The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" in courtesy of KATHY in association with TVTDB.COM. "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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INT. MACLAREN'S

(Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney sitting at booth)

Ted: So, being married? Different? Not different?

(Marshall and Lily look at each other)

Marshall: It's the same mostly, except I think I might be getting carpal tunnel. My hand keeps cramping up.

Barney: I thought the whole point of getting married was that you didn't have to do that anymore.

Marshall: No, it's from writing all the thank-you notes! Mostly.

Lily: Yeah, we're writing constantly. There's forms we have to sign, our death folders, thank-you notes...

Barney: Whoa, whoa, what are death folders?

Lily: It's this thing they recommend you do in case one spouse dies unexpectedly.

Marshall: It's all the information your spouse might need all in one convenient location.

Lily: Yeah, account info, important addresses, a letter to the other person, all that stuff. I'll get the next round.

(Lily gets up and goes to the bar)

Marshall: I am such a jerk.

Barney: Yeah. Wait, why?

Marshall: I didn't know I was supposed to write a letter. All Lily's gonna find in that folder are a bunch of bank statements and a funny list of things to do with my ashes.

Ted: Marshall brownies?

Marshall: Number 6.

Ted: Yeah.

Marshall: God, I am a bad husband. No, uh, no, I'll just write, I'll write Lily a letter tonight, everything'll be fine.

Barney: That's right, unless you die between now and then. But come on, that's never gonna happen.

Ted: Yes. There's one thing that we can state with absolute certainty is that Marshall Ericksen is not going to die before writing that letter.

Barney: No way at all. In fact I dare God to smite down this perfectly healthy...

Marshall: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I get it. You guys know that I'm a little superstitious, and you guys are trying to freak me out. Well, guess what? It didn't work, so there.

(Ted nods, both Ted and Barney look at Marshall and wait, Marshall looks uncomfortable, knocks on table, pours some salt onto his hand and throws it over his shoulder, Marshall gets up and spins around three times)

Marshall (pointing at Ted and Barney): You guys are jerks.

(Marshall runs out of bar)

OPENING CREDITS

(flashback of Ted and Robin breaking up in her apartment)

Future Ted VO: So after Robin and I broke up she needed some time away, away from her normal home, her normal life, and it turns out, her normal self.

(flashback to Robin in Argentina, sitting around table of food next to Gael)

Robin: I was just so uptight in New York, you know. I mean, down here everybody shares everything. It's like we're all one big shimmering ball of positive energy. I wonder if anyone's ever thought that before.

Gael: Here, eat. If we run out of fish, I will catch more with my hands.

(Gael feeds Robin food from his fingers)

(sound of drums playing)

Robin: A drum circle. They're different every time, let's go watch!

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Robin, Barney, Lily and Ted sitting at booth, Robin showing pictures from Argentina)

Robin: And here I am at the drum circle.

Barney: Whoa, are you topless? Ted, check this out.

Ted: Seen 'em.

Lily: Wow, it seems like a great trip.

(Robin passes photo album to Lily)

Robin: Oh, it was. I feel like the Robin who left is not the same Robin who came back, you know.

Lily: Wow, there's a lot of nude people in here.

Barney: You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun-toting NewYorker.

Lily: Just shoes and a shirt. That's a look.

Barney: What you are not is a massage-giving, wind-surfing, bongo-playing, teetotaling, vegan peacenik hippie like your soon to be ex-boyfriend, Gael. Back me up here, Ted.

Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.

Robin: Thank you.

Lily: Man, this is like the Where's Waldo of exposed genitalia except that it's really easy to find Waldo.

Robin: I've evolved and I'm enjoying living my life a little bit closer to the way Gael and I did in Argentina.

Barney: Please, vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a "best if banged by" sticker on him. Once the romance starts to stink you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk and go back to being "unevolved Robin," the one we actually like. Back me up here Ted

Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.

Barney: I'm telling you within three days...

Lily: Oh, here he comes, switch to big words.

(Gael comes over to the booth and sits next to Robin)

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.

Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney: This is all gonna return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

INT. APARTMENT

(Marshall sitting at table with pencil and paper)

Future Ted VO: That night, Marshall sat down to write the letter he hoped Lily would never have to read.

(Angel Marshall appears over Marshall's shoulder and speaks what Marshall is writing)

Angel Marshall: My dearest sweetest, Lilypad, let this letter be a small beacon, a tiny firefly to help light your way through the years ahead.

(Marshall crying as he writes letter)

Angel Marshall: My love for you persists, higher than the Himalayas, deeper than a Scottish

Loch.

Angel Marshall: (very seriously) If I die under suspicious circumstances, then beware, trust no one, not even Ted.

(Marshall stops writing and thinks, continues to write)

Angel Marshall: Especially not Ted. Know that I'll always be there in heart whenever you need me and my love for you will never die. Love, your Marshmallow.

(Marshall kisses envelope letter is in and puts in his death folder, sees Lily's folder, looks around and takes letter out of her death folder, Marshall opens letter and reads it)

Angel Lily: M, ATM pincode 5459. Teacher's pension account A3932. Cancel vogue. L.

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Gael, Robin and Lily sitting at booth, other girls stand around booth listening to Gael)

Gael: My windsurfing board, it had floated away, and the shark, he was getting closer. They say to escape, you punch the shark in the nose. But I said, brother shark, we are both children from the same earth mother. And that's all I remember until the hospital.

(Barney and Ted stand over by bar)

Barney: That guy.

Ted: Yeah, that guy. Look at how easy he has it.

Barney: You and me, we have to bend over backwards to get a woman to, well, bend over backwards. But that guy... Every woman in the bar is hanging on his every slightly mispronounced word. And why? Ted: Better looking than us.

Barney: No, because he's from out of town.

Ted: Mmm.

Barney: With an accent and an innocent smile, you don't even have to try.

Ted: Yeah. Plus, automatic out, you're leaving in a couple of days. God, I wish we were tourists.

Barney: Actually, you know where I've been meaning to visit.

(subtitled 'new york city', evening exterior shot of Manhattan)

EXT. MACLAREN'S

(Ted and Barney standing on street)

Ted: OK, OK, we're from a small town in the south of France. Our plane leaves Sunday morning.

Barney: (in Southern accent) Uh, hey, howdy, ladies. We seem to be a little bit lost. Would you happen to know what street the Statue of Liberty's on?

Lindsay: Actually it's on its own island.

Barney: Oh, it's right. Thank you. My name is, uh, Ignatius Peabody Nobel from East Westerton, Missouri and this is my friend, Ted.

Colleen: Hi, um, I'm colleen.

(Barney shakes hands with Colleen)

Barney: Hi Colleen.

Colleen: This is Lindsay.

(Barney shakes hands with Lindsay, Ted claps hands)

Barney: Hi Lindsay.

Ted: So, hey, you-you-you ladies have been awful nice to us, what do you say? Ah, never mind.

Colleen: No, what is it?

Ted: Well, it's just we're leaving Sunday morning. It sure would be nice to have some real New Yorkers show us around

Barney: Yeah.

Lindsay: Well, we're busy tonight but maybe tomorrow afternoon? After lunch?

Barney: Well, hot dog. Should we...you wanna just meet here in front of Mac, MacLaren's pub?

Colleen: It's kind of a lame bar but, sure

Ted: Really? It doesn't seem that lame to me.

Lindsay: It's pretty lame.

Ted: I think it's cool.

Colleen: We'll see you tomorrow.

(Colleen and Lindsay walk away)

Ted: I'm just saying it just seems like a bar a lot of cool people would hang out at.

Barney: All right, come on.

(Barney drags Ted away)

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Lily and Robin sit at booth)

Lily: So Gael, huh? Still going strong?

Robin: Yeah, it's great, amazing, fantastic, awesome.

Lily: Oh, that's one too many. What's going on?

Robin: Well, now that I'm home, I'm finding myself getting annoyed at things that I loved on vacation.

(flashback to Argentina, Gael and Robin sitting on table, Gael feeds Robin food with his fingers)

Gael: Here, taste, experience your food.

Robin: Oh, so good.

