing)

Jack: Eric! (Comes in from balcony) Eric, buddy, what’re you doing home?

Eric: They turned O’Doulies into a Starbucks. I was into my third dance before I noticed.

Jack: Look, I’m sorry you have a bad night but, uh, I got Millie out there. (Gestures towards balcony)

Eric: Ooh, my manners, I’ll go say hello. (Walks outside to balcony, still in boxers) Hi, Millie. Y’know, I’m really glad you and Jack hooked up. He doesn’t have a lot of friends here.

Millie: It’s very important for me to have Jack. Don’t get in my way. (Eric looks scared)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack and Eric are stretching on the floor]

Eric: Y’know, Jack, I’m really glad that you met somebody, but don’t you find her a little… freaky?

Jack: Why? Cause she chose me instead of you?

Eric: I didn’t even think of that. (Doorbell rings) Come in, we can’t move! (Millie enters carrying a tray with food and a flower on it. Jack stops stretching and gets up)

Jack: Hey, Millie.

Millie: I was up all night thinking about you. (Referring to Eric) What’s he doing here?

Eric: (Sarcastic) Uh, gee, I don’t know, Mil, I live here. (Gets up)

Millie: (To Jack) I brought breakfast for you, Jack.

Jack: Oh…

Millie: Smells good. (To Eric) Doesn’t it? (Eric makes a face) (To Jack) Why don’t we go have it out on the balcony.

Eric: Oh, Millie, too bad, so sad, you’re gonna be eatin’ all by yourself! Jack and I are running up the rocky steps today.

Millie: But Jack, I planned the rest of your life. (laughs) I mean day. I thought we’d take a nice long walk, then come back and sit outside (Rubs Jack’s shoulder) and wait for dark. (Kisses him)

Eric: Stop, stop, stop that! Now we’ve been stretching for this jog since September, we’re finally limber!

Millie: (To Jack) Why is he attacking me?

Jack: Eric, you’re upsetting Millie, okay? (Millie sets the tray on the table) (To Millie) I would love to spend the day with you.

Eric: (Mimicking Cartman voice) Millie, I would love to spend the day with you. (Makes farting noise) (Shawn enters from bedroom)

Shawn: Oh, good, you’re still here. I got up early to give you a send off for the big jog. Hey, who wants rocky hats? (Holds out knit caps) Huh?

Eric: Thank you, Shawn, that’s sweet of you. (Puts his on) But see he’s not going. He chose her over me. (To Jack) Don’t you see what she’s doing to you, Jack? Hugging ya, holding ya, kissing ya? It’s just wrong! (Exits)

Jack: Millie, uh, this is Shawn.

Shawn: (Holds out hand) I’m Jack’s brother.

Millie: Oh, another Hunter. So nice to meet you. Great apartment. I love your balcony.

Shawn: We have a balcony? (Looks to Jack) (Doorbell rings)

Millie: That’s for me. My roommate want to see your balcony. (Opens door, letting in her three roommates, all clad in black)

Shawn: Hey, I want to see it, too. (Follows Millie’s roommates to the balcony)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. It is late. Eric is eating popcorn at the counter. There is a scary movie on TV]

TV: (Eric takes popcorn bowl and sits on couch) (Scary woman’s voice) And now, we return to the frightening conclusion of: Halloween Part Nine. (Cackles evilly)

Eric: (Scream on TV) AHHH!! (Scream on TV) AHHH!!

Millie: (Enters) Hi.

Eric: AHHH!! How did you get in here? (Turns off TV)

Millie: (Holds up keys) Jack made me a set. (Jingles them in his face) Bug ya?

Jack: (Enters from bedroom) Hey, Mil.

Millie: Hi.

Eric: (Sighs) Jack, we have to talk. (Gets up)

Millie: Fine, talk to him. He belongs to me, now. (Kisses Jack, exits to balcony)

Jack: Boy, she really loves it out there.

Eric: You made her keys?

Jack: She’s my girlfriend.

Eric: Oh yeah? What’s her last name, Jack?

Jack: (Defensively, points finger) I don’t have to answer that. What do you have against her?

Eric: I don’t know, man. It’s hard to find the words. (Searching for words) Mean… Creepy… Evil… Cold-hearted… Actually, once you get started it’s just kinda–

Jack: (Interrupting) What is your problem? I meet someone, I’m happy!

Eric: (Points) You are not happy! You’re just a sweet, dumb farm kid to picked up with the first pretty girl that flashes him a smile.

