GET A LIFE SCRIPT  --  CHRIS MOVES OUT


 23. 11/09/91  "CHRIS MOVES OUT"  (201)
 David Mirkin, Adam Resnick / David Mirkin

 Much to his parents amazement (and joy), Chris finally leaves home 
 and rents a room with a "garage motif" from gruff ex-cop Gus Borden.  


(Peterson kitchen)


CHRIS -- Ah dear parents, I bid you goodmorning. And now  with your
permission I would like to commence with something I like to call the "I have
a bid announcement to make dance." Hm. I have a big announcement to make. I
have a big announcement to make. I have a big announcement to make.
Announcement, announcement announcement....
FRED --- Allright boy. Enough already. What do you think this is, Studio 54?
GLADYS -- He's right sweetheart. Besides you know acting goofy on an empty
stomach always makes you vomit.
CHRIS -- Okay. Woo. Boy for some reason dancing always makes my groin hurt.
Wa ooh. (laughs) Anyway mother, father?: as you both know, today is my
birthday.
FRED -- How old are you anyway, fifty?
CHRIS -- (laughs) Oh Daddy.(laughs) No no. Today I'm thirty one years-old and
that leads me to my big announcement. (clears throat) Do you know what I
found on my pillow this morning? 
FRED -- Oh my god, lice? For crying out loud boy, you'll infest the whole
house. 
CHRIS --  No Dad no, I didn't find lice. I found hair, my hair. At least I'm,
I'm, I'm pretty sure it was my hair, I mean I suppose there's an outside
chance that a small albino ape crept into my bedroom window while I was
asleep and then put his head on my pillow but I think it would have...
FRED -- Get to the point, you simp.
CHRIS -- Well the point is I, I'm getting too old. I'm, I'm getting to old to
live with my mother and my father. I mean, thirty was fine but , come on
thirty one? (laughs) Jeeze we're talking dorksville--dorksville U.S.A. 10020.
At any rate dear parents, at this point I would like to announce to you that
I'm officially, unequivically, irreversibly and pookie plockily, moving out. 
FRED -- Yeah, I'll belive it when I see it.
GLADYS -- Chris honey, I hope you're not jerking us around again. You really
are leaving this time aren't you? 
CHRIS -- Yes Ma. No, this, this is the real thing. This is an end of an era.
As they say in the Jewish religion when a boy turns thirty one; Today I am a
man, I'm leaving home. Oh ho ho. Oh. (laughs) Well, I guess the only thing
left to do now is for me to express my feelings....in song. (sings) We had
joy. We had fun. We had seasons in the sun. We had wine but the wine like the
seasons have all gone..
FRED -- Alright. Get the hell out already.

"GEORGIE GIRL" MONTAGE

1804 YORK LANE

CHRIS -- (knocks on door) Hm. They must not have heard me.  Ah, I guess it's
time for the heavy artillery. (bangs head against door)
GUS -- Hey! Get outta here you bum. The train tracks are on the other side of
town. 
CHRIS -- Sir please, before you embarrass yourself any further, let me assure
you I am not a hobo.
GUS -- Don't give me that crap. I've rousted enough transient butt in my day
to know a slobbering brain-dead derelict when I see one. 
CHRIS -- Okay fine. I see I'm going to have to prove something here. Ah. Ah
Sir ah, what does the lable on my pants say?
GUS -- Jordach.
CHRIS -- Correct-a-mundo. And how many bums do you know that wear designer
pants?
GUS -- Point well taken. Sorry chief, what can I do for ya? 
CHRIS -- Well um, according to your ad in the classified section here um, you
have a room for rent. 
GUS -- I don't have any room for rent. Wait a minute that's not my address. 
CHRIS -- Oh. Oh Jeeze I, I'm sorry I must have misread it. I wanted 23 Maple
and, and this is a...
GUS -- 1804 York Lane. 
CHRIS -- Right, right. Yeah well I, I guess you must get that all the time
what with the, you know the phonic similarity and all that. Anyway, a
thousand apologies sahib. And I do hope you enjoy the rest of your day. 
GUS -- Get lost, ya jerk.
CHRIS -- Oh. What a sweet man. 
GUS -- Hey kid. Ah, how much were you ah, planning to spend on a place?
CHRIS -- Ah, one hundred and fifty dollars a month.
GUS --  Well you know, ironically you are in the right place. Yeah, I must
have given the paper the wrong address by mistake. I got a habit of placing
ads when I'm drunk.  My name's Gus. 