(flashback to Brooklyn, Gael and Robin sitting on her couch, Gael feed Robin spaghetti with his hands)

Gael: Here, taste, experience your food.

Robin: Oh, sofa, oh, sofa

(flashback to Argentina)

Gael: We're alone now, I must have you.

(Gael swipes his arm across the table to clear it, Robin gets on table and Gael kisses her neck)

(flashback to Brooklyn)

Gael: I must have you.

(Gael swipes his arm across the table to clear it, Robin gets on table and Gael kisses her neck)

Robin: Laptop, laptop, laptop.

(back to present scene)

Robin: And you know what else? I'm still finding sand everywhere. I mean, we haven't been to the beach since Argentina, where is it all coming from?

Lily: Maybe you're just going back to the person you were before the trip.

Robin: I don't want to. I was so happy down there. No, you know what? I'm done complaining. I'm evolving. I'm just gonna go with the flow.

INT. ROBIN'S BATHROOM

(Robin taking a shower, male lifts up toilet seat)

Robin: Wow, Gael, you're peeing while I'm in the shower. OK, OK, old Robin would have been like dude, occupado, but now, you know what, I'm cool with it. Pee it up. In fact, when you're done, why don't you come in here and join me?

(Robin opens up shower curtains and finds a strange guy standing there)

Australian Guy: Don't mind if I do, love.

(Robin screams)

INT. ROBIN'S LIVING ROOM

(Robin walks into living room area putting on her robe)

Robin: Gael, there's some weird...Hello.

(Gael sitting in living room with 5 other people)

Gael: Hey, good news. I met some new traveling friends today and they will be staying with us, how do you say, indefinitely.

Everyone: G'day.

INT. APARTMENT

(Lily sitting on couch, Marshall walks in from bedroom)

Lily: Oh, here, will you sign this thank-you note?

(Lily hands Marshall thank-you note)

Marshall: Wow, both sides. You wrote on both sides of a thank-you note to my third-cousin for a blender you haven't even taken out of the box.

Lily: It's a really nice blender.

Marshall: Well, if you love that blender so much, why don't you just marry it?

Lily: I can't. I married you. That's how we got the blender.

(Marshall crosses his arms) Lily: What's wrong?

Marshall: Nothing, nothing's wrong. What could be wrong? Except that when you die I'm gonna find out that your parting words to comfort me for all eternity were "cancel Vogue."

Lily: How can you open my letter?

Marshall: That was not a letter. It was barely even a text message. Next time you write something that short, at least have the courtesy to make it rhyme.

(Marshall walks towards front door)

Lily: Marshall, wait. This is our first fight as a married couple...

Marshall: Oh, baby...

Lily: Oh...

(Marshall and Lily hug, when done hugging, Marshall walks backwards out front door and slams door)

(exterior shots of famous New York spots)

Future Ted VO: Kids, when you visit New York, there are countless fun things to see and do, and yet Colleen and Lindsay took us to Tater-Skinz.

INT. TATER-SKINZ

(Lindsay, Ted, Barney and Colleen sitting in booth)

Colleen: This is our favorite restaurant in the city.

Ted: Yes, I'm sure it's the best of their 57 "spudtacular" East Coast locations.

Lindsay: I'm gonna run to the restroom.

Colleen: I'm gonna go too.

(Lindsay and Colleen leave, Ted falls over groaning, Barney laughs)

Barney: This is the easiest date ever. You know what I'm gonna try next? A knock-knock joke.

Ted: Somehow we have managed to find the two lamest New Yorkers of all time.

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted.

Ted: Dude, I am looking at you. What?

Barney: Right. Stay with me. We are on the cusp of moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers.

(Barney and Ted high-five)

Ted: All right, just one more hour.

Barney: Nice. Hey.

Ted: Hey.

(Lindsay and Colleen return and sit down)

Lindsay: Hey, our friends invited us to a party. You guys wanna come along?

Barney: Knock knock.

Lindsay: Who's there?

Barney: Yes we do.

