The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is provided by "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" courtesy of CDREAMERS. "CALIFORNIA DREAMS" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by PETER ENGEL PRODUCTIONS in association with NBC PRODUCTIONS. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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[In a classroom at PCH-the gang enters]

Sly: All right! Television class. Lights! Camera! Ba-boom!

Sam:  Hey, let’s do 90210. Tiffani, you be Kelly. Tony, you be Brandon…

Mark:    And I’ll be Dylan, (off weird looks) uh, um…I mean, I’ll be the cameraman.  

Lorena: Jake, you should be Dylan.

Jake: Get real. I’m not gonna playact in some idiotic, adolescent soap opera.

Tiffani:  But all the girls love Dylan.

Jake: I’m ready for my close-up.

Mr. Berle:   Cut, cut, cut! You will not defile my class with mind-numbing drivel. Television can educate and enlighten. That is why it has been dubbed the window to culture

Sly: Hey, are we going to study “Gilligan’s Island”?

Tony: Hey, don’t forget “Green Acres”

(Sly and Tony look at each other for a beat)

Sly/Tony: (singing) Green Acres is the place to be. Farm living…

Mr. Berle:   And why it’s also known as the idiot box and the boob tube. Now, you will all break into groups and then create and tape your own programs

Tiffani:   Can it be educational shows?

Mr. Berle: Yes!

Jake: Can it be shows about dealing with crime?

Mr. Berle:   Yes!

Sly: Can I get an A and never come back?

Mr. Berle: Yes! …No.

Tony: (to Sly) Good try, man.

Sly: It was worth a shot. (They pound fists)

[At Sharkey’s, Tony and Sly are pacing and crushed papers are strewn around them]

Tony: Hey! OK, how about a game show where the prize is a date with the head cheerleader?

Sly: Ooh! Lofty. (Raises hand for high-five but stops) Hold it. If we offer the head cheerleader as a prize, how do we convince her boyfriend not to knock the pom-poms out of us?

Tony: Oh man! What are we gonna do? We gotta come up with a show. (They sit at the counter)

Sly: Relax. If it’s as tough for a couple of geniuses like us, the gang must be pulling out their hair trying to come up with a show idea

(The gang enters)

Tiffani:   Hey guys! Mark and I came up with a great show idea

Sam:  Yeah, and we’ve got one that will revolutionize television

Mark: So how you guys doing?

Tony: Huh? Us? (Tony and Sly laugh) We’ve got so many great ideas; we had to come up with the WWN, the Wicks/Winkle Network

Sly: You mean Winkle and Wicks Network

Tony: Uh, well either way, it’ll be all us…

Sly: All the time

Jake: Can’t come up with anything, eh?

Sly/Tony: No, not a thing

[The gang sits at a table]

Sly: I mean, despite our great discipline, our keen concentration, and our_ (a girl walks by, Sly and Tony stand to watch) Goo-ga-moo! (Tony looks back at Sam)

Sam:  Go on. Get it out of your system

Tony: Thanks honey. (Looks back at the girl) Goo-ga-moo

Lorena: Sam, doesn’t it bother you that your boyfriend checks out other girls?

Sam:  Hey, you can heat up the water anywhere you want so long as it boils at home. (Puts her arm around Tony) Right, sweetie?

Tony: Oh yeah. Bubble, bubble, bubble

Sam: Besides, it’s like the law of nature. Sly and Tony can’t help themselves. They’re like…the Goo-ga-moo guys. (SFX: electric guitar strum signaling “Eureka”)

Sly/Tony: The Goo-ga-moo Guys! (They high-five each other)

[Soft music begins] Screen Caption: Ms. Smith’s Oceanside

Tiffani: (singing) It’s a bodacious day at the Oceanside/ Bodacious day for surfin’/ Don’t you wipeout/ Don’t you wipeout/ It’s a gnarly day for hangin’ ten/ Say “cowabunga”, and do it again/ Don’t stay inside/ Go rip some tide/ Won’t you please go surfing? (Music/song ends)

Hi all you special dudes and dudettes! Today, I wanna talk about surfing during a thunderstorm. Can you say “hospital”? (SFX: knock on door) Oh gosh, who could that be? (Goes to open the door)

Mark:    (in a surfer accent) Ah, ha, ha. Awesome delivery

Tiffani:   Hi, Mr. McGnarly. Do you have that special package for me?

