Priscilla shakes her head: "that evil bitch." CLAIRE'S expression tells us she may not be buying this.TOM ... She was always saying how she wanted a yellow lab puppy. She even had a name picked out -- Barnaby. And I thought, you know, what a great three-months-of-dating gift. So I show up to her house. I knock...
(beat, this is difficult)
... and her ex-boyfriend answers in a towel.
Sympathetic female faces. Except for previously unknown group member DAPHNE. She's pissed.TOM It was just so... post-sex. You know?
(he pauses dramatically)
Barnaby's seventy pounds now, and I know my apartment isn't a great place for him. But what can I do? I love the guy.
(shrugs)
I guess I'm just afraid to get back out there... afraid of getting hurt.
Audible GASPS from the group. TREVOR'S eyes flicker.DAPHNE I'm sorry, but I can't take this anymore. That is the biggest, heaviest, densest load of crap I have ever heard.
Daphne looks like she's about to blow a gasket. Claire tries to interject, but a shy woman, VELMA, speaks up.CLAIRE Uh, Daphne, we've talked about "respectful listening..."
DAPHNE I listened respectfully when he told me he couldn't wait for me to meet his parents. We saw each other every night for a week. After I slept with him, I never heard from him again.
TOM I just didn't feel a connection. I kind of thought we were on the same page about that.
(as if this makes it all right)
("admitting" his mistake)
We probably should've talked --
Reactions from the group: this is getting interesting. Trevor's reaction is enigmatic. A new voice --VELMA He made me a treasure map leading to two tickets to "La Boheme." He said I was his destiny. The next morning, I woke up alone.
TOM If you hadn't snored --
(hates to bring this up, but...)
VELMA Snored!?
Tom's reaction says he can't believe this is happening to him.VERONICA He told me he was looking for commitment. Lucky I noticed in time that his video tapes were labeled "Gina, August 15" and "Sabrina, October 31..."
Tom starts to protest his innocence; Claire's heard enough.LAURENCE The man got himself a witch on Halloween.
(to Mike, incredulous)
VERONICA Oh yeah... And I didn't see any seventy pound dog.
Tom scans the room. Decides there's no option, but he's resentful, as if he genuinely doesn't think he should be asked to leave.CLAIRE Tom, it's pretty clear what's going on here. You have some real issues with women that I think we could work on in a private session. In the meantime, your presence here is a distraction. I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave.
Tom heads toward the door. Trevor puts his arm around him. Claire gives them a quizzical look. WE HEAR Claire's first couple of lines to the group as Trevor and Tom EXIT.TOM I'll call in and book that appointment right away, Dr. Allen.
(never in a million years)
(to the group)
It's been real.
INT. SESSIONS ROOM HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUSCLAIRE We've talked before about the dangers of dating members within the group. I really suggest a lengthy getting-to-know-you period if you decide to --
Tom clues in. Trevor is NOT commiserating. Trevor's pissed.TREVOR So she threw you out. That's cold, my friend...
TOM Yeah, that is one frigid --
TREVOR Yeah, what was she thinking -- you being such a swell guy and all.
(loaded with irony)
Tom does as he's told.TOM Weren't you the guy who rushed to the defense of nude twister last week?
TREVOR Hey, Don Juan. Pay attention.
Tom sneers and tries to walk away. Trevor grabs him by the arm and pulls him back.TREVOR (cont'd) My problem isn't with the sex. My problem is that you're not a very nice guy. And guys like you just make my mission harder.
Tom wants to laugh that off. In fact, he may even get the first notes of a chuckle out, but Trevor's dead serious expression cuts it off. Suddenly, Tom's not so sure Trevor is exaggerating.TREVOR (cont'd) Consider yourself lucky that an assault conviction would probably land me back in an asylum.
FADE OUT:
Sunset turns. His expression registers shock, then fear.CHAMP (O.S.) Brother, you are in some serious jelly this time.
CHAMP emerges from a cloud of black smoke, an apparition on the mean streets of Chicago, immune to the flying bullets.SUNSET Cohen?
The fog machine kicks into overdrive and rookie detective Cohen begins to fade into the urban landscape.CHAMP (COHEN) Prior to my untimely demise, your hands didn't shake.
SUNSET (cont'd) Cohen? But you're dead. Your wife got the folded flag, 'cuz I didn't cover your back.
(w/genuine Don Johnson angst)
CHAMP (COHEN) I'm wearing the chalk outline 'cuz some skell carved out my heart. No blemish on your conscience.
SUNSET On the line?
(hopefully)
Sunset, now determined, grits his teeth, counts to three to himself, then darts from behind the cover of the building, firing away like Butch or Sundance.CHAMP (COHEN) I'm tellin' it straight. Just get that junkie who ended me. Make 'em pay, Sunset. Make 'em pay!
PULL BACK TO REVEAL a working film set. A crew is busy filming the (CBS-esque) prime time cop show "Sunset and Vaughn." Executive producer ROGER PYTKA, wearing a battered "Sunset and Vaughn" baseball cap, directs.ROGER Cut!
Cast and crew give Champ sporadic applause and begin heading for the catering truck. REVEAL a bored Trevor watching the scene. Champ approaches. ** the actor who plays Vaughn, who happens to be black, goes up to him.ROGER (cont'd) That's Champ TerROSS' last shot in the movie. Let's break for lunch.
He leaves Champ and Trevor. ** (** from the aired version **)VAUGHN Well done, man. It's nice to have a brother on the set.
(not really heart felt)
CHAMP Thank you. Hey, maybe I'll see you on the next one, huh?
VAUGHN Yeah, right.
(typical star, no sincerity)
Trevor takes Champ by the shoulders, looks deep in his eyes and feigns sincerity.TREVOR Make 'em pay, Sunset. Make 'em pay!
(imitating/mocking Champ)
CHAMP You wanted to see how television is made.