(everyone laughs)

INT ROBIN'S APARTMENT

(Robin walks into living room area where Gael and traveling friends are watching TV)

Robin: Quick announcement. I am so glad that you're here, fellow travelers. A couple of rules, not even rules, let's call them guidelines for harmonious living. Guideline for harmonious living number one, the kitchen sink is dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL number two, marijuana is illegal in the United States, even when baked into a blueberry muffin that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast right before they leave for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And number three, I...

(everyone cheers and high-fives)

Robin: (more loudly) And number three is please keep the noise to a minimum. I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.

INT. CAB

(Barney, Colleen, Lindsay and Ted are sitting in back seat of cab)

Barney: Everything's so bright, even at night. No wonder this city never sleeps.

Ted: We're going north, why did we cross over the FDR? We should have taken the Hudson.

Barney: Now he knows all the streets. Somebody's been watching too many Steinfeld reruns.

(everyone laughs) Ted: Where are we even going anyway?

148th and Brooke Avenue.

A hundred...In the South Bronx? At this time of night? We're gonna get killed.

Ted, I think these local New Yorkers know more about the city than we do, so relax. We're in very capable hands.

EXT. STREET

(siren sound, Ted and Barney talk to police officer)

Ted: There were three of them, at least two guns, they took all our money.

Barney: Well, I only had traveler's checks.

INT. APARTMENT

(Lily sitting on couch, Marshall walks over to her from the kitchen)

Marshall: Hey, babe. I've been thinking about our fight.

Lily: Yes?

Marshall: I'm really, really ... surprised that you haven't apologized to me yet.

Lily: Wow, you really wanna open this up again. Oh, I forgot, you open everything up, even if you're not supposed to until I'm dead.

Marshall: You know this is important. Why won't you just write the letter?

Lily: Because I can't bear the thought of not being with you. Not even for long enough to write you a stupid letter.

Marshall: Really?

Lily: Yes, really. Plus I know as soon as I write it, you're just gonna open it up and read it again.

Marshall: Lily, I won't, I promise.

Lily: OK, I'll write you a letter from my deathbed.

Marshall: Do you mind, um, maybe slipping in a little bit of dirty stuff too?

Lily: I tell you what, how about I make it all dirty stuff and slip in a little clean stuff?

Marshall: You're the best. And maybe a couple Polaroids?

EXT. STREET

(Ted and Barney stand next to a police car standing, police officer talking to Lindsay and Colleen)

Ted: Come on, let's get out of here, this night's a disaster.

Barney: What? This night couldn't have gone any better. We just survived a mugging, you know what that means.

Ted: Thank-God-we're-alive sex.

Barney: Thank-God-we're-alive sex. It's even better than I-can't-believe-you-just-proposed-to-me sex, which I've only had like four or five times. Ted, please, we are so close.

Ted: All right, I'm in. I've never worked this hard for anything in my life.

(Lindsay and Colleen walk over to Ted and Barney)

Ted: Whew!

Lindsay: Wow, I think we all need to go back to our place and recover.

Colleen: Yeah, I just wanna celebrate the fact that we survived, you know?

Ted: Mm-hm.

Barney: Me too. So, where do you live?

Ted: What, West village?

Colleen: Close. West Orange.

Ted: West Orange, New Jersey?

Colleen: Yeah.

Ted: You guys live in New Jersey, not New York?

Barney: Theodore...

Colleen: Yep.

Ted: New Jersey?

Barney: Teddy...

Colleen: Yeah, but don't worry, it's pretty much New York.

Ted: Oh no, oh no...

Barney: Oh no.

Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York." You are not "pretty much new Yorkers."

Colleen: And how would you know?

Ted: Because I live here. That's right, I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that? Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not because this is the greatest city in the world, and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York?" Because I will do a lot to get laid but I am not going to New Jersey!

Barney: You're not from Missouri?! Well, I will be a monkey's unc...

(Barney walks over to Lindsay and Colleen with arms outstretched, Lindsay and Colleen turn away from him towards police officers)

Barney: Right.

Lindsay: Can we get a ride?

(Lindsay, Colleen and police officers walk past Ted and Barney to police car) Barney: Hey, um, sir, can we get a ride too?

Police officer: Newark, born and raised.