Mark: For sure, babe!

Tiffani:   Well, where is it?

Mark:    (looks in his shirt pocket) Whoa! I dunno. (Turns and leaves)

Tiffani: Can you say “burnout”?

Screen caption: HALL MONITORS

(Music from “Cops” theme begins to play) Bad dudes, Bad dudes breakin’ all the rules/ Breakin’ all the rules, you go to summer school/ Bad dudes, Bad dudes breakin’ all the rules/ Breakin’ all the rules, you go to summer school

Screen Caption: Pacific Coast High Hallway

(Enter Lorena and Sam as Hall Monitors Costa and Woo)

Lorena: “Hall Monitors” is taped on location with real hall monitors

Sam:  This could be a very dangerous bust. The guy’s in flagrant violation of student handbook rule 147…no gum chewing in school.

Screen Caption: 11:33 A.M. SURVEILLANCE OPERATION

Lorena:  We found a lot of gum wrappers in the vicinity of this bench, so we know it’s his favorite chomping spot. Now we wait. (They hide behind the lockers)

(Jake enters chewing gum. He blows and pops a bubble, then laughs)

Sam:  Hall Monitors! You’re busted for chewing gums in the halls. (She and Lorena pin Jake to the ground)

Jake: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (Swallows) I’m not chewing any gum

Sam:  Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the principal. (She and Lorena drag Jake away)

[Theme begins to play again, and then fades]

[Sly and Tony have their backs to the audience and they are hugging themselves]

Sly/Tony: (turning around) Psyche!

Sly: Hey out there in TV land! This is my good buddy, Tony

Tony: And this is my homey, Sly. And we’re the…

Sly: Goo-

Tony: Ga-

Sly: Moo-

Sly/Tony: Guys!

Sly: We’re two hot, Sss_ow! Babe magnets with a lot to say. Tony: And some of it’s even worth listening to. (He and Sly jump over the back of the couch and sit) Let’s kick it off by introducing our very special guest…Elle MacPherson

Sly/Tony: Ooh! (Sly pulls out a cardboard cutout of Elle MacPherson)

Sly: (in a high voice) I’m so happy to be here. You’re the hottest guys I’ve ever seen

Tony: Well, you’re not so bad yourself, Elle, Elle, my belle!

Sly: And to prove how hot she is, let’s bring out the Goo-ga-mometer

Tony: Ooh!

Sly: Go ahead, Elle. Give it a touch

Tony: (with the Goo-ga-mometer) “Hot…Hotter…I’m melting!”

Sly: She’s so hot; she has her own fire department

Tony: Uh-huh! She’s the most steamiest, peppercorn-popping inferno that ever brought Smokey the bear to his feet!

Sly/Tony: Swish!

Sly: That’s all the time we have

Tony: So until we meet again… (Sly beat-boxes as Tony raps) So if you want a hot babe, and don’t know what to do/ Don’t sweat, don’t fret/ Say_

Sly: Goo-

Tony: Ga-

Sly: Moo

Tony: Hey!

[The class applauds]

Mr. Berle: All right. The Goo-ga-moo Guys. What may I ask were you thinking?

Sly: Well, mostly we tried not to

Mr. Berle: And it showed. You get an F. Sly: What? You can’t fail us

Mr. Berle: Can and did. It’s done. Now I’d like you to meet Mr. Carvey. He owns a local TV station and has agreed to share his wisdom with us

[The class applauds]

 Mr. Carvey: Well, I think what you’ve done here is great

Mr. Berle:   Well, I do try

Mr. Carvey: Not you. The Goo-ga-moo Guys! You two have a great chemistry. How’d you like to do the show for my station?

(SFX: electric guitar strum-as Sly and Tony jump to their feet)  

Tony: You mean like for real TV?

Mr. Carvey: Mm-hmm.

Sly/Tony: Swish!

