GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- PAPERBOY 2000 


 6.  11/04/90  "PAPERBOY 2000"  
 Writers: Adam Markowitz, Bill Freiberger / Director: Peter Baldwin

 Chris and the other paperboys are fired and replaced by the new totally
 automated Paperboy-2000.  When the machine runs amok, Chris has to come
 to the rescue.  

    Dr. Kramer ........ Earl Boen
    Mr. Martin ........ Graham Jarvis
    Ben Spangler ...... Hal Landon, Jr.
    Mrs. Wilson ....... Mink Stole  (aka Mrs Whitman)
    Mrs. Trogden ...... Marion Dugan
    Eddie ............. Wesley Jonathan
    Billy ............. Bo Sharon



KITCHEN 

CHRIS -- (clears throat) How do I look. 
GLADYS -- Fred would you like to take this one?
FRED -- Well it's ah, not an outfit I would have put together but, it looks
very smart on you, son.
GLADYS --  You're not going outside with that wet hair, are you dear?
CHRIS -- Mom, my hair isn't wet. I put vitalis in it. Look, it's in a cool
ducktail, just like Dad's.
FRED -- Chris, you're not becoming one of those Mafia-Wise Guys-Goodfellas
are ya.
CHRIS -- (laughs) Dad, come on. That kind of break takes the sort of
connections I just don't have. No, I'm all dressed up like this because my
boss wants to see me and I think it's because I'm getting a promotion. 
GLADYS -- A promotion, oh Chris that's wonderful. Do you think it'll be a
desk job? 
CHRIS --  Ma, please, no. I'm as much a part of the streets as the...gum on
the sidewalk as, as the cigarette butts in the cracks...as the worms
that..come out after a...summers rain to...make sweet love under the hot
afternoon sun. I'm sorry, I'm getting way too poetic. No I'll never give up
the streets. 
FRED --  Well, it's nice to see such dedication. It's asinine and it's
misguided, but it's...dedication. 
CHRIS -- Thanks Dad. They probably want to expand my territory to reward a
job well done. But ya know what? It's gonna cost 'em. Here are my list of
demands. (reads) Ah "apply cream to infected area twice daily"...oh I'm sorry
that's my ointment instructions. Don't ask, Dad.
FRED -- Don't worry, I won't.
GLADYS -- Maybe you should just accept what they offer you, dear.
CHRIS -- Ma, that's the kind of roll-over attitude that has us still driving
a Monte Carlo instead of a Hovercraft. 
FRED -- Chris, you can't drive a Hovercraft on a highway.
CHRIS -- Dad, I don't want to get into this argument with you again, okay?
The point is, I have the newspaper right where I want 'em. Here's my real
list of demands. I need a padded seat for my bike, a thermos and a
mistress...on twenty-four hour call, seven days a week Bye. 
GLADYS -- Good luck, dear. 
FRED -- Gladys, if he gets a mistress, I'm getting a paper route.
GLADYS -- Oh Fred.

