GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- ROOTS
11. 01/06/91 "ROOTS"
Writers: Adam Markowitz, Bill Freiberger / Director: Dwayne Hickman
While searching through a box in the attic, Chris finds an old receipt
and a photo of himself as a baby with an Amish couple. Chris realizes
he must have been adopted and his real name is "Emmett". He then leaves
on a quest to find his real parents. Fred and Gladys must find him.
Jedidiah .......... Steven Gilborn
Marta ............. Elsa Raven
CHRIS'S ROOM
CHRIS -- Hey look Larry. Look at this, it's an Indian head Quarter. That's
got to be worth a fortune.
LARRY -- Chris, there's no Indian head Quarters. That's George Washington.
CHRIS -- Okay Mr. Neumis Maddock, explain the headress?
LARRY -- It's a ponytail.
CHRIS -- Oh wow. Well this has to be rare then; George Washington dressed up
as a woman. Here. Look at this Larry. (laughs) It's an only Playboy magazine.
You know what buddy? This is a little gift from me to you, because you're
married to Sharon and probably need it a little more than I do.
LARRY -- Ah ha I knew it, here it is; the Beatles did do "Hey Jude." Ha ha ha
ha pay up.
CHRIS -- Jeeze, I could have sworn it was Peter and Gordon.
What's this? Look Larry. It's a picture of me as a baby with a couple of
Pilgrims.
LARRY -- Chris, they're not Pilgrims, they're Amish.
CHRIS - Amish? Wull, I, I don't remember meeting any Amish people when I was
one. What else is in here?
LARRY -- Just a couple of pictures and this; a receipt.
CHRIS -- Lemme see this. (reads) "One baby bu, boy Emmet? ...ten zero, zero,
zero. Larry, Larry do you know what this means?
LARRY -- No, but I have a feeling you have some stupid theory.
CHRIS -- Larry all the pieces of the puzzle are there. Put 'em together. And
it's not one of those difficult puzzles either like, like the kitten with the
marbles.
LARRY -- What are you saying?
CHRIS -- I'm saying that the Petersons bought from an Amish couple for ten
thousand dollars on the black market.
LARRY -- That can't be right.
CHRIS -- Larry, It all makes sense. That's why I don't have any brother or,
or any sisters. They we're too cheap to buy any more. Larry look, look at
Daddy, I'm his spitting image.
LARRY -- Chris, you look nothing like this guy.
CHRIS -- Well come on, you make his beard a little blonder, you take away the
black unstylish clothing, give him some snappy sportswear from Banana
Republic and you got me.
LARRY -- Chris, this is crazy.
CHRIS -- I'm not Chris...I'm Emmet...a healthy white Amish baby... sold to a
couple of two bit carpet baggers. Larry I'm adopted. Hold me.
KITCHEN
CHRIS -- Well, I finally know the truth Mr. and Mrs. Peterson.
FRED -- I know I'm gonna regret this question Gladys but, just what do you
mean by that Chris?
CHRIS -- Well, for openers you're not my real mother and father.
FRED -- Okay, for closers then. CHRIS -- How cavalier; how laizze faire; how
plookie plok.
GLADYS -- Honey, we'd never be plookie plok with you.
CHRIS -- Oh Maw, you don't have to put up a front for me any longer. Those
days are gone, long forgotten, like my size four underpants. We now know the
hideous, ugly, tragic truth.
FRED -- What the hell are you talking about?
CHRIS -- I found out....that I'm adopted.
FRED -- Are you nuts boy?
CHRIS -- Oh don't try to deny it Mr. Peterson. It's obvious we look nothing
alike.
FRED -- Aw you gotta be kidding. For better or worse, we're mirror images.
CHRIS -- Oh yeah I believe that. And I guess Scott Thorson was born looking
exactly like Liberace. Look, it's obvious that you've had extensive plastic
surgery to make yourself look more like me. God Dad, that's fiendish!
FRED -- Chris, haven't we warned you to always crack a window when you use
magic markers?
CHRIS -- I don't even know why I'm even talking to you. You're my landlord.
Our conversations should be limited to stuff like. "Here is my rent check
sir. My sink's still broken. Good morrow to you."
GLADYS -- Chris, don't be an ass, we're your parents.
CHRIS -- Lying is only going to make it worse, Ma. But then again, I guess my
whole life has been a lie, hasn't it. All that matters now is that you admit
it. Come Dad. Be a man. Admit it.
GLADS -- Dear, there's nothing to admit.
CHRIS -- To, to Emmet? Emmet. You, you called me Emmet. No you did. I heard
you. I head Emmet, clear as a bell, you called me Emmet. After all these
years, you finally let your guard down. I can't believe it. Uh, I'm suddenly
so disoriented. Everything seems alien to me.