[At television studio] (SM=stage manager)

SM:   And we’re on in 3…2…

Announcer: And now from Pacific Coast, CA, it’s the Goo-ga-moo Guys! (Piano music begins to play)

Tony: (Singing) Goo…is for a hot babe’s blonde hairdo…

Sly: (Singing) Ga…is added if her eyes are blue…

Tony: (Singing) Moo…is for the cute babes in the malls, the streets, the arcade…

Sly/Tony: (Singing) Goo-ga-moo means we love you! (Music stops)

Sly: Hi out there in TV land. This is my good buddy, Tony

Tony: And this is my homey, Sly. And we’re the…

Sly: Goo-

Tony: Ga-

Sly: Moo- Sly/Tony: Guys!

Sly: We’re a brand new show and you’ve probably have no idea who we are

Tony: Yeah, but there’s a lot of reasons why you should check us out and here are the top three. (They walk over to the “Goo-ga-moo Guys Top 3” chart) The third most popular reason for watching the Goo-ga-moo Guys is…we have less hairballs than Stimpy

Sly: Reason number two is…we won’t sell you t-shirts!

Tony: ‘Cause we’ve got mugs!

Sly: And reason number one to watch the Goo-ga-moo Guys is…Can I have a drum roll? Thank you…we’ll beam you here and make you watch us do the Cossack dance

[A guy jumps over the couch pretending to be “beamed in”]

Guy:  Hey, I was watching “Blossom”!

[Sly and Tony begin to do the Cossack dance and sing in Russian]

[Later in the show…Sly and Tony are sitting on the couch with the Goo-ga-mometer, fanning themselves with magazines]

Tony: I think we learned a valuable lesson, don’t you Sylvester?

Sly: Yep. Never, ever, touch the Goo-ga-mometer with the swimsuit issue. (He and Tony throw the magazines over the back of the couch. SFX: splash)

Tony: Well, I’m sorry to say that’s all the time we have. But I hope you catch our next show ‘cause it’ll be even more brilliant

Sly: Oh yeah. It’s going to be so brilliant that it’ll make Albert Einstein look like Forrest Gump.

Tony: It’s going to be the most super stupendous show that ever beamed on the airwaves

Sly/Tony: Swish!

SM: And we’re clear. Good show, guys. (Shakes their hands)

Sly/Tony: Thank you. Mr. Carvey: I think you guys are gonna be a hit. So drop everything non-show related. We’ll talk schedule tomorrow. Now go out and have fun

Sam:  (goes and hugs Tony) May I be the first person to join the Goo-ga-moo Guys fan club? (Everyone begins to talk excitedly)

Tony: Oh get outta here!

Jake: Hey, I hate to drop a reality bomb here, but what about the Dreams?

Tony: Well, I guess we’ll have to take a leave of absence from the band

Sly: Yeah

Tiffani:   Oh Tony, it’s going to be so hard to replace you

Lorena:  It sure is

Sam:  (sadly) Oh no…

Sly: Well not to mention the impossible task of finding a manager as great as me

Lorena:  I’ll do it. (The gang agrees with cheers)

[At Sharkey’s]

Tiffani: As much as I miss them, I’m glad Sly and Tony’s show’s a hit

Jake: Me too. But I mean it’s just a cheap “Wayne World” rip-off. How big of a hit could it be? (Sly and Tony enter and all the other patrons yell “Goo-ga-moo!”) You think maybe they’d hire me?  

All:   Jake!

Mark:    So Lorena, get any gigs for us yet?

Lorena:  Well, there’s nothing out there. Except for this really high-class affair, but…it’s not right for the Dreams

Jake: (stuffing fries into his mouth) What? Are you trying to say we’re not classy? (Off weird looks) What?

Tiffani:   OK. So we just keep Jake from eating. (Belches)

Sam: And keep Tiffani from drinking soda. (Clips her fingernail, which hits Mark)

Mark:    Ow! Sam!

Lorena: I rest my case. (All protest) OK, OK. I’ll try to get the gig. But I’ll need to give you some (looks at Jake stuffing food into his mouth) etiquette lessons. (pulls a hanging fry from Jake’s mouth)

Jake: (looks around) What?