TREVOR If I ask how paint dries, let me die curious. "Die" being, of course, hyperbole.
(gesturing to himself)
Immortal -- just a reminder.
CHAMP Hey, I've got the afternoon free. Let's test that immortality out. We've got some very tall buildings in Chicago. I could push you off...
(having fun with Trevor)
Trevor follows Champ into the offices.TREVOR Your lack of faith disheartens me.
CHAMP My roommate is the god of love exiled to earth until he matches a hundred couples. What's there not to believe?
TREVOR Look on the bright side, everyone has roommate problems -- playing the stereo too loud, using up all the hot water -- at least your roommate problems are interesting.
CHAMP But you also use up all the hot water.
TREVOR Hey, cleanliness is next to me-liness.
CHAMP Let me sign out, so we can get out of here.
(sighing)
The writers exchange nervous looks. Apparently they have nothing.ROGER What've you got for me? Whose gonna tell me what makes the perp crack.
Kristy, who has been listening intently, speaks under her breath as she hands Josh his copy.JOSH I was thinking, how 'bout we find out the perp's mother's gonna have to leave her old folks home --
KIM "Now for a very special 'Sunset and Vaughn...'"
JOSH All right, they're interrogating the guy and Sunset just loses it...
(demonstrating)
... starts punching the perp like a --
ROGER Seen it. People. Focus. What makes the perp crack?
The writers turn to Kristy expectantly, except Kim who's annoyed. They wait, but Kristy doesn't speak.KRISTY He could be diabetic.
JOSH Kristy, say that louder.
Writers begin to rise.ROGER What is it, Kristy?
KRISTY What if they don't know the perp's diabetic --
KIM Assistants say the darndest things...
(amused by Kristy's audacity)
KRISTY So they starve him out, and then when they realize --
KIM Some defacto torture at the hands of our two leads?
(no longer amused)
(facetiously)
Network'll love that.
ROGER Not bad, I'm not quite sure I buy it. Here's what I want: everybody go back and write the scene. At the end of the week, we shoot the best one.
Josh sighs. He's clearly not having a banner season.JOSH See? "Not bad."
(to Kristy, encouraging)
ROGER And Josh. Make it good this time.
Kim's none too happy to see Kristy getting attention.ROGER Good work, Kristy.
Kristy nods. She's been put in her place.KIM Oh, Kristy, could you take my dogs out for a walk? You know where I keep the plastic bags...
Kristy signs for the daisies. Kim peers slyly over the clipboard.KIM At least ten minutes of fetch this time...
She smiles like she's just told Kristy soda works on stains.KIM From your "cousin" again?
KRISTY No -- no, I ordered them. For my desk...
KIM You should really pick them up at the shop next time. Otherwise people might think it's a little... desperate.
(stage whisper)
Kim walks off. Kristy looks at the flowers sadly. PULL BACK to REVEAL Trevor. He's heard the whole conversation.KIM (cont'd) I don't mean to embarrass you, I just don't want the others to think you're pretending to have a boyfriend.
Kristy's too close to losing it to care who she's talking to.TREVOR I send myself flowers all the time. Makes me feel pretty.
Kristy laughs in spite of herself. Champ enters, ticked.KRISTY I just thought maybe they'd cheer me up.
TREVOR And I see it's worked like a charm.
Champ can't believe Trevor just said that.CHAMP Trevor, I told you to wait for me by the reception desk.
TREVOR Hey, listen. I run a singles group.
(ignoring Champ)
Champ hauls Trevor out of the room.TREVOR (cont'd) You oughta stop by, I think we could hook you up. What's your name?
KRISTY Kristy.
(bewildered)
But Champ's got Trevor out the door before he can finish.TREVOR I'll call with details. And I say you take those flowers and ram 'em up that woman's --
A few of the actors look up, only mildly offended.TREVOR What's this?
CHAMP Actors' purgatory. They're waiting to audition.
TREVOR For what? Sleazebags?
Trevor takes a copy of the sides and approaches a brutish looking actor nearby.TREVOR (cont'd) I could be a sleazebag.
CHAMP Could be?
Champ grabs him by the arm.TREVOR Wanna run lines?
Champ sighs and takes a seat.TREVOR (cont'd) That's right. Rough me up, it'll be more authentic --
CHAMP Trevor, acting is not a hobby. People train years to --
TREVOR Play a convincing sleazebag? Did I mention I could be a smidge late on the rent this month?
REVEAL ROGER, KIM & JOSHTREVOR (LOUSY PERP) C'mon, Enrique, I need some candy. And you're the Candy Man.
They are agog. Kim blinks, remembers that she's reading with him. She reads the part of Enrique with a complete lack of intonation -- an actor's worst nightmare.TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) Who can take a bent spoon? Hold it to the flame? Enrique can. Enrique can... that's who.
The flatness of Kim's reading throws Trevor for a moment, but he recovers in style.KIM Watchoo doin' here? Doncha know you is hot. The thin blue line is onto you, man. And you lead 'em here? To Enrique's?
Kim, Roger and Josh shoot each other looks. This is the guy.TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) So you want me out there? On the street? Why doncha save the cops the time and put a gun to my head your gutless self.
(getting in Enrique's face)
Boys in blue hassle you, my brother, invade your business affairs, I take care of your problem. You owe me. You owe me.
Champ simply can't believe what he's hearing. Trevor grabs Champ and pushes him toward the door.KIM What kind of training did you get in Europe?
TREVOR Classical.
ROGER It shows.
INT. SINGLES SESSION ROOM - NIGHTTREVOR You are looking at one breadwinning thespian.
CHAMP All hail the conquering sleazebag. For a crazy person, you got a hell of a lot of luck.
TREVOR Help me get this straight jacket off, I'll buy you a lottery ticket.