GARAGE

GUS -- Well, this is it.
CHRIS -- Hm. Yeah, very interesting, huh. Now it's funny it, it kinda looks
like a garage. 
GUS --Yeah, there is a slight garage motif. That's what I had my designer go
for. 
CHRIS -- Oh yeah no I, I think it's actually that garage door over there that
gives it that whole garagey feel. 
GUS -- Actually that's what they call a French horizontal door.  It lends
itself to the overall French/Garage theme. 
CHRIS -- Ah yes huh. Oh well, then I take it you've been to gay Paris?
GUS -- Oh yeah, I'm over there at least once a month...you know basically
ah...clothes shopping.
CHRIS -- Sounds fun. (laughs) (sniffs) Hmm. Now that's interesting. Is that
me or does it smell like cars in here?
GUS -- Naw that's probably that pile of gasoline-soaked rags. You'll find
that after awhile the fumes'll make you happy.
CHRIS -- Well, well this place has everything. Jeeze (laughs) Well Gus, in,
in keeping with my lifetime history of making snap irrational decisions. I'll
take the place. (laughs) Let me have the least and I'll put my old Bob
Hancock on it. 
GUS -- Ah here, just sign this.
CHRIS -- Okay. Well now that's, that's odd this looks like a receipt for an
oil change. 
GUS -- Yeah, I'm saving paper it's ah, a whole rain forest deal.  Ah, here's
the key to the place. It's one of those electronic jobs. You might have a
rough time getting copies made. 
CHRIS -- Wait a second Gus. This place is a garage. And don't try to deny it
either because it says garage right here on this little crazy gizmo that you
gave me. 
GUS --  Allright you got me. It's a garage.  
CHRIS -- Well that's great. (laughs) I like it even better.  Oh my gosh, ya
know. Ah, this is like a dream come true. All my life I've lived over a
garage and I could only dream of what it would be like to, to actually live
in a garage. Oh sure, let all the ordinary losers live in their apartments
and their, their posh mansions and their...laundry chutes. I wanted a special
place a, a place that's different, a place that's, that's holy, a place
that's only reserved for precious, exalted, shiny cars. 
GUS -- Yeah right, ah. Well, here's your fully executed copy of the lease.
 And ah, welcome aboard tenant.
CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) Well thank you very much, Gus. (laughs) As Bogart said
at the end of "Casablanca," I think this is the begining of a two guys who
kinda tolerate each other. 
GUS -- I'm going for a beer now. Don't bother me.
CHRIS -- I think I've died and gone to heaven.

LATER 

CHRIS -- I'm home, homie, homo, homeroonie. Well, you know now that I look
around at this place it's a bit of a reeking filth-hole. Well, I better just
roll up my sleeves and start sprucing up the place.

CAPTION: Seven Hours Later

CHRIS -- (Chris has added only a vase of flowers) There, just so. (laughs)
Whew boy, that was a bit of an ass-grinder. Now this place is almost clean
enough to have sex in. Unfortunately it's time for bed. (laughs) Well, wait a
second. Mom and Dad aren't here. I can stay up as late as I want. This calls
for some wild cavorting in my undies. Oh now come on, just because your Mom
and Dad aren't here it's no reason to go hog wild. Besides they're right, If
I don't get my nine hours of sleep I get very cranky and very colicy.
GUS -- Hey kid.
CHRIS -- Aah! Aah! Who are you?
GUS -- It's Gus. I own the place, remember? Are you some kind of
squirrel-brain or something?
CHRIS -- Oh. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, what do you require of me sir? 
GUS -- Well I thought you might need some blankets. They stink a little but I
didn't think you'd mind. 
CHRIS -- No, you're right I don't mind. Thank you very much. 
GUS --  Hey, you really fixed the place up. You've got a decorator's eye. 
CHRIS -- Yeah um. You know I'm right in the middle of preparing for  bed here
and ah, well I have quite a vigorous toilet ahead of us. 
GUS -- Don't let me stop you kid.
CHRIS -- Do you mind if I ask you what you do for a living sir?
GUS -- Oh, I'm ah, retired.
CHRIS -- Oh ah, retired from what?
GUS -- I was a cop for awhile, okay.
CHRIS -- A cop.Wow. Hey, that's really neat. (laughs) Could you get free hot
dogs? 
GUS -- Neat? You want neat kid? I'll give ya neat. Neat is when you bust
you're butt for twelve years protecting scum like you and then they tell you
you're through at thirty nine, just because one night you had a few too many
and your partner dared you to pee on the captain.
CHRIS -- Could you get free cheese?
GUS -- Hey kid. Are you from one of those institutions that lost it's funding
and had to kick everyone out into the streets?
CHRIS -- Would you teach me how to sew?
GUS -- Look, I'm just gonna grab a couple of pounds of bacon for breakfast
and then I'm gonna go. By the way, I know how many steaks are in there. So
don't try any crap.
CHRIS -- Ah hey, hey listen, wuh, wouldn't you like to stay here and, and
tell police stories un, until the sleep pixies come?  (Gus slams door behind
him) I guess I'm gonna just have to rename him Mr. Grouchie-pants. Okay.