Jack: I’m from New York City!

Eric: That town ain’t so tough! Look, sweetie, I’m just trying to look out for you, alright? I’m trying to make sure you’re not gonna get hurt. I’m just to… be your friend!

Jack: If your idea of being my friend is to stop me from having a girlfriend, maybe you should stick to being my roommate.

Eric: Fine.

Jack: Fine!

Eric: Fine! (Plops on couch, turns on TV. Jack exits to balcony) (Scream on TV) AHHH!!

[SCENE – Matthew’s kitchen. Topanga and Cory enter from upstairs]

Topanga: Cory… you, me, and a weekend in Pittsburgh. Can you think of anything more romantic?

Cory: Yeah, a weekend in Pittsburgh without your parents.

Topanga: Cory, we’ll have plenty of time alone during our, long, intimate drive up. (Kisses him)

Cory: Oh, there’s not gonna be any driving. (Slaps plane tickets on counter)

Topanga: (Picks up tickets) What are these?

Cory: Two plane tickets to steel town. We are gonna be kissing 20,000 feet above the ground.

Topanga: Oh, there’s no way I can fly. (Drops tickets on counter)

Cory: Why not?

Topanga: Because I’m morally opposed to it.

Cory: What? Flying?

Topanga: Oh, I thought you said hunter whales.

Cory: Wait a minute, you’re afraid to fly.

Topanga: (Panicky) No, I’m not. I don’t think I am. I don’t know. Cory, I’ve never been on a plane before.

Cory: No! Come on, everyone’s been on a plane! Horses go on planes.

Topanga: Well, I don’t. And I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make fun of me.

Cory: Okay, I’m sorry. Why don’t we discuss this fear of flying over a nice dinner? Or are you afraid of restaurants, too?

Topanga: If you want to be insensitive, then you can eat alone. (Grabs coat off wall)

Cory: Y’know, you used to think I was funny. (Topanga looks at him as if to say “Yeah, right.” They exit together)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s balcony. Millie is there, alone, wearing a black dress and waving handkerchiefs about, chanting in front of many lit candles]

Millie: Tosh, Karando. Haloosh bu-lah! Mandona ooh-ba, koosh koo rah! Lord of darkness, ruler of the anguished on all hallow’s eve. Your work will be done, but there is one to stands in the way.

Eric: (Taps Millie on the shoulder from out of shot) Hey, Millie-man? (Laughs) Am I the one who’s standing in the way?

Millie: How much did you hear?

Eric: I heard you talking to Satan!

Jack: (Calls from off screen) Hey, guys! Got the pizza! (Enters balcony)

Eric: (Millie slaps him) Ow! Jack, did you just see that? (Points at Millie)

Millie: He tried to kiss me!

Jack: (To Eric) You creep! (Shoves Eric aside to embrace Millie)

Eric: She was talking to Satan!

Millie: What?

Eric: Jack. I think she’s a witch. And not a good witch like Glenda but a bad witch like with the monkeys. (Points)

Millie: (To Jack) Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?

Jack: (To Eric) I don’t believe you, man. For the first time I’m doing something without you, you can’t handle it and you try to take my girlfriend.

Eric: She doesn’t belong to you, Jack. She belongs to el Diablo…

Jack: You just can’t stand it cause the new guy in town doesn’t need your help.

Eric: Alright, alright, that’s it, I’m not gonna talk about this anymore, alright, you gotta make a choice, man! It’s either her or me! (Flashes a friendly smile)

Jack: You’re just my roommate, Eric. (Turns to Millie) Millie is much, much more than that.

Eric: We’re waiting.

Millie: (After Pause) He chose me.

Eric: (In disbelief) When? (Jacks glares at him evilly) Alright, alright, wait a second, I’m not moving out.

Millie: Well, it’s up to you. Cause I’m moving in. (Thunder crackles, Eric makes a face)

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack, Shawn, and Millie’s friends are helping Millie move in. Eric looks on, sitting on the counter, unhappily. Jack places a box next to Eric on the counter]

Eric: I can’t believe you’re letting her move in here.

Jack: She’s only staying for a few days, okay? She’s having trouble with her roommates.

Eric: Oh, what’s the problem, they don’t like evil? She’s a witch, Jack.

Jack: Stop calling her names! (Millie places a cauldron on the counter, then walks away)

Eric: I see a cauldron.