General ad-libbed commentary from everyone. Claire notices shrinking violet Kristy. Hoping to get her involved...MIKE Claire, were you serious about this week's column?
VERONICA Or was it an elaborate practical joke?
(dry, to Claire, aimed at Mike)
CLAIRE Veronica, please.
(to Mike)
Something you didn't like?
MIKE This "we're seeing the return of traditional courting methods." Honestly, Claire, I'm just getting the hang of the modern techniques.
CLAIRE Everything's cyclical, Mike. We've gone through a period in which singles go out in groups, dance in groups, vacation in groups. People no longer date. They "hook up."
LAURENCE And that's bad?
CLAIRE It's not bad or good. But, what worked for us in our teens and twenties, doesn't hold up as well, especially for women, when we're facing our thirties. We begin to want more structure.
TREVOR Claire, you wanted more structure in the womb.
CLAIRE Mark my words, we're going to see a change in the romantic landscape.
TREVOR Romantic landscape.
(can you hear yourself?)
CLAIRE Dancing cheek to cheek. Dressing up. Etiquette. Pre-arrangement.
PRISCILLA That'd be nice. Men don't ask you out anymore. They corner you.
VERONICA I don't know. One on one is so...
(searching for words)
... face-to-face. Know what I mean? And with a stranger? It's kinda creepy.
Ad-libbed greetings from the group.CLAIRE How 'bout we hear from someone new. Trevor?
TREVOR Oh, um. My name is Trevor Hale. Women frighten me --
(confused, willing to wing it)
CLAIRE You brought a guest, Trevor.
TREVOR That's right! Everyone, this is Kristy Holbrook. Kristy, tell 'em a little about yourself.
Claire notices that people are gaping at her a bit. Her Sunset & Vaughn mania is a bit out of character.KRISTY Uh, I'm a writer's assistant on "Sunset and Vaughn..."
(dreadfully shy)
CLAIRE I love that show!
(abnormally school-girlish)
(doing the show's tagline)
Two Hollywood cops! One a former Texas Ranger. One a South Central ganglord gone straight.
Claire handles this in stride, the complete pro.CLAIRE (cont'd) Wow. Kristy, that's impressive.
(back to the subject)
All right. So give us your two cents. Going out in groups or official dates?
KRISTY Can you skip me? Just this first week?
(quietly)
CLAIRE Sure. That's not a --
(realizing)
TREVOR No. We learn to swim here by diving in.
CLAIRE Kristy, you don't have to...
KRISTY I'm just not sure my opinion should really count. I mean, the reason I'm here, I guess, is because I never go out.
Trevor cocks his head, his attention focused on Kristy's frumpiness. Kristy looks like Adrian in the first Rocky.CLAIRE Meeting people these days is tough, Kristy. When you're ready to get out there, we can work on interpersonal skill generation, dating process sensitization, and risk-taking capacity augmentation --
Lots of murmuring from the group. Claire shoots a "prepare to die" look at Trevor, who appears pretty self-satisfied. (Go figure.) Our regulars know it's time to duck and cover.TREVOR I say we get you a make-over.
EXT. SESSIONS BUILDING - NIGHTMIKE Look out.
TOM There. That one's new. She'll be next.
(spotting Kristy)
MATT She should only count as a half.
TOM It was a bet, not a beauty pageant. Three girls in three weeks. And I've got one week left. Won't be a problem.
FADE OUT:
Trevor walks around the bar, puts on an apron, joins Champ.CLAIRE Trevor, from now on, can ya wait 'til the second meeting to torture new members?
TREVOR What's so wrong with wanting to get a girl a date?
CLAIRE Nothing. Telling her she's too unattractive to find one, on the other hand --
TREVOR That's not what I said, and relax -- she declined the make-over.
(weary of this conversation)
Claire looks at Champ. She's excited about something.CLAIRE She said she didn't think it would do her any good. It nearly broke my heart. Did you see the way it took the wind out of the group's sails?
TREVOR Now that you can't blame on me. That was all you.
CLAIRE Me, how?
TREVOR Telling 'em they have to set their dating "way back" machine fifty years.
CLAIRE Now that would be a field trip I wish I could take them on. They'd learn so much.
TREVOR Champ, the relationship expert...
(indicating Claire)
... says we're going back in time. Why don't we put a peephole on the front door and turn this place into a speakeasy. Whaddya say, Daddy-O?
CHAMP There's already a speakeasy in Chicago -- Morty's.
CLAIRE Morty's!
(eureka!)
TREVOR Morty's?
(what the hell?)
Off Champ and Claire's blank expressions.CLAIRE Morty's.
(don't ya get it, Champ?)
CHAMP Morty's.
(cluing in, nodding)
TREVOR If somebody doesn't --
CHAMP It's a swing club.
CLAIRE People dancing cheek to cheek. Strangers asking each other to dance. Dressing up. There's our dating wayback machine.
TREVOR Swing dancing? Figures you'd latch on to something that has rules to it. Don't you understand the real purpose dancing serves?
Before Trevor can fully demonstrate --TREVOR (cont'd) It shows what you're like in the sack! It shows how much booty shakage your partner can expect! Are you all about slow and steady?
(working a sexual slow groove)
One of those all-over-the-place types?
(Trevor does something that resembles a member of Devo getting it on)
Maybe you're more of a punisher.
Trevor does a wooden square dancing move, planting his feet as if there were cut-out shoe soles taped to the floor. This is not sexy.CLAIRE Don't you have some work to do?
TREVOR Why? You interested in checking out my...
(demonstrating)
... daily grind?
(referencing his own grinding)
Hell, sometimes it's more like three... four times a day.
CLAIRE What about those people who've taken the time to learn the steps?
TREVOR How sexy does this look to you?
(mumbling)
One... two... three... four. One...
Claire and Champ exchange a look. Yes, they're cocky.CHAMP Sounds to me like someone doesn't know how to dance.