OFFICE

MR. MARTIN -- Make yourself at home Peterson.
CHRIS -- Thanks, Ronny.(unbuckles belt)
MARTIN -- Peterson, how long have you been a paperboy?
CHRIS -- Ah well, let's see now, there's ah one, two, three. Ah eighteen
years in January. 
MARTIN -- Well, for many of those eighteen years you've been a valued
employee. 
CHRIS --  Oh thanks Ronny I, I think I know what you're trying to say. 
MARTIN -- And as you know, here at the paper we're always looking for ways to
improve performance. 
CHRIS -- Well yeah, me too. Like when I was taking steroids remember? It's
terrible what happens when you stop though, the muscle just turns right to
fat. 
MARTIN -- Now, now this chart represents the productivity we can expect from
the average twelve-year-old paperboy. Of course your results are somewhat
better since you've mastered the job over the last...two decades. Are you
with me so far?
CHRIS -- Ah, well actually, to be honest, I'm a little more comfortable with
pie graphs. But please continue. 
MARTIN -- Well as, as you can see we've had generally good performance with
just a few dips representing sick days and vacations but on the whole we've
been wuite pleased with the results.
CHRIS -- I think I know what's coming. 
MARTIN -- That's why we're sorry to lose you.
CHRIS -- I don't know what you're talking about. 
MARTIN -- Peterson, there's a new paperboy in town. Let me introduce Paperboy
2000--the high-tech answer to newspaper delivery. This machine does the work
of all our paperboys faster and in a much more economical fashion. In fact,
we estimate saving of up to four dollars a week. 
CHRIS -- Four dollars a week?
MARTIN -- I know it doesn't sound like much but over the course of a year it
really adds up. 
CHRIS -- Well, I guess if you put it that way it does kind of sound
impressive. Wow, what a day. You got this fancy new machine and I'm getting a
raise. Let's go out and have a party. 
MARTIN -- Peterson, you're not comprehending this are you? You're fired. 
CHRIS -- What? Well this is just a blatant case of sexual discrimination cut
and dry and wrapped up with a little bow.
MARTIN -- No, it's because of Paperboy 2000. Time marches on, Peterson. Soon
Paperboy 2000 will be a staple of American life. Mark my words Peterson, if
Norman Rockwell were alive today, he'd be painting this baby. 
CHRIS -- Wait a second. Norman Rockwell's dead? Gosh. You know I just need
about five hours of quiet time alone in this office please. 
MARTIN -- Don't worry Peterson, I'm sure you'll land on your feet. Well, to
be honest I have my doubts about that. Anyway pass the news on to the other
paperboys. Tomorrow is your last day.
CHRIS -- Do you think it would be possible on my last day for you to provide
me with a mistress?

TOWN MEETING

CHRIS -- Oh Dr. Kramer. Thanks for coming. Mrs. Whitman.
MRS. WHITMAN -- We're here to support you Chris. 
KRAMER -- You know Chris, losing a job is one of the leading causes of
stress-related illness. So whatevery you do, try not to die.      
CHRIS -- Well, I'll try doc.
KRAMER -- This is a terrible thing, being replaced by a machine. It's like
1984.
WHITMAN -- Yes.
CHRIS -- Ah, the year's 1990 doc but ah, I appreciate the sentiment. MRS.
TROGDEN -- Allright people, let's get started. Let's settle down. Let's
settle down, people. I know we're all so anxious to hear from our own Chris
Peterson. He called this meeting to discuss his paper route, but first is
there any other business?  Sharon Potter, very well.
SHARON -- Thank you Mrs. Trogden. Residents of Greenville we are all in grave
danger. The results of the tests are in and it has been confirmed. There are
dangerously high levels of raydon in Greenville's basements. Now we must do
something about this problem. 
CHRIS -- Ooooh 
SHARON -- If we all...
CHRIS -- Kay Sharon. Woah boy. 
SHARON -- Jus...
CHRIS -- War of the Worlds. 
SHARON -- Un....I..
CHRIS -- Oh, they're all comin' down with ray guns. 
SHARON -- I...I....
CHRIS --Wooo I'm so scared.
SHARON -- It's.... 
CHRIS -- Okay, I think officer Burrell has some papers for you to sign.
 There she goes. Sharon Potter, ladies and gentlemen, wasn't she wonderful?
(laughs) Oh my, always with the Hollywood causes. She insulted me and she
insulted all of you. But now she's gone and it's like somebody opened a
window in here, huh? (laughs) Now on to things that we all really care about.
As most of you have already probably heard, all the paperboys were fired
today.(crowd moans)  That's right but the worst thing of all of this is that
we're being replaced by a machine. 
CROWD -- No.
CHRIS -- Now, I know that as a paperboy, I have a few faults.
LARRY -- Oh Chris, you're a great paperboy.
CHRIS --  Larry, I know it just added a nice rhythm to my speech.  
BEN -- No machine could replace you.
WOMAN -- This is an outrage!
CROWD -- Yeah!!
MARTIN -- Wait. Before you make a decision I think you should hear more about
our high-tech friend. Picture having your paper delivered by a
state-of-the-art, sleek, shiny, whisper-quiet, robotic buddy with it's own
guidance system.
MRS. WHITMAN -- Wow! Our very own robot?
BEN -- Are you saying it's just like living in outer space?    
MARTIN -- Yes, very much like living in space. 
KRAMER -- You mean, like the Jetsons? 
MARTIN -- Yes. The Jetsons.
WHITMAN -- When can we see it?
MARTIN -- It's idling right outside.
(Crowd rushes out)
CHRIS -- Wait, wait. No, don't go. It's a trick. He's the devil. Don't go. 
Larry, Larry? You're my best friend, how can you do this to me?
LARRY -- I don't know. It just sounds kinda neat.