INT. ROBIN'S BEDROOM

(Robin and Gael sleeping, drumming sound wakes up Robin, Robin sighs and gets out of bed and walks into living room)

INT. ROBIN'S LIVING ROOM

Robin: Can you just please keep it down?

(Robin sees "evolved, Argentina" Robin drumming on couch)

Argentina Robin: What happened to you, man? You said you wouldn't change, but look at you.

No more tan, no more beaded braids. No more lush untamed forest of leg and armpit hair. You're back at work. What gives?

Robin: Well, I have to have a job.

Argentina Robin: "I have to have a job." God, that's so American.

Robin: I'm Canadian, you know that.

Argentina Robin: What about the important things, like making your own jewelry? And lying on the beach and thinking about peace? Don't you care about thinking about peace?

Robin: Wow, I just realized something

Argentina Robin: That you've lost your way.

Robin: No, that you really suck. You're boring and lame. And you're getting sand everywhere. Seriously, where is all the sand coming from? You're not the real me. All you are is me on vacation trying to get away from a break-up.

Argentina Robin: Don't you remember Argentina?

(Argentina Robin gets up from couch and approaches Robin)

Argentina Robin: Don't you wanna go back?

(Argentina Robin brushes some of Robin's hair aside)

Robin: What are you doing?

Argentina Robin: Shh. Let this happen.

(Argentina Robin keeps getting closer to Robin as if to kiss her)

INT. ROBIN'S BEDROOM (Robin and Gael sleeping in bed, Robin wakes up suddenly, hears drumming sound, Robin gets out of bed and goes out to living room)

INT. ROBIN'S LIVING ROOM

(Robin walks into living room to find her houseguests in a drum circle)

Robin: All right, everyone out. I said everyone out!

(everyone keeps drumming, Robin walks out of living room)

INT. ROBIN'S BEDROOM

(Robin goes back into her bedroom, opens her bedside table and pulls out gun, walks back out into living room, drumming stops, there are panicked shouts)

Australian Guy: (voice from living room) All right, we're leaving, we're leaving, OK! Michael Moore was so right about Americans.

(Robin goes back into her bedroom)

Robin: I'm Canadian!

(Robin slams bedroom door, wakes up Gael)

Gael: Robin, you OK?

Robin: No I'm not. Listen, Gael, I need to talk to you about something.

(Robin puts gun on dresser and walks over to Gael's side of bed)

Future Ted VO: After they broke up, Robin went back to being Robin.

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Robin sits down at booth with Barney with a sign)

Barney: Welcome home, Scherbatsky.

Robin: Ah, good to be back. Although, it's weird, vacation Robin popped into my dream again last night.

Barney: Listening.

Robin: This time we went all the way. I'll tell you one thing, she may be sandy but that chick knows what I like.

INT. APARTMENT

(Marshall sitting on couch, Lily enters living room from their bedroom)

Lily: OK. Done. But I really don't want you reading this unless you know, something happens.

You swear to me you won't open it?

Marshall: Totally, what does it say?

(Lily sits down next to Marshall)

Lily: Marshall, I'm serious.

Marshall: OK. I promise I won't, I won't open that until you're dead.

Lily: OK.

(Lily kisses Marshall)

Future Ted VO: After 22 wonderful years of marriage, Marshall kept his promise, until November 1st of last year when sadly...

(2029 Marshall sitting at table takes envelope from death folder, kisses it and opens it, unfolds letter to read it)

Angel Lily: (over Future Marshall's shoulder) Busted! I knew you'd read this! You suck, Marshall, you totally suck.

Future Marshall: That's it? I suck? Lily!

(Future Lily walks in)

Future Lily: Yes you suck. You said you wouldn't read it and you did.

Future Marshall: Well, you didn't keep your promise either. I don't see any dirty pictures in here.

Future Lily: Oh, fine, I'll take the dirty pictures.

Future Marshall: I don't want them now.

Future Lily: What is that supposed to mean?

Future Marshall: What? Nothing. Nothing. You're beautiful. I would love the photos. Have I told you how beautiful you look?
 

END OF EPISODE

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