TREVOR What's the point in using the word "someone" when we all know you're talking about me?
CLAIRE Wow. Something you can't do.
TREVOR Claire, believe me, anything that requires hip movement, I can do better than you.
CLAIRE Really? Well, then, you'll probably be excited to hear that Morty's has a swing contest every Saturday. Champ...?
(pleased w/Trevor's chutzpah)
CHAMP Oh, I'd love to.
(loving showing Trevor up)
TREVOR Et tu, Champé?
(to Champ)
(sotto to Champ, his acting peer)
That's Shakespeare.
(to both)
Look, I'd love to learn to swing dance just to wipe those smug looks off your faces. Unfortunately, I'm a little strapped. No money for lessons.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SINGLES SESSION ROOM - NIGHTEveryone begins to do just that. Trevor looks around. He desperately needs a good partner.CLAIRE And that's called a "Sugar Push."
CHAMP All right. Your turn. Everyone partner up.
Trevor's gesture isn't lost on Claire. It's moments like this that she catches herself loving the guy. It's moments like this when we all love the guy.TREVOR Kristy. Get over here. You and me, babe. Get ready to win a dance contest.
Group members continue to pair off self-consciously.CLAIRE We've got the room every night this week, folks, so try not to miss or your partner will be left out.
EXT. BRIDGE - DAYMIKE Claire?
(beat)
What are we doing?
CLAIRE We're practicing "one on one." We're relaxing and having fun. We're going back in time.
MIKE Okay.
(whatever you say)
Matt gives him a look that says, "no, it's because you're a twisted fuck, but I like that about you."TOM Starting a little early, aren't ya?
MATT Bloody Mary.
(as if this makes it all right)
TOM Ah. So... whadja find out?
MATT One of those single group knobs talked to her after the group. Her name's Kristy. She works on "Sunset and Vaughn." Somebody's assistant. She said she won the Atlantic Monthly fiction contest.
TOM Great... that's great.
MATT Not much time left.
TOM More than enough. In fact, just to make it interesting, I'll play it right down to the wire.
MATT Why?
TOM Because I'm an artist, my friend.
Claire points out a two-seated bicycle.CLAIRE I can't thank you enough for inviting me down here, Kristy. This is so cool.
Claire attempts to stutter out a response, but...CLAIRE (cont'd) Hey, that's from the episode where Sunset and Vaughn chased the perp who tried to get away on the police horse. Wow!
KRISTY I was a little surprised to find out you're a fan of the show.
CLAIRE Why's that?
KRISTY College-educated female professionals aren't our main demographic.
We get the distinct impression that's the reason a red-faced Claire watches the show.KRISTY (cont'd) Mostly it's the breasts and guns and violence that pull in the masses. That and the fact that we show Sunset's naked butt nearly every week.
REVEAL SUNSETCLAIRE Oh? Ha! Really?
(Off Kristy's nod)
Hadn't given it much thought. Some women...
(then attempting seriousness)
I think it's reductive to categorize the show that way.
KRISTY Ah, speaking of the devil... Wanna meet him?
Sunset takes Kristy's pad and scribbles something.KRISTY (cont'd) Uh, Robert...
(shyly)
No recognition from Sunset. Claire notes Kim's mousiness.KRISTY (cont'd) I work here.
(still quite the mouse)
Sunset takes Claire by the arm and pulls her away to share a private moment.KRISTY (cont'd) I'm Kim Braber's assistant. Anyway, Dr. Claire Allen, this is Robert Patton who plays --
CLAIRE Sunset!
(starstruck)
SUNSET What kind of doctor?
(all Texas accent gone)
KRISTY She's a psychologist.
CLAIRE It's a privilege, really. You're a terrific actor.
Kristy gives Claire a sympathetic look, points at her watch and departs. Claire tries to focus on Sunset's insecurities.SUNSET You really think so? Sometimes I think it's just the chin implant people like.
CLAIRE (the illusion begins to fade, but Claire attempts to help)
No. Really. You should feel really great about yourself.
SUNSET Are psychologists allowed to prescribe? The Xanax my regular shrink prescribed -- he said it should do me for a month, but he doesn't understand the pressures of carrying a hit show. Three days. Three days and it's gone.
Claire nods along wanting nothing more than to get out of there.SUNSET (cont'd) Four straight People's Choice best actor awards, but do the Emmy people even notice? Does my shrink care? How can a man who doesn't own a television understand what that sort of snub can do to an actor's psyche.
Kristy starts to object, but Kim has already walked off. Kristy reaches for the phone. Stops. Reaches again. Stops herself again. Reaches again. Dials six numbers. Hangs up. Begins to reach for the phone again.KIM More flowers!
(rubbing it in)
Kristy looks up. She's wearing that hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression. REVEAL Josh.JOSH (O.S.) You have to prime it, like a grill. Don't ever try to just pick up and dial...
He starts to leave, but turns midstep, indicates roses.JOSH (cont'd) Don't mind me. I've never understood the tao of office appliances. Listen, I wanted to ask you --
KRISTY I don't know who they're from!
(blurting)
JOSH I wanted to ask if you'd help me write that interrogation scene.
(as if he has no clue what she's talking about)
(a regular Wally Cleaver)
I thought your idea was swell.
KRISTY Are you... I mean, really?
JOSH Gosh, only if you'd want to.
KRISTY Yeah. Yeah, I do...
JOSH Great. Great. I'll come by later.
He smiles shyly as he goes. Kristy, confidence bolstered, picks up the phone and dials.JOSH (cont'd) If you really don't know who sent them -- they're from me.
Kristy looks at her reflection in the office window and winces. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kim, down the hall, making a point, very flirtatiously with Roger, who appears to be acquiescing, won over by her feminine charms.KRISTY Hello? This is Kristy Holbrook. Calling. About... the flowers.
(beat)
Uh, wow. Thanks.