[At school, by the lockers]

Lorena:  OK. I booked you at the historical society dinner at Sharkey’s.  

All: All right!

Lorena: Look. These people are sophisticated. You have to be well-mannered and refined. For instance, if someone tells a bad joke, how do you react? (All gag) No. You don’t want to embarrass anyone. Just laugh haughtily. (Laughs haughtily and indicates for them to try) (All laugh haughtily) Great! Now we just change all your music and you’re set. (All protest) Just some small changes. You know, slow the beat, lower the volume, lose the lyrics

Sam: But we’ll be playing elevator music

Lorena:  By Jove! I think you’ve got it. (Turns and leaves)

(Enter Tony)

Tony: Hey guys, have you seen Sly? I want to work on a new bit I’ve got for the show called the Goo-ga-moo Gladiators.

(Enter Sly with a girl on each arm)

Sly: Yeah, so I’m adding a new bit to the show-the Goo-ga-moo Girl of the Week. You guys play your cards right, it could be you. (Releases them and slides over to Tony) Swish!

Tony: Don’t you swish me. What’s this new bit stuff, man? You can’t add something without my approval

Sly: Since when do I need your approval?

Tony: Since you’re too busy playing babe-hound to work on the show. Sly: Oh you’re just jealous ‘cause they like me more than you

Tony: (laughs) Oh get real, man. The only reason they even acknowledge your pathetic butt is because I’m hooked up with Sam

Sly: You’re just going to have to accept the fact that I’m a bigger hit than you

Tony: (laughs) If I weren’t on the show, you’d be on the street with a little sign that says: “Will Goo-ga-moo for food”

Sly: You’re nothing without me. (He and Tony begin to argue but Sam steps between them)

Sam: Stop it, guys! The show’s the hit, and your friendship is the show. Without that you’re a flop

Sly: Yeah, I guess I was acting a little crazy.

Tony: Hey, it’s cool. We were both getting kind of egotistical

Sly: I’m not egotistical. I just think I’m better than everyone else

[The bell rings and everyone enters television class]

Joe Reed:   Hey Goo-ga-moo Guys? Joe Reed, PCH Gazette. You’re our lead story. How about answering a few questions?

Sly/Tony: Sure/ All right. (They go to sit)

Joe Reed:   OK, first question: Who created the show?

Sly/Tony: I did…You did not!

Sly: I thought of it at Sharkey’s

Tony: Oh please. You couldn’t think your way out of a v-neck shirt, fool!

Sly: I’m sick of you. Why don’t you take your Goo-ga-moo Gladiators and get lost!

Tony: You get lost! You get lost with your Goo-ga-moo Girl of the Week

Sly: That’s it our friendship is terminated!

Tony: You got it!

Joe Reed:   Alright, second question… (Sly and Tony glare angrily at each other)

[At television studio]

Tony: We both had the night to cool down, alright? So let’s just be professionals and just do the show. But before we do, there’s just something you gotta know

Sly: What’s that?

Tony: (moves closer to Sly) I hate your guts

Sly: (moves closer to Tony) Oh yeah? Well I hate you more than donating all my money to charity

Tony: Oh yeah? Well I… (The announcer interrupts as they glare angrily at each other)

Announcer: Live from Pacific Coast, CA, it’s the Goo-ga-moo Guys! (Sly and Tony, pretending to be happy, go out onstage)

Tony: Well we’ve got an awesome show for you today, so let’s just kick it off with a very cool, new segment

Sly: Yeah, it’s cooler than Frosty the snowman’s butt. (They sit on the couch then move to the opposite ends)

Tony: It’s the most iced tea chillin’, anti-freeze freezin’ segment that ever gave a couch potato frostbite

Sly/Tony: Zing! / Chilly!

Sly: Chilly?! What is that? Something you stick on your hot dog?

Tony: Oh yeah? What’s zing? Short for zingle? Because no girl vill date you.

Sly: Oh yeah?