(Crowd marvels at Paperboy 2000)

KID -- It's cooler than the "Batmobile." 
CHRIS -- Hey wait. Don't go folks. It's just a fad. Remember what happened
with the metric system?  Everybody had such high hopes and then...nothing. 

KITCHEN 

GLADYS -- I'm worried about Chris. He's been so depressed since he lost his
job to Paperboy 2000.
FRED -- Well on the bright side we have been getting the paper earlier and in
better condition. Plus it's a lot like living in space. 
CHRIS -- Dee dee dee dee. Hi Dad. Hi Mom.
GLADYS -- My you're in an awfully good mood this morning. 
CHRIS -- That's right . Well you know last night I realized I had to think
things out. So I gave myself a full-body herbal rubdown. 
FRED -- Ew. 
CHRIS -- And I realized that I really should have given up my paper route a
long time ago. 
FRED -- Yeah, like maybe...when you were twelve years-old?
CHRIS -- You know I know now that somewhere out there there's got to be a
better job for me. I mean I could be anything. I could be ah, a jet pilot or,
or maybe a policeman, or the president of the United States, or maybe a
cowboy. The point is, I'm not going to let this get me down. I'm gonna go out
there, I'm going to pound the pavement until I find a better job and I'm not
going to let anything between the moon and New York City stop me. 
Ugh Ugh Oh ho ho ho. (cries) This door's locked. (cries) Oh who am I kidding?
I've failed. I'm a loser.
FRED -- Well, he gave it his best shot, Gladys.

CHRIS'S ROOM 

CHRIS -- Come in. 
GLADYS --  Oh, oh Chris are you okay? Your father and I are worried about
you, right Fred?
FRED -- Oh my god, look at this garbage scow.  I didn't realize how bad off
you really were, Chris. You've completely bottomed out. 
GLADYS -- Oh no Fred his room's alway's been this vile and disgusting. He's
just kind of a pig. 
FRED -- Well that's a relief. 
CHRIS -- No Dad, you're right. I have just kind of let my self go. Look at
me. I look like Foster Brooks. Remember? He's the gentleman from those roasts
and he'd come out and he'd hiccup and he'd...
FRED -- We know who he is Chris.
CHRIS -- ...oh  He'd make us laugh and forget our problems for awhile. I
could sure go for a visit from good old Foster Brooks right about now. 
FRED -- Gladys. Do you think too much TV as a kid can make you an idiot?
CHRIS -- Oh, I miss my old job. I miss sitting snugly on my bicycle seat,
going over a particularly bumpy part of the road and thinking about girls. 
GLADYS -- Fred, say something to him. Give him one of your pep-talks. 
FRED -- Chris? Knock it off. You're driving us nuts. Okay I think we got
through to him. Let's get the hell out of here. 
GLADYS -- Oh Fred, look it's Paperboy 2000. I never thought we'd live to see
something like this in our lifetime.
CHRIS -- Oow leegh.
FRED -- Well nice job Gladys. My little speech was just begining to sink in. 
GLADYS --  Oh honey, I'm sorry I kinda miss you delivering our newspapers for
us but it's not your fault. No one can beat a machine.
CHRIS -- Wait a second Ma. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna.....wait what am I gonna do?
GLADYS -- Beat a machine?
CHRIS -- Yeah that. Thanks. Thanks. 
FRED -- He's gonna make a horse's ass out of himself. 