(beat, whatever he's saying, she can't believe it)
... Yeah. Okay. How will I recognize you?
(beat, repeating his question)
How will you recognize me?
Trevor demonstrates. This whole thing amuses Champ.TREVOR ... And I was having trouble with it, you know, until I figured it out...
CHAMP What's that?
TREVOR My motivation. I just can't believe this is coming so easily to me. It's like I was born to do it.
CHAMP You're clearly a natural.
TREVOR Watch, I can do both drama masks...
The PHONE RINGS. Trevor picks up.TREVOR (cont'd) And I can cry on cue.
CHAMP A summons to amateurs everywhere to pack their bags and head to Hollywood...
TREVOR It was like waterworks the other day in my trailer... I'm getting into my intention. You know what that is, right?
CHAMP I think I remember.
TREVOR And suddenly out of nowhere, I'm imagining Persephone, trapped in the underworld, and I'm just bawling --
CHAMP That's the substitution I always use...
TREVOR Substitution, yeah, one of the actors on set was telling me about that. Seems like a lot of trouble to me though, since I can just do it on my own. Is that pretty rare you think?
CHAMP In average people? Yeah. Numbers are probably a little higher for outpatients.
TREVOR Hey maybe you could run lines with me...
INT. KRISTY'S DESK - DAY (INTERCUT AS NEEDED)TREVOR (cont'd) Ah, Kristy, the Rogers to my Astaire...
(gleefully)
Trevor THROWS OFF his apron with glee and stands at full attention, the eager scout ready for the job ahead.KRISTY Trevor, that make-over you were talking about... I want to do it.
Trevor's expression tells us that won't be a problem.TREVOR Kristy, my love. Just tell me what you want. Don't hold back.
KRISTY I want to be noticed.
(this is very difficult)
Veronica glances at her dance partner, Mike. His eyes are shut he's concentrating so hard. His lips move because he's counting to himself.CHAMP Women, be sure to keep resistance in your arms when you turn, you don't want to end up in the next county, or with a new partner...
Trevor eyes the door wondering where Kristy is.VERONICA Speak for yourself.
REVEAL KRISTYCLAIRE Let's try the underarm turn once -- only once, try not to get carried away.
TREVOR Wouldn't want that. You might actually graze an erogenous zone.
CLAIRE Get into starting positions.
(shooting a look at Trevor)
CHAMP On the count of three, folks... one... two... thr...
INT. SESSIONS ROOM HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUSCLAIRE Trevor, can I see you for a sec.
(forced calm)
He's looking through the glass door.CLAIRE You have done all the things I've warned you not to do.
TREVOR Not all of them. I've still haven't opened that tabasco lubricant.
CLAIRE Don't you see? Now she's getting a response to her looks and she'll think she's okay --
TREVOR Or be okay... a distinction you shrinks tend to overlook. Bad for business.
CLAIRE This make-over won't change anything. Maybe men will be attracted to her physically, but for Kristy this sudden attention could be a Pandora's Box.
TREVOR Ummmm... Pandora. Now you wanna see someone who could move her hips.
CLAIRE Let me put this in terms you can understand. You find people their true love, you get a match, a bead, a step closer to home.
TREVOR Not to mention a tremendous feeling of self worth.
CLAIRE This method is more likely to get Kristy hurt than get you a bead. Claire notices that Trevor doesn't seem to be paying attention to her.
Claire eyes what's caught Trevor's attention. REVEAL Kristy smiling, being fawned over by Mike and Laurence. Claire shakes her head.CLAIRE (cont'd) Trevor?
TREVOR Yeah, I can feel her pain from here.
Mike and Veronica dance up to Trevor and Kristy.TREVOR We're on fire. We're a pyrotechnic display. We are burning up the faux hardwood tiling and it's all because of you.
KRISTY Oh yeah. We're smoking...
(having fun, but her line is tinged w/irony)
Mike's request is well-rehearsed. It sounds like it came straight from the audio tape that accompanies Claire's finishing school for modern dating.MIKE Please, allow me to cut in.
ACROSS THE ROOMVERONICA Please, allow him to cut in.
TREVOR All right, but don't touch anything. I've got her running just right.
Off of Laurence's silent embarrassment. Claire approaches Trevor who watches Kristy dance with Mike.PRISCILLA You know, back in Atlanta, this sort of thing just wasn't done.
LAURENCE Well maybe it's time Atlanta entered the twentieth century. Maybe, for once, Dixie shouldn't look away. Maybe the taboos of our fathers shouldn't be --
(misinterpreting)
PRISCILLA I meant swing dancing.
(matter-of-factly)
A serious look crosses Claire's face.CLAIRE Your dancing's really coming along, Trevor.
TREVOR "Coming along?" I am the Mambo King.
CLAIRE This is swing. Where you're still sort of a minor viscount or... unlanded duke...
(softening)
You're doing very well for a beginner.
TREVOR Let's put an end to your delusions of grandeur once and for all...
(taking exception)
CLAIRE Gosh, I knew one of us could use a dose of reality.
(quite the smartass)
(rubbing her chin)
I suppose I thought --
TREVOR Morty's amateur dance contest. Next Saturday. If my partner and I take first prize --
CLAIRE You won't.
TREVOR You have to be my personal assistant for a day.
CHAMP I'd make him define "assistant."
TREVOR Light filing, some faxing, sensual massage. Bring a Water Pic. And if you and Champ win --
CLAIRE We will.
TREVOR A prize of your choosing.
CHAMP See if you can get a laryngectomy out of the deal.
(to Claire, just a suggestion)
If this were Ally McBeal, Claire would have to take a moment.CLAIRE You know? There is something I want.
TREVOR All right, but don't be offended if I ask you to wear a bag over your head. Nothing personal. File it under "fetish."
Mike returns Kristy to Trevor.CLAIRE When Champ and I win, you'll start keeping a dream log. I've been begging for months.