Tony: Yeah! (They begin to argue but Carvey signals for them to keep the show moving along)

Sly: Well, let’s start off with the Goo-ga-moo Girl of the Week. And to prove who the hottest girl is, I’ve got the Slymometer. (Pulls out the Slymometer from behind the couch and hits Tony on the head) Tony: (laughing) Oh no, no, no. Oh, the new segment is the Goo-ga-moo Gladiators. Check it out. (Takes up a jousting stick from behind the couch) The Wicks Whomper. (Hits Sly on the head with it)

Sly: Hey watch where you’re swinging that thing!

Tony: You hit me in the head with that thing. (They begin to argue)

Mr. Carvey: (to SD) Go to commercial. Go to commercial! (To Sly and Tony) Listen up, boys! This show is only good if your friendship is good. So you either choke down those egos or you bomb. Catch my drift?

Sly/Tony: (dejectedly) Yeah

SD: And we’re back in 3…2… (Sly and Tony smile big for a beat)

Sly: Ahh! (He and Tony begin to fight and the crew members rush to separate them)

[At school, by the lockers]

[Sly and Tony bump into each other and Sly gives him the right of way, but walks like a monkey and makes faces behind his back]

Tiffani: Come on, guys. Don’t act like this. So your show got cancelled. You guys have a special friendship, isn’t it worth saving?

Sly/Tony: (look up from their lockers at each other and shrug) Eh

Sam:  Tiffani’s right. So you guys had a fight. All friends get in fights sometimes, but you get over them

Sly/Tony: (look up from their lockers at each other and shrug) Eh

Jake: (taking them by their shoulders) Look, neither one of you is better than the other. You’re both jerks. But you keep each other in check. You make each other work to be better jerks. Ah, forget these jerks. If they want to bag their friendship, let ‘em. Come on; let’s go get ready for our gig. (They leave)

Sly/Tony: (look up from their lockers at each other and shrug) Eh

[At Sharkey’s] Sign: Historical Society Dinner/Dance Lorena: You guys look great. (All groan in protest at their elegant attire) Oh, here comes the president of the historical society. Don’t forget if she tells a lame joke, laugh haughtily

Mrs. Dumont:   Oh, I’m so delighted that you’re here. Who knows? Maybe you’ll have so much fun, you’ll join our society. (All laugh haughtily)

Lorena:  (hissing) That wasn’t a joke! (All: That could be a lot of fun/ Maybe we could) (Mrs. Dumont leaves)

Jake: Let’s just get this fiasco on the road.

(Enter Tony)

Tony: What’s the deal? You guys are still playing this gig? I mean, these people are so stuffy, they should take a bath in neosineferine

Tiffani:   Hey, it’s a gig

Tony: Yeah, I know but…

(Enter Sly)

Sly: Hey, what’s going on here? I stop managing you guys for five minutes and you get a gig for “The Night of the Living Dead”

Tony: Hey, it’s a gig and I think that’s good

Sly: Well, golly gee Whittakers! That makes me feel better

Lorena:  Hey! (Pulling their arms) If you two want to stay, that’s fine, but no fighting. (To Tony) You sit there (to Sly) and you sit there

Jake: (haughtily) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And now for your listening pleasure, my associates and I will furnish you with some (laughs) background orchestration

Mark:    (haughtily) A 1 and a 2 and a…

[They softly begin to play the theme song with Tiffani playing the harp and Jake playing the flute]

Sly: (to Tony) You really think this is a good thing?

Tony: Oh man, I think it’s terrible

Sly: It’s so terrible it makes watching Barney look like going to a Smashing Pumpkins concert

Tony: It’s the most unbearable, odious thing that these ears have ever been witness to. (Sly and Tony look at each other)

Sly/Tony: Swish!

Sly: Oh man. I’m sorry, I was a bonehead. I was totally out of control

Tony: Yeah you’re right. Apology accepted

Sly: Huh?

Tony: No, I’m sorry too. (They pound fists) We’re friends. We should accept each other for who we are. We don’t have to be fighting over who’s better than who

Sly: Yeah, when we both should know that we’re better than everyone else. (They smile and shake hands) Since we’re friends again, how about we save our show?

Tony: Nah, man. Forget the show. (Indicating toward the band) Let’s save our ears

Sly/Tony: Swish! (They run out of Sharkey’s)

THE END

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