GLADYS -- You're just a little goofy because you have an empty stomach. Why
don't I fix you a sandwich?
CHRIS -- I'm sorry ma'am, I'm not allowed to take lunch from strangers. I
think I know what has to be done now. Thanks for thirty years of shelter,
clothing and three square meals a day of....LIES!
FRED -- Gladys, unless you think I should be concerned about this, I think
I'll go take a knap.
GLADYS -- Pleasant dreams, dear.
CHRIS'S ROOM
LARRY -- Why don't you just use a suitcase, Chris?
CHRIS -- For the last time, I'm Emmet and I have to travel all the way to
Pensylvania Dutch Country to be reunited with my natural Amish parents, but
until that time I must carry all my belongings in a simple handkerchief tied
to a stick, for at this point I am nothing but a lowly bastard hobo.
Comprende?
LARRY -- It's ironic that your Spanish was the most decipherable thing in
that whole speech. Chris, I can't believe you're going through with this?
CHRIS -- Larry I have no choice. I can't rest until I am reunited with my
true parents in my ancestoral homeland.
LARRY -- The Peterson's are your true parents. I'm ninty-nine point nine
percent sure of that.
CHRIS -- Yeah, but it's that point two thirds that's sending me back to the
boonies.
LARRY -- This is a crazy thought. Forgive my wild imagination but has it ever
occured to you that perhaps you're wrong?
CHRIS -- Well yeah, actually that did occur to me, but when I confronted Fred
and, and what's her name they just denied it, which is exactly what guilty
people do when they sweep adopted dirt underneath the rug. But ya know, I
don't know why I'm telling you this, because technically you're not even my
friend; you're actually Chris Peterson's friend. Jeeze, I wonder how many
other friends they have on the payroll.
LARRY -- That's an insult. I wouldn't be your friend for any amount of money.
Well, that wasn't exactly phrased right but you get the point.
CHRIS -- Well whatever, I'm off to the Pensylvania Dutch Country. And please
don't try to stop me. And whatever you do, do not tell Fred and Gladys
because it would destroy them. They've grown fond of this charade called
Chris Peterson.
LARRY -- Well, don't you think they'll notice that you're missing?
CHRIS -- Not for the first couple of weeks, besides they'd just try to track
me down and buy me back. Everything is money with those people. So promise
okay?
LARRY -- Okay, I promise.
CHRIS -- Naahh. (laughs) Atta boy. (laughs) Look, if you're ever near the ah,
Pensylvania Dutch Country why don't you look me up.
LARRY -- Do you even know where the Pensylvania Dutch Country is?
CHRIS -- Nnwell, not exactly, I, I have a feeling it's somewhere near the
troubled Gaza Strip. I'll find it.
TRAVEL MONTAGE
AMISH HOME
CHRIS -- Mama. Emmet's home.
KITCHEN
GLADYS -- I wonder what's keeping Chris? I put his breakfast down this
morning and it's getting cold.
FRED -- Ah he's probably off watching a mini-series someplace.
LARRY -- Hello? Mr, and Mrs Peterson? Hi. I'm not interupting anything am I?
FRED -- Well yeah Larry, uh Gladys and I were sitting here trying to figure
how to get the bugs out of the Hovel telescope.
LARRY -- (laughs) Mr. Peterson. You always crack me up.
GLADYS -- It's nice to see you Larry. What's new?
FRED -- Is your old man still running around with that red-head?
GLADYS -- Fred.
LARRY -- Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, do you know how it is when you have a
terrible secret knawing at you?
FRED -- No.
LARRY -- ...and you've got to tell somebody?
GLADYS -- Fred and I have lots of horrible secrets we keep from each other.
FRED -- That's right. I don't mind a bit. I got few that would knock her
socks off.
LARRY -- God, I can't take it anymore. I'm wracked with guilt.
FRED -- Larry, did Chris ever mention our short attention span?
LARRY -- It's just that he made me promise not to tell you.
GLADYS -- Not to tell us what?
FRED -- Yeah, out with it boy. Come on.
LARRY -- Okay, Okay you've broken me. He's run away from home.
FRED -- Can you do that when you're thirty?
LARRY -- Can you have paper route when you're thirty?
FRED -- Hey, don't make me get up from this table.
GLADYS -- Why would Chris run away from home?
LARRY -- To find his real parents. He thinks he's been adopted.
FRED -- I thought we'd cleared that up.
GLADYS -- Yes, that's not one of our horrible secrets.
LARRY -- But what about that picture with him and the Amish couple?
FRED -- What the hell's he talking about?
LARRY -- You know the picture of Chris as a baby being held by an Amish
couple? He found it in the attic.
FRED -- So what. We've also got a picture of him with Santa Claus.
GLADYS -- That must be from our vacation in the Pensylvania Dutch Country.
FRED -- Yeah that's right. We went there when the Health Department closed
down Reptile Land.
GLADYS -- And we took a picture of him with an Amish couple even though it
was against every fiber of their religious beliefs.
FRED -- Yeah, they probably got thrown in the hole for it.
LARRY -- Now I get it. You guys took a vacation to the Pensylvania Dutch
Country when Chris was a baby and took a souvenier picture of him with an
Amish couple.
FRED -- Nice work. Make some mantle space for that Nobel.
LARRY --Oh no. Now Chris has gone off to find some strangers and we're never
gonna see him again.
FRED -- I wouldn't hold my breath.
LARRY -- But Mr. Peterson, don't you understand you've got to go find him and
bring him back.
FRED -- Look boy, the only thing I've got to do is die and pay taxes.
GLADYS -- Oh Fred, spare us the tired old cliches. Put on your street shoes.
We're gonna get our Chris back.
AMISH HOME
CHRIS -- Ah, Mama, we've ah, been standing out here staring at each other for
ten minutes, aren't ya gonna invite me in? I mean ya know, this is my home
now too.
JED -- Marta? Who goes?
CHRIS -- Papa, is that you? Oh God, of course it's you. What am I saying? The
resemblance in the eyes is uncanny. Of course I have a little different
taste in clothing, but you know that's my generation. Hi. Hi. (hugs them
each)
JED -- Who are you?
CHRIS -- Well, don't you recognize me? I'm your long-lost son Emmet, and I've
finally come home.
JED -- What do you want?
CHRIS -- I want what we once had...a one big happy family. And my dream has
come true. We're all back together again. (sings) "Reunited and it feels so
good." What a touching moment. So, what do ya say we all come inside eh,
shoot the bull and throw back some brews. Oh my wow.
JED -- A disturbed city dweller. We had better humor him or he may attack us.
CHRIS -- Jeeze, everything's so plain and ....unfancy. (laughs) You know
there's new word it's called "color." You might want to put that in your
roll-a-decks. (laughs) Gee, so you got ten-grand for me and ah, you still
live like this? What do you guys have a gambling problem or something?
JED -- We are simple people; farmers.
CHRIS -- Oh well that's great. That's perfect. I'll fit in fine. I'm simple
too. You know ah, I had a heck of a time finding you guys, ah, the traffic
was horrendous it was ah, ah....bridle to bridle. (laughs) Oh my. Hey, what
are we standing around gabbing, "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is on in
about five minutes.
MARTA -- I don't know what you speak.
CHRIS -- Well you know, where's your home entertainment center, you're,
you're big screen TV slash stereo slash waffle-maker slash dealie slash
thing.
JED -- All we have is a fireplace unt a loom
CHRIS -- Wheew! Wow! PAR-TIEE. Okay. Gosh, you guys are worse off that I
thought. But don't worry you're luck has changed. The people you sold me to
we're, we're very good to me and I've returned home as, as your sugar daddy.
Now, hold on to your bonnets. I'm gonna bring you into the twentieth century.
(laughs)
Now where would that be? It's gotta be round here somewhere. Hey, Dad where's
the outlet?
JED -- We have no electricity.
CHRIS -- Are you kidding? Did they shut it off? Sheeezh. You know you, you
really got to watch that kind of stuff cause that, that could end up on your
TRW, that's. That's a credit report Mom. (laughs) Women--you know when it
comes to money it's like they're on another planet. (laughs) Ahh. Hey, what's
wrong with you too? Come on this is suppose to be a joyous occasion. You're
son Emmet is home. Put on your happy faces. That's better. Mom. I've got a
little surprise for you. It's a gay scarf. (laughs) Now don't faint. Pierre
Cardin. See all you had to do is accessorize a little bit.
JED -- We are humble folk. We shun the ways of the outside world. That is the
custom of our people.
CHRIS -- Oh, oh, jeeze, well, I, I guess if I'm gonna live here I, I guess I
aughta accept your, your humble simple ways. Hm. Sure am gonna miss my water
pic. Er ah, something tells me that I won't be running into Claudia Schiffer
at the supermarket, if you know what I mean. (laughs)
FRED AND GLADYS TRAVEL MONTAGE
AMISH HOME
JED -- The Englisher still sleeps?
MARTA -- Yes.
JED -- Now would be a good time to murder him. If only our religion did not
forbid it.