LATER

CHRIS -- Dee dee dee dee dee etc. Oh boy, my first night alone in my new
place. (laughs) Suddenly I'm a strong, young, viril, sexy bachelor. (laughs)
My life is gonna be great from now on. Huh huh. I can play my bongos as loud
as I want, I can have as many women women as I can lift. (laughs) I'm gonna
become a responsible, independant man. Hm hmmmm. I miss Mommy and Daddy.
(cries) Okay come on, come on relax. You're thirty one years-old and
according to many experts that's old enough to spend one night alone. 
GUS -- (sings "Blue Moon" from behind the door)
CHRIS -- Well see there, there. There's somebody on the other side of the
wall there not, not unlike Daddy.
GUS -- (gargles, wretches and coughs)
CHRIS -- Jeeze, what the hell is that?  He could be a monster. I didn't get a
good look at his teeth. What if, what if they're razor-sharp and pointy?
 And, and his stomach's a little pudgy. What if he has a young boy in his
stomach already? (grinding sound from behind the wall) No, he could be
sharpening an axe right now. What if, what if he's a madman and, and he wants
to cut me up into a thousand pieces until I'm just a couple more slabs of
bacon in his, in his freezer from hell?  What if I've just fallen into the
lair of the Devil himself? He's balding exactly the way the Devil would be
balding, isn't he?  Yeah, he is. He's gonna kill me. Yeah. He's gonna kill
me. No. Ah ooh agh oo He's gonna kill me. ahh oaho ahaa etc. (Chris has panic
attack)
GUS -- What the hell?!!
CHRIS -- aahh ooah ooah. You're gonna eat me!
GUS -- Would you shut up you fat creep!
CHRIS -- Must....Kill....Evil. Bugh ugh.(Chris attacks Gus)
GUS -- What are you doing you maniac? (Gus gets Chris is a half nelson)
CHRIS --  Agh agh. Be merciful. Kill me quick. Stab my neck.
GUS --  Look you schizo, I'm not going to kill you. 
CHRIS --  Listen not to the Devil, for he mixes lies with the truth...and
vermooth.
GUS -- I could kill you right now, but I'm not going to. (Gus releases Chris)
See? That proves that I'm not gonna kill you.
CHRIS -- Oh...yeah...I do see. Well, okay...Hey, I'm sorry about that whole
"Devil thing."(laughs) Sorry. Hey ya know I, I think this little episode has,
kinda brought us closer. (laughs) Ya know something? I think I feel a hug and
a moment coming on.  Come on.
GUS -- Touch me and I'll punch your teeth through the back of you're neck.
CHRIS -- My, we're so afraid of our emotions, aren't we?
GUS -- Look, I'm going to bed now. But if you scream again, I will kill you.
I can't believe what I let into my house for a lousey one fifty a month. 
CHRIS -- Well, it shouldn't be too bad, I don't think. Oh, it's kinda comfy.
Okay. Oh, ah this is good. (spider on Chris' pillow) Aagh aagh aagh etc.
GUS -- That's it, you're a stiff in the river, ya little puke. 
CHRIS -- You don't understand it was a giant spider, a giant leggy spider on
my pillow. 
GUS -- So? There's spiders all over this garage.
CHRIS -- Well, what if he crawled up into my underpants?
GUS --  Look girlie, a few arachnids aren't gonna hurt ya. I probably even
have a couple on me. (Gus turns revealing several spiders on his back)
CHRIS -- Aagh aagh oh aagh..
GUS -- Allright sissy-butt. If you dont like it, I'll just spray a little
insecticide. (Gus empties can into the room)
CHRIS -- Oh thanks...Oh...Thank you...I feel better...uh...hmm (Chris gets
woosie and passes out)
GUS -- Oooh, I shoulda read the label.

MORNING

CHRIS -- Oh jeeze. Ooh. Whew  Oh my. Agh. Hey, I did it. I spent a night by
myself. Which proves that I can live alone in my new home like a full-fledged
adult. And having proven that I see no reason to put myself through that
living hell ever again.

CHRIS' OLD DOORWAY 

CHRIS -- Oh my old sweet sexy room. I was such a pompous fool to have left
you. Okay. Huh?

KITCHEN

CHRIS -- Mom, Dad. Did you notice anything...out of the ordinary about my old
room? 
GLADYS -- We kept it exactly as you left it dear.
FRED -- Then had it filled with cement. 
CHRIS -- Jeeze, I've only been gone since yesterday?
FRED -- Well, some guys'll work at night if you throw enough money around. 
CHRIS -- Hey you, you know I tried calling you guys last night and for some
reason I couldn't get through.
GLADYS -- We had the number changed.
FRED -- They had a half-price thing going if you also changed all the locks
on the doors.
CHRIS -- So what's the new number?
FRED -- It escapes me now.
GLADYS -- We'll call you with it.
CHRIS -- No don't bother, that won't be necessary (starts bawling) because I
want to come back home.
FRED -- I knew it. Under twenty-four hours. You owe me ten bucks Gladys. And
he's crying, you owe me another five. 
CHRIS -- Oh, great. Oh, wonderful. Well, then it's all settled. I'm moving
back. Now, just until I get the tunnel started into my old room I guess I'll
have to be bunking with you guys, huh? It'll be like re-living my late teens.

FRED -- Chris, have you ever heard the term, "No way in hell?"
GLADYS -- Chris, your father has strong feelings, and I myself would rather
rip off my own head than have to ever lay eyes on your damn sticky laundry
again. 
CHRIS -- Oh, okay. (laughs) Wait a second. Allright I know what you two guys
are trying to do here. (laughs) Okay. You're acting this way to make me grow
up? (laughs) It's that tough love thing, right? (laughs) You care enough
about me to hurt me?
FRED -- More than you know. 
CHRIS -- Well this is a valuable lesson.
FRED -- We're glad you're getting that angle on it, Chris. But we don't care
if you learn a damn thing. The point is they'll open a Vatican in Vegas
before your butt ever touches a mattress in here again. 
CHRIS -- Father, dear father, thank you, thank you. You're the greatest. Ah
ha ho jeeze. Boy, you know you've done everything right in bringing me up.
That should be obvious. It's the reason that I rose to head paperboy in a
scant fifteen years.  Now you've given me the greatest gift of all; the gift
of knowing when it's time to move on. I truly do believe that now in my
cholestoral clogged heart. And well, hey, since I've learned this lesson so
well, what do you say we all celebrate by having one last breakfast together,
huh?
FRED -- Chris, please don't make us call the cops. 
CHRIS -- You never stop teaching do ya? You old braggart. Well farewell sweet
loins of whom I am the fruit of. 
FRED -- Did he just call me an old bastard?

GUS' DOORWAY

GUS -- I thought something was stinking up the place. This rodent must have
crawled under there and died. Well, we eat good tonight, huh?
CHRIS -- You're all I got left. (hugs Gus)

GARAGE

CHRIS -- Well, this is quite different person from the hysterical young boy
who couldn't get to sleep last night. Hm. Tonight is a new begining for me.
Tomorrow is the first day of the last ten years of my life. I'm gonna get up.
I'm gonna make my own breakfast and do my own shopping and sign up for jury
duty. (laughs) Boy, I love my new home and my new life. Hm. And ya know, I
don't know if I've ever felt more secure and safe in my whole life. Hm. 

(In a reverse zoom the camera reveals Chris covered in spiders, a plie of
rags catching fire and Gus in the foreground sharpening an axe)

THE END