CHAMP A dream log?
TREVOR She wants me to write down my dreams. One more way to peek into my damaged psyche.
(to Claire)
Fine, but if you sell any of them to men's magazines, the cash comes my way.
CLAIRE Deal.
(to group)
All right, gang. That's it for tonight. Great job.
TREVOR Taggerty's, everybody.
Trevor and Claire share a look. They both believe this proves their point.TREVOR (cont'd) Coming? We can talk strategy. I've got this move worked out where I swing you by one arm -- all four limbs off the ground... high degree of difficulty. It's a favorite with the Romanian judges.
KRISTY I can't.
(Off Trevor's questioning look)
I have... a date.
Kristy waits for him to say more but he doesn't. Confused, she tries again.KRISTY Hi.
(shy)
TOM Hi.
(attracted)
Tom is now totally befuddled.KRISTY Do you want to sit down?
TOM Thanks. I'm waiting for someone.
KRISTY Me. You're waiting for me.
TOM No, I really am waiting for somebody. But that's a great line...
(good-natured)
KRISTY I'm Kristy Holbrook. You are Tom, aren't you?
Tom thinks he's screwed. Kristy bails him out.TOM Kristy, God... you look so different than... than...
A maitre d' approaches to lead them to their table. Tom follows Kristy, still awed by her new look.KRISTY Than the picture in the magazine. I... cut my hair.
Kristy nods, her quietly delighted expression telling us it would be more than all right. As she blushingly glances down at her napkin, WE SEE a smug expression flicker across Tom's face. He'll have no problem winning this bet. It really is just a matter of when he wants to pull the trigger.TOM I still can't believe I'm here, eating with you -- this woman I'm so in awe of.
KRISTY Really?
TOM You're this talented, professional writer... and beautiful to boot.
KRISTY I don't think I've ever heard that before.
(touched)
TOM Really? "To boot?" Midwestern thing, I guess. I just... You've got me all rattled.
(all charm)
KRISTY Are you often rattled?
TOM No, never. I don't know what it is... Listen, maybe sometime, if it wouldn't bore you, we could talk about your writing, if that'd be all right...
(calculatedly shy)
FADE OUT:
INT. SUNSET & VAUGHN WRITERS' ROOM - DAYJOSH Wow. You look great. Ready to get to work?
Josh glances at Kristy, now jotting notes, if he was asking her out -- and he was -- she didn't notice or didn't care.KRISTY So the perp's got this bag --
JOSH Can't take a bag into the room.
KRISTY Okay, he's stashed the knife on his body --
JOSH I don't wanna think about where --
KRISTY We think they haven't found it -- which they haven't -- but when they press him he slips and --
JOSH Right, right, I see where you're going with it, that's great.
KRISTY You're gonna have to work harder to convince me I'm good at this, Josh...
JOSH Glad to. How about over lunch?
KRISTY I think I'm gonna be busy.
JOSH That's cool. Short notice.
(playing it safe)
But Kristy's not at her desk. Kim notices the flowers at Kristy's desk. She rolls her eyes.KIM Kristy, have you picked up my...
Kristy gives Josh a worried look, scurries back to her desk.KIM (O.S.) Hello... Kristy? Do I still have an assistant...?
Kristy looks up. REVEAL Tom in all his gorgeousness. Kim's jaw drops. Then she looks at Kristy for the first time. This is almost too much for her to absorb.KIM "Tom." That's your dad, right? Didn't he send you candy for Valentine's, too? That is so thoughtful, when he knows, you know, that you're not seeing anyone --
(saccharine sweet)
TOM (O.S.) Hey, Kristy. Now an okay time for lunch?
INT. SUNSET & VAUGHN RECEPTION - DAY - CONTINUOUSKRISTY Hey, Tom.
(pointedly)
The receptionist nods. Trevor walks back down the hall but is faced with a number of doors. He hesitates, chooses one.TREVOR I need to talk to the writers. I have some ideas for punching up the script.
The nonplussed writers aren't sure how to react. Trevor steps inside.TREVOR Hey there. I'm your "lousy perp." Got a sec to talk about my motivation?
As they walk out, Tom glances nervously behind him.TOM Hey. Let's get out of here before somebody remembers something urgent you have to do.
(a little anxious)
Kim approaches.TREVOR I'm not married to the Scottish accent. We can work something out here...
It's a new world for Kim, who departs shaking her head.TREVOR (cont'd) Hey, have you seen Kristy around?
KIM Why do you ask?
TREVOR She's my dance partner. Gotta teach her our stealth move -- the "No-Handed Lizzie."
Tom experiences a moment of panic which he quickly covers. What Kristy interprets as the impassioned stuttering of the true admirer, we recognize as the desperate bluffing of a guy who didn't read her story.KRISTY So... what was it that you liked about my Atlantic Monthly story...?
(shyly)
Tom's a little shaken: is she onto him?TOM Well, like I said on the phone, your story was... it was just... it was... powerful. I think what impressed me most was the... unconscious nod to the metaphysical.
KRISTY Wow. I wasn't even conscious of it.
(slyly)
TOM But that's the power of the -- you're making a joke. You're trying to tell me I'm getting carried away.
KRISTY I doubt you ever get carried away, Tom.
TOM What do you mean?
KRISTY You seem very much in control.
Tom relaxes, realizing she doesn't know what he's up to.TOM No, I'm, I'm --
KRISTY You were that guy in high school, snap your fingers and the entire student body drops their pants -- in formation and on cue --
This hits Tom close to the bone and his expression shows it.TOM Their butts spelled "Beavers." It was college actually. Oregon State.
(with a reluctant grin)
KRISTY I've wondered what it would be like -- to be that guy. You. I always thought it would be fun for a day, and after awhile, it would just be this... job.
And as we try to decipher that double entendre --KRISTY (cont'd) Maybe I'm getting too personal...