SUITING UP MONTAGE

CHRIS -- They want high-tech, I'll give 'em high-tech.

MAN AGAINST MACHINE CHALLENGE  

CHRIS -- Hey look everybody. Hey It's just like living in space. 
BEN -- It's nothing like living in space, you moron.
LARRY -- Chris, remember no matter what happens today they can't take away
your dignity, because you pretty much did that yourself with that outfit. 
CHRIS -- Larry? If I don't make it, I want you to know that my will is
underneath my mattress in my bedroom. I'm leaving everything to my parents,
except for my dirty laundry. I'm leaving that to Sharon, with specific orders
that she separate the colors when she washes them. Because even though I'll
be dead, I'll still want my colors separated. She's gotta do it right, I mean
if it's my last wish? 
Larry -- It's the law.
Chris -- She's gonna be so p.o.ed
Mrs. Whitman -- Look everybody. Here comes Paperboy 2000.

Chris -- Ah, excuse me. Could somebody tell me which end of this tin can is
the butt, cause I'm just about to kick it. 
Mr Martin -- You know Peterson. You're a gutsy, emotionally troubled kid and
well between us-- I hope ya win.  Ah, who am I kidding I don't want you to
win, I'll look like a total idiot.

Mr. Martin -- Allright everybody. Ready, set (blows whistle)
(Christ runs into a tree)
Fred -- I knew it Gladys. Quick let's slink away before somebody notices the
family resemblance.
Larry -- Chris. Are you okay?
Chris -- I'm okay..
Larry -- Well actually you did better than I thought you would. I figured
you'd just fall over and set your clothes on fire.
Chris -- Well Larry, I'm not an idiot.
Larry --I guess it's over Chris.
Chris -- Yeah, I guess so. I guess Socrates was right. You just can't beat a
big high tech computer-driven newspaper delivery system. But ya know what?
I'm man enough to take my failure in stride. (weeps)  Oh God. You son of a
bitch. I hate you. I hate you ( pounds on Paperboy 2000 which runs amok,
smashing out windows and a old lady with his projectile papers)

BEN -- My god, It's gone goofy on us.

(Chris runs, climbs on top and rips out wires. I nears a baby carriage ib the
middle of the road.)  

Mrs. Whitman --Oh no. Paperboy 2000 is headed right for that baby carriage

(Paperboy 2000 Stops just short of the carriage.)
(Crowd sighs with relief)

Woman --Boy that was close.
BEN --Can you imagine if there'd been a baby in there?
Larry -- Chris. That was brilliant. What did you do to finally get it to
stop?
Chris -- I don't know I think it just kinda ran out of gas.
Larry --Chris, you're a hero. If it wasn't for you this baby carriage could
have needed major repairs.
Mr. Martin --Well, Peterson I guess ya made your point.  Paperboy 2000 is
flawless except if someone kicks it in the tire it turns into an out of
control killing machine.  It's starting to make sense why they banned this
thing in Eastern Europe.  I'm begining to think that risk to innocent people
outweighs the extra four dollars a week for human paper boys. You know
something? Pending approval from the head office, we're rehiring all the old
paperboys. (Crowd cheers)


Chris -- Now wait a second. Maybe I don't want you little job back. Huh? Did
ja ever think about that?  Maybe I wanna be the tin foil woodsman in the
town, adored by all the children from now on.
Mr. Martin -- Well, if you've got a better offer.
Chris -- No! I said maybe. C'mon what are you talking about? Of course I want
my job back.
Chris -- (to the crowd) Hey everybody I'm BACK.

(Crowd cheers)

Chris -- And you know something? I think we've all kind of learned a
 valuable lesson here today. That a man, no matter how puny or bald or
overweight or bearded can still have a place in today's society that's mostly
ruled by corporate bibiddy bobiddy boobiddy boos. And that one man's voice
can still be heard over the endless drone of..of those that seem to drone on
endlessly. And actually what we shouldn't do is chit chat really, for
tomorrow is Labor Day. Hey where's everyone going?

(Paperboy 2000 chases Chris and kills him.)

THE END