Jack: It’s Halloween, it sets the mood.

[Cut to Shawn, who is hitting on one of Millie’s friends]

Shawn: So, Rosemary, how’s the baby? (Rosemary walks away, disgusted)

[Cut back to Jack & Eric)

Jack: Look, look, okay? We’re gonna be living together, let’s at least try to get along.

Eric: Yeah, where’s she gonna sleep, her beloved balcony?

Jack: Actually, yes.

Eric: (Suppressing laughter) (sarcastic) You got yourself a good one, there, Jack. (Gets up)

Jack: Get off my back, Matthews.

Eric: Y’know something, fine, I’m off your back. I thought you and I were friends, I guess I was wrong. Just another name on your lease. (Exits)

Jack: (Walks over to Shawn) Do you believe him? Calling Millie a witch?

Shawn: She’s not? I assumed she was.

Jack: What’re you saying?

Shawn: I’m saying she’s a witch. At least that’s what I heard. Anyway, I’m gonna go help the rest of the coven. (To one of Millie’s friends) Hey, Barbie! Let me get that box for ya. (Takes a box) Ooh, there’s something breathing in here!

[Cut to balcony. Millie has her arms open, her eyes closed, and her head to the sky as thunder crackles. Jack enters.]

Jack: Millie?

Millie: Hi.

Jack: Hi. (Millie kisses him) Look, I don’t know your last name, and I’m okay with that. But there’s something I gotta know. (Pause) Are you a witch?

Millie: I am. Does that bother you?

Jack: I’ve never dated a witch, before.

Millie: Well, this isn’t the sixteenth century, Jack. Witchcraft isn’t spooky, it’s just a belief. Actually, we do a lot of good. For instance, our Pittsburgh chapter works with inner-city kids.

Jack: I don’t know about that.

Millie: (Mean) Well then maybe you should check. (Sweet) Sweetie, you do what you have to do. But just know that no one will ever feel about you the way that I do. No one.

Jack: I love you.

Millie: I know you do. Tomorrow is October 31st: Halloween. We’re going to have a party. I’m going to introduce you to all your new friends. We’re going to have fun.

Jack: (In a trance) Fun…

[SCENE – Tiny airplane with six seats. Topanga and Cory enter.]

Topanga: Okay, please tell me this is the shuttle that takes us to the real plane.

Cory: Topanga, it’s a real plane. It’s a real airline.

Topanga: How much did you pay for the tickets?

Cory: Twelve dollars. It’s a good deal because they just got out of bankruptcy.

Topanga: Cory, this is my first flight, please don’t make jokes. (Sits)

Cory: Listen, (Sits adjacent to Topanga) I know you’re worried, okay, but rest assured a good plane is like a fine wine. It only gets better with age.

Dexter: (Enters plane and heads towards front)Welcome aboard. I’m captain Dexter Jorgensen. (Turns and faces the passengers) Because of the nature of these small airplanes, I’m gonna have to redistribute some of the weight for takeoff. (To Topanga) Ma’am, you’re perfect right where you are. (To Cory) Sir, could you take that seat right over there? (Cory moves back a seat)

[Cut to later. The plane is in mid flight.]

Topanga: (Trying to comfort herself) Okay, just go to my happy place. Bunnies. Cute little bunnies. Cute little bunnies in tiny crashing planes. Cory, please get over here now.

Cory: I have to wait for the ding.

Dexter: Oh, ding!

Cory: (Moves up a seat, next to Topanga) Well, we definitely learned one thing: You are not a good flyer.

Topanga: And you are going to make a very insensitive husband. For somebody else. (Puts on headphones)

Dexter: (To Cory) Hey! You’re Eric Matthews’ Brother.

Cory: (Suspicious) Yes…

Dexter: Yeah, I went to school with Eric. Say hi to him.

Cory: Uh, captain, when you say you “went to school” with Eric, you mean you were his teacher, right?

Dexter: (Laughs) Yeah. Teacher, that’s funny. No, Eric used to tutor me. Smart kid, your brother. Wish I had his brains. Wouldn’t be doing this. (Turns back to flying. Cory and Topanga look at each other with terrified looks)

[SCENE – Feeny’s yard. Morgan and her friends are trying to get candy from Feeny]

Morgan: (Dressed as a princess) C’mon, Mr. Feeny, will you please just give me the candy?

Feeny: (Holding candy up and away from Morgan) Say “trick or treat,” It’s the rules!

Morgan: Trick or treat…

Feeny: Say it with vigor like you mean it!

Morgan: (Over exaggerated) Trick or treat!

Feeny: That’s better. (Brings down candy) I’ll prove that was a worthy effort… A pocket thesaurus for each of you. (Drops a pocket thesaurus in each bag)

Morgan & Co.: Boo!

Feeny: And some candy. (Drops candy in)

Morgan & Co.: Yay!!

Feeny: There you go, okay, ski-doodle. (Shoos them away, they exit as Eric walks up)

Eric: Mr. Feeny, can I crash at your place tonight?

Feeny: Why?

Eric: I’m a fight with Jack about his girlfriend. Same old story, sure you heard it a thousand times. She’s a witch, she talks to the devil, and apparently I’m standing between her and the doorway to hell.

Feeny: You’re definitely not sleeping here.

Eric: I know, but… Of all the nights to fight, Halloween! This is the one holiday that’s supposed to bring loved ones together.

Feeny: Yes, well I’m sure that your friendship is strong enough that you’ll endure a little argument.

Eric: Friends aren’t supposed to lets girls come between them. Jack has made it perfectly clear that I’m just his roommate. I don’t know why I’m letting this bug me.

Feeny: Well, if he were just your roommate you wouldn’t be out here talking to me. Now, Eric, just think of some way to get him to hear you.

Eric: Boy, you didn’t even break a sweat on this one.

Feeny: I hate to see people fight on the only holiday that brings loved ones together. (Hands him a thesaurus and some candy)

Eric: Merry Halloween, Mr. Feeny. (Exits. Phone rings, Feeny picks it up)

[Cut to Cory on the plane. There is turbulence]

Cory: Feeny, hello? Hi! It’s me, Cory, happy Halloween. Listen, I need your help.

Feeny: I’m sure you do.

Cory: No, no, I need you to look up someone named Dexter Jorgensen in your school records.

Feeny: Mr. Matthews, those files are personal and confidential, why do you ask?

Cory: He’s my pilot.

Feeny: Uh-oh. Whatever you do, don’t get on that plane.

Cory: (More turbulence) Goodbye, Mr. Feeny, I love you very much.

Feeny: I’m sure you’ll be fine, Cory. (Hangs up)

[Cut back to Cory]

Cory: (Hangs up) I lost him. Topanga…? (She’s not there) Oh, no, Topanga, I’ve lost you, too!

Topanga: (In the captain’s chair, wearing the hat) No, Cory, I’m right here. (Cory runs over)

Cory: What’re you doing?

Topanga: Well, Dexter heard that this is my first time flying and that I was afraid, and unlike you, he cared. So he asked me to come up here and face my fears and now I’m flying the plane. Dexter?

Dexter: Yes, my co-pilot?

Topanga: Is it alright if I see what this bird can do?

Dexter: Go for it. (Topanga goes into a nosedive)

Cory: NNOOOOO!!!!

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. It is Halloween and Millie’s party. Everyone, including Jack and Millie, are dancing around spookily in black gowns, chanting “OOOOOOHHHH!!!” Jack is not chanting]

Millie: Come on, Jack, chant. Just open your soul and let the spirit take you to the place where darkness reigns.

Jack: Can’t we just bob for apples?

Shawn: (Enters in gown) Oh, I want to thank whoever provided the shrouds. Mine’s a little snug, anyone want to trade a medium for a large? I love Halloween!

Jack: How come everyone’s wearing the same costume?

Millie: (Demon voice) It’s not a costume!

Jack: My mistake.

Shawn: (People around go “Ooooh!!”) Oh, wait, let me try that one over again, cause I wasn’t ready. (They stop) three, two, one… (They all “Ooooh!!”) Oooohhh!!! Alright, now we’re whaling, par-tay! (Doorbell rings) Oh, hey, you in the shroud, get the door. (Laughs)

Millie: (Answers the door, there are three trick-or-treaters: a pirate, a mermaid, and a witch. She hands out candy) One for the little pirate, one for the little mermaid… Oh, and a little witch. (Demon voice) You don’t get any because you mock us. (Closes door, passes bowl to a minion) (Puts on hood) It’s time!

Shawn: (With others) Ooooohhh!! (Waves arms around)

Jack: Millie, I want to break up.

Millie: I’m not Millie. I’m Ushkar, queen of malevolence, daughter of evil.

Jack: (Scared) Ushkar, I want to break up.