TOM No, no, it's fine.
(recovering)
(re: catering table)
Dessert's on me. What can I get you?
KRISTY Surprise me.
TOM I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to.
(as much to himself as her)
EXT. BRIDGE - DAYKRISTY Trevor, what're you doing here?
TREVOR Shut the blinds. I've gotta show you something.
KRISTY Famous last words.
TREVOR A dance move. Here's how we're gonna win.
Tom doesn't respond. Matt reconsiders the question.MATT What are you reading?
Tom goes back to the article.MATT (cont'd) Why are you reading?
TOM Kristy's story. Pulled it off the internet.
MATT Gotta admire a man who'll go to any lengths to win a bet.
Tom, engrossed, doesn't look up. Within seconds he's chuckling.MATT Hey, hey, hey! Hottie. Ten o'clock. Babe-alicious-ness.
Trevor observes the dynamic. Hmmm.JOSH Hey, Kristy. I think I've got something for that scene, so... I'm just gonna run with it on my own.
KRISTY Okay, Josh. I hope yours gets picked.
(disappointed but accepting)
Yes, she means what we think she means. Tom pauses, looking carefully at her face. A long beat -- he's deciding what to do. Finally, he kisses her on the forehead.KRISTY Do you want to come up?
Kristy, the good camper, nods and smiles. Tom looks pleased as he takes off. We're left wondering whether he really has a thing for her or if this is part of his plan to nail her in the eleventh hour the following night.TOM I'm really tired. I think it might be best if I just head home.
KRISTY Okay, sure... that's fine.
(covering)
TOM You understand, don't you? It's just... by Friday I'm usually pretty much wasted for the week.
KRISTY Yeah, me too.
TOM But I can't wait to see you dance at Morty's tomorrow night.
(noticing Kristy's deflated expression)
KRISTY That's right.
TOM You still want me to come, don't you?
FADE OUT:
She finally gets a good look at him.CLAIRE Hello, welcome! You look --
(embracing him)
Claire's eyes narrow suspiciously.CLAIRE (cont'd) ... like you're standing me up.
CHAMP They need me back at "Sunset and Vaughn" for reshoots tonight.
Champ is a tad insulted by the direction this is going.CLAIRE Trevor.
(Newman!)
CHAMP Trevor? What about him?
CLAIRE Who called you from "Sunset and Vaughn?"
CHAMP Trevor took a message.
(not getting it)
CLAIRE And you called to confirm?
CHAMP The PA put me on hold for ten minutes. Then hung up on me.
CLAIRE Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Then isn't it highly possible that Trevor could have taken the message down wrong?
CHAMP Well I guess --
CLAIRE Perhaps he meant to say they might need you or they thought they'd need you, but he intentionally left out the qualifiers.
(becoming more convinced)
CHAMP He said they needed me --
(confident about this)
CLAIRE What am I saying? There probably wasn't any call at all. Trevor knew we were going to win the dance contest. He's a schemer. You know he's a schemer. He sat there saying to himself "how can I make sure Claire and Champ don't win. I know, I'll play on the actor's ego..."
(rambling, getting carried away)
Champ can't believe this normally rational person is losing it like this. He takes her by the shoulders.CLAIRE (cont'd) "I'll tell him a big television show needs him tonight. He'll never question that. Claire won't suspect, because she's so..."
Off Claire's defeated expression.CHAMP Claire. Did you skip your classes on paranoia? Listen, I came by to tell you because I knew it was important to you, but I really gotta go.
CLAIRE Just promise, if they don't need you, you'll race back to Morty's.
CHAMP I promise.
Tom pulls Kristy close.TOM You're not gonna make me get out there, are ya?
KRISTY I have a partner. You'll have to get one of your own.
(teasing)
(pretending to search club)
What're you into?
Off the happy couple...TOM I dig writers.
KRISTY So you're saying if Jackie Collins shows up, I'm screwed.
Claire takes the stool next to Trevor's.CLAIRE So they desperately needed Champ back on the set tonight?
Claire reluctantly gives up her inquiry as Trevor seems genuinely oblivious. Trevor glances out at the dance floor.TREVOR That's what they said.
(flagging bartender)
Hey, Rip Van Winkle, about my drink?
CLAIRE But they didn't know about this desperate need until today?
TREVOR TV people aren't planners, Claire. They are the "music makers." They are the "dreamers of dreams..."
(to Bartender)
You rim the glass with a fresh lemon wedge. Rim the glass!
CLAIRE What? So they don't schedule ahead?
TREVOR My man! Do you need me to come back there and show you?
(ignoring Claire, to Bartender)
VERONICA & A STRANGERTREVOR (cont'd) Lookie there.
Claire smiles. She does take comfort in that.TREVOR Even though you're not going to win the dance contest, all your energy hasn't gone to waste.
ACROSS THE ROOMCLAIRE Yeah.
REVEAL KRISTYMATT My man, look at this fine looking woman. So what happened with that bag lady from the singles group you were gonna nail?
She follows Trevor.CLAIRE Trevor! Don't do anything stupid!
(sotto)
Who am I kidding?
Kristy hauls off and SLAPS THE SHIT out of Tom. REALLY lets him have it.MATT You had a week to do it. That was the bet. One week.
She slaps him again. Tom just takes it. Kristy departs.TOM Kristy, wait --
It takes all of Trevor's willpower not to bust Tom's ass.CLAIRE He's not worth it, Trevor.
FAVORING MATTCLAIRE (cont'd) Let it go, Trevor. Let it go.
A beat as Tom decides what kind of person he's going to be. Sadly he goes into Big Cool Daddy mode.MATT Damn, man, you get slapped a lot. Hey! Your week ended last night! You had to nail that singles group girl by last night.
TOM That was her.
MATT Damn.
(finally realizing)
(about the bet)
So...?