MARTA -- If only.
CHRIS -- (clears throat) Good morning. Goodmorning. (laughs) Oh, I hope you
don't mind. I found these clothes upstairs and I just kinda threw them on. I
look nice and plain don't I, like a sexy young Amish lad? (laughs) Well, it's
five thirty a.m. and everyone's up, hippity hoppity, pippity poppity. What do
you guys al have paper routes here or something?
JED -- Sir, if we fed you would you leave us?
CHRIS -- No. No of course not. You're so insecure, no. I'm here forever.
DOOR KNOCKS
CHRIS -- I'll get it Papa. Fred! Gladys!
JED -- Oh no, more of them.
CHRIS -- What are you doing here?
FRED -- We've come to take you home you idiot.
CHRIS -- This is now my home.
FRED -- Couldn't you run away to a place like Florida or something? Say, do
you have a TV around here, Brigit Nielson is gonna be on the Today show.
CHRIS -- We do not have vaust electroneecs. We are simple people and we shun
the ways of your people with your pre-sweetened cereals and your silent dog
whistles. So be gone you hedonistic, button pushing...fancy pants.
FRED -- It's nice to know he hasn't changed.
GLADYS -- Chris I must admit you look very smart in a hat.
CHRIS -- For the last time I am not Chris, I am Emmet Stoltzfoots, son to
Jedidah and Marta Stoltzfoots. We're the Stoltzfootses. Dad, tell them I'm
your son, come on.
JED -- But you're not our son.
CHRIS -- So you've bought their silence too huh, like you buy everything
else, with your filthy money?
GLADYS -- What money?
CHRIS -- Like the ten thousand dollars you paid for me on the black market.
FRED -- Are you nuts? I've never had ten thousand dollars in my life.
CHRIS -- Don't deny it I have the receipt right here. Look at this, one baby
boy Emmet, ten thousand dollars.
FRED -- What? One baby bonnet--ten dollars.
GLADYS -- That's the receipt for the Amish baby bonnet we bought for you
years ago and this must be the nice Amish couple we bought it from. We even
took a picture of you with them.
MARTA -- I told you no good could come from being photographed.
CHRIS -- I'm so embarassed. (laughs) I don't know what to say. (laughs) This
is worse than when I was sleepwalking through the neighborhood in my Mom's
robe. (laughs)
FRED -- Can we get the hell outta here now?
CHRIS -- Wait a second Dad. Not so fast. You know I, I'm a little torn here.
I mean you two have been my parents for the last fifteen hours and I can't
throw that away. You know there's a bond that happens between a mother and a,
a child, and that bond can never be broken. How I love you so dearly. (weeps)
FRED -- Maybe we could work out a six-month exchange program?
JED + MARTA --NO!
CHRIS -- Oh then I guess this is goodbye. Papa, I want you to know that
you're simple ways will always be a part of me, but to be honest I, I never
had the cheekbones to carry off that cute beard-without-a-mustache look
anyways. And Mama, you know I never did taste your, your meat kraut, hash,
saurbrauten pies but ah, (laughs) you know I don't really like those heavy
italian sauces and, and actually they don't like me either. (laughs) If you
know what I mean. (laughs) So I guess as E.T. used to say "I'll be right
there."
FRED -- Chris, they're Amish. They probably haven't seen a movie since
"Spartacus."
CHRIS -- Oh sorry. Well I'll miss you both dearly. Hey listen, do you mind if
I keep this outfit? My skin just kinda come alive in black.
JED -- Take whatever you want just get out. I, I, I mean that in the most
Christian sense.
FRED -- I'm sorry if Chris has been a lot of trouble to you. You know how
kids are. Do you have any of your own?
JED -- Ya but they're all married and on their own. That is the way with our
people.
FRED -- Well normally that's the way of our people too but...
CHRIS -- Yeah but then we'd be gyped out of precious moments like these.
(laughs) Hey you know since this is kind of, well kind of a backwards sorta
family reunion of sorts um, what do you say we get one of those "where are
they now" pictures huh? (laughs) Great idea. Hey Pop, why don't you do the
honors?
FRED -- Ahh jeeze.
CHRIS -- There we go. Now let's do this just like the other one and I think
in the other one um, you were actually holding me Papa tu. (laughs) Oh great.
Okay.
FRED -- Now can we please go?
CHRIS -- Sure. (laughs) Ah wait hold on a second here. Um Dad, If I'm not
adopted, could you please explain this to me?
FRED -- Well Chris we just took that picture a second ago.
CHRIS -- Oh yeah (laughs) I'm sorry I forgot. (laughs) I love you guys.
(laughs) Oh my.
THE END