Millie: (All the minions grab and hold Shawn and Jack) It is time for the sacred light beam!

Jack: Shawn, we’re in trouble.

Shawn: Lighten up, Jack, have some fun. It’s a Halloween party!

[Cut to later. Jack & Shawn are tied to the banister]

Shawn: Okay, this party sucks.

Jack: Eric’s right. You lied to us and turned us against each other. Why?

Millie: We needed your apartment, you fool. In this exact spot, your balcony (pulls curtains aside, there is a large crystal thingy there), once in a thousand years Volaris will come into alignment and Satan’s tail will appear, sending a light beam through the crystal of death. Ensuring our immortality and obliterating you. (Meaning Jack & Shawn)

Shawn: (With the group, having fun) Ooooooohh!!!

Jack: Shawn?

Shawn: What? It’s starting to get fun again.

Millie: It is written that in this very spot on this very night, a Hunter will be sacrificed. Two Hunters are even sweeter.

Eric: (Wearing a shroud, takes off hood, revealing his identity) How about two Hunters and a Matthews?

Jack: Eric? You’ve come to save us!

Millie: He wouldn’t know how to save you.

Eric: Oh yeah? Went to the bookstore, last night. Picked this up. (Holds up a book)

Millie: The Bridges of Madison County?

Eric: (Realizes, drops book) Uh, and this! (Holds up another book) Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs. (Opens book) Yep, bet they mention a counter spell in here somewhere.

Millie: (Clock tower bell sounds) It’s too late. It’s time for the sacrificial beam!

Eric: (Skimming book) Yep, just hold on a second there, Ishtar…

Millie: Prepare to die the death of a thousand deaths.

Eric: Hah, here it is. (A beam shoots from the crystal, hitting Eric in the back) Ow! Hot! Hot!

Millie: That’s impossible. The light beam hit you and you’re alive.

Eric: Yep, sunscreen. SPF 45, plus a little zinc oxide on my bum. (Slaps book shut and tucks it under his arm) Maybe next time, Satan! Sorry, guys! Yeah, it’s a shame, shut up, come on, everybody out! Scram! Satan’s children, be gone with you all! Come on! (All but the residents of the apartment and Millie exit)

Millie: (To Jack) Too bad. You’re cute, you’re sweet, you’d’ve been the perfect sacrifice. (Walks away)

Jack: I appreciate that.

Eric: Hey, Millie! (Holds out hand) Keys. (She drops him in his hand) Y’know, (Gets close) It’s a shame you didn’t fall for me. Could’ve been good. (Millie exits, Eric goes to untie Jack)

Jack: Eric, I saw that light beam, was that real?

Eric: (Unties one hand) Jack, maybe it was maybe it wasn’t. There are some things just too big for our puny heads to comprehend. (Jack unties his other hand) Well, it’s still Halloween, I’m gonna go find another party, come on, Jack.

Jack: Eric, wait. Even after all the rotten things I said to you, you’re still gonna invite me to come along?

Eric: Of course, man, you’re my friend.

Jack: Well, I know that, now. I’m a pretty lucky guy, man. I’m buying.

Eric: You better. (Exits with Jack)

Shawn: (Still tied to the banister) Gotta love Halloween. Really brings people together.

[TAG – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s balcony. Eric is there with a girl]

Sabrina: I love this balcony.

Eric: (Nervous) You do?

Sabrina: Yeah, it’s got a great view of the river. (Points) And you can see that guy watchin’ TV in his underwear.

Eric: I’ve seen him. I was actually just wondering if seeing Volaris did anything for you.

Sabrina: Is that his name? Why are you so nervous?

Eric: I’m sorry, Sabrina. My buddy just came off kind of a spooky relationship. He was dating a, uh… I’ll just say it: he was dating a witch.

Sabrina: What’s so spooky about that? (Tugs on Eric’s arm, goes into apartment) So what’s next?

Eric: I don’t know, I figured maybe we’d go get a bite to eat? Alright, cool. (Calling to bedrooms) Hey, Shawn! Want us to pick you up something, man?

[Cut to Shawn’s bedroom. Shawn is a frog]

Shawn: No, thanks. I’m feeling a little bit bloated.

[Cut back to living room]

Eric: See ya, Shawn. (Exits with Sabrina)

[Cut back to Shawn’s room]

Shawn: (Still a frog) Ya gotta love Halloween.
 
END OF EPISODE

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