They leave together, two parlor snakes in a pod. Just as the reach the door, WE SEE Tom give a last lingering look at Kristy.TOM Last night? You're sure! I thought I had tonight.
MATT Nope. Last night was Friday. You forgot?
TOM I was gonna pull the trigger tonight.
MATT Loser.
TOM (fully aware of what he's done)
It won't happen again.
Kristy smiles, gathers her bag and things. She looks at Trevor and Claire sitting next to one another, both sort of looking around. Kristy makes a suggestion.KRISTY I don't feel much like dancing, Trevor. I just wanna go home and scrape off the slime...
TREVOR I'll stop by tomorrow. Help you make a voodoo doll.
Trevor and Claire look at each other. Claire takes one lingering look at the entrance hoping for a Champ sighting. None is forthcoming. She sighs...KRISTY Neither of you has a partner.
INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - DAYCLAIRE Hey, Kristy. I like your outfit. It's really... elegant.
KRISTY Thanks. C'mon. I'll take you to Trevor.
(highly amused)
I can't believe you're going to be his assistant.
CLAIRE Oh, neither can I.
KRISTY But you didn't actually lose, right? Because you both won the dance contest --
CLAIRE He said "If my partner and I win," then I have to be his assistant. Well, his partner and he won. I, on the other hand, said if Champ and I win --
KRISTY And he remembered those details?
CLAIRE Trevor? Oh, yeah.
Sunset lunges toward the perp and yanks him across the table.TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) You think I'm gonna get sick, need some candy. Newsflash, I'm off the junk and I don't know nothing about no knife.
SUNSET The one in Cohen's back, you sonofabitch!
TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) If it's in Detective Cohen's back, then that'd be the best place to look, doncha think?
Trevor sneers. Vaughn pulls Sunset off him.SUNSET I hope you don't confess. Pretty boy like you? You're gonna be a real treat for the amorous-minded in cell block D.
(intently, sotto)
Sunset backs off to let Vaughn play "good cop."VAUGHN Let me reach out to him.
(to Sunset)
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAYVAUGHN (cont'd) Maybe you did kill him, maybe you didn't --
TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) How many times I gotta tell you --
VAUGHN Your words take on some additional weight with us in this matter if we was to find the knife. That a consideration you'd be amenable to mulling over?
TREVOR (LOUSY PERP) I ain't mulling nothing. You pigs come down to my neighborhood bulging out of your fat pig suits picking up any brother who's got a look on his face. Get me a lawyer!
SUNSET You don't wanna lawyer up on me, boy.
(on the verge of losing it)
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Cut!
All eyes are on Kristy, and we mean all eyes: Roger's, Sunset's, Vaughn's, Trevor's, Claire's, the entire crew's. Suddenly everyone's talking at once.KRISTY What the hell is this?
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Roger, puzzled, looks from Kristy to Josh. Kim is left gaping.KRISTY I wrote this.
Roger takes a hard look at Josh. Josh can't meet Roger's gaze which gives Roger the answer he needs.ROGER I thought this was your scene, Josh...
JOSH It is but --
KRISTY But I wrote it.
JOSH It was your idea but I made it work.
KRISTY How, by putting your name on it? What's the next line of the script, Josh?
JOSH It was -- Sunset, about him cracking, uh --
(scrambling)
KRISTY "Perps crack like eggs. And I like my eggs scrambled."
Josh goes, his tail between his legs. Kristy is left with Roger.ROGER Take the day off, Josh. When I cool down, I'll call and let you know if you should come back in.
Kim exhales forcefully, rolls her eyes, but Roger thinks about it. He's reluctant, but...ROGER (cont'd) I'm really embarrassed about this, but I really love the scene. Don't want to cut it. How can I make this up to you?
KRISTY Give me a script of my own.
Kim looks like she's going to blow a gasket.ROGER Do it on your own time. If it's good, we'll put you on staff. We may have a spot opening up.
Roger wanders off, but Kim catches up to him quickly. It's clear she wants to talk to Roger about this latest development.KRISTY Sounds fair.
(thrilled but in control)
Kristy nods.TREVOR You wrote this scene?
(as if he's totally impressed)
Trevor decides not to argue with this forceful woman.TREVOR (cont'd) The line "I ain't mulling nothin'..." I was thinking maybe...
KRISTY Say the line, Trevor.
(firm)
Roger calls for Kristy.TREVOR Yeah. Okay. Hey, new threads. Not bad, but I'd like to put in a good word for cleavage. Men everywhere love the sight of --
KRISTY That look didn't really do much for my luck with men, Trevor. I think I'm gonna play it cool for a while.
Kristy leaves Trevor alone with Claire.ROGER Kristy, could you come here for minute, I've got a couple questions about the scene.
KRISTY Gotta boogie. See you at group.
Trevor heads to the set. Claire is left to herself. Suddenly... from all the way across the studio.TREVOR There's no bead in playing it cool. There's no bead in getting to write a script...
CLAIRE Nope.
TREVOR She's more alone than she ever was.
CLAIRE She's not more alone, Trevor --
TREVOR Alone, more alone, it's a figure of speech. The point is... about the make-over... I guess I was wrong. There, I said it, happy?
ROGER Okay, I need first team in position!
TREVOR That's my cue. Grab me a latte. Some grapes. Remove the seeds. Meet me in my trailer. We'll run some lines.
From where she's standing next to Roger, Kristy shouts back.KIM Kristy, it's time to walk the dogs!
(shouting)
On Claire, SMILING.KRISTY (cont'd) Great! And could you run by Starbucks and pick me up a latte while you're out.
(pleasantly)
Claire's reverie is broken by --CLAIRE No, Trevor, you weren't wrong at all.
Claire rolls her eyes and moves towards Trevor's trailer.TREVOR (O.S.) Claire! Where's my script? I need my script!
FADE TO BLACK: