The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" in courtesy of KATHY in association with TVTDB.COM. "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING

INT. APARTMENT

(Ted working at desk)

Future Ted VO: It was a quiet November afternoon in 2007. I was working from home because, you know, no distractions.

(Barney enters through front door, Marshall enters from his bedroom, they speak excitedly over each other)

Barney: This is incredible, I have big news.

Marshall: Oh my God. I can't believe...

Barney: My thing's pretty huge, fine, but you go first.

Marshall: OK, I just got ...

Barney: (interrupting) I found a porno starring Ted Mosby.

Ted: What are you talking about?

Barney: I'm talking about "Welcome to the Sex Plane," and look who plays the navigator. Ted Mosby.

(Barney passes a DVD over to Ted, Ted looks at it)

Ted: Oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name.

Marshall: OK, you know, cute coincidence, Barney, whatever. I just got off the phone with the ...

Ted: (interrupting) Oh my God, this totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.

(flashback Ted at doctor's office)

Doctor: Open wide.

(Ted opens wide, Doctor approaches him with a tongue depressor)

Doctor: I guess you're more used to saying that than hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby?

(Doctor puts tongue depressor in Ted's mouth, Doctor chuckles, Ted looks confused)

(back to present scene)

Ted: Who is this guy? And why is my doctor watching porn?

(Barney takes DVD from Ted and walks over to TV)

Barney: All right, let's meet your new doppelganger, or should I say "doppelbanger?" Hey-oh.

Marshall: Guys, guys, guys, can I tell you my news? It's pretty...

Ted: (interrupting) This is really bizarre. The only other famous Mosby I know is a Confederate general during the Civil War.

Barney: Probably not the same guy.

Marshall: I got the job at the NRDC

Ted: You got the job!

(Ted and Marshall hug)

(shots of nature during VO)

Future Ted VO: The NRDC or Natural Resources Defense Council, fought to preserve America's clean water, fresh air, and pristine wilderness. It was Marshall's dream job.

(back to present scene)

Ted: Congrats buddy.

Marshall: Thanks. It's kinda weird hugging with porn on.

Ted: Yeah, really is.

Barney: Hey. Hey-oh. New guy entering the cockpit, could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby?

Ted: Uh, no, no. Navigator's have three stripes on their hats. Captain's have four. That guy's a captain.

Barney: Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors, Dirt and Skank, the Raunch brothers.

(Lily and Robin enter apartment through front door)

Marshall: Baby, I have some exciting news.

Lily: I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here.

Marshall: I got the job at the NRDC.

(Lily hugs Marshall)

Barney: And I got porno starring Ted Mosby.

Lily: Oh my God, that's amazing.

Barney: I know, right?

Robin: Congratulations, Marshall.

(Robin hugs Marshall)

Barney: Congratulations to us all.

Lily: Let's go celebrate.

Barney: The fact that I found a porno starring a guy named Ted Mosy? Let's do it.

Robin: Huh, is that him? 'Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.

Ted: No, that's not him. What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing?

Robin: No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, he really knows what he's doing, like all Ted Mosby's.

Wow, NRDC, way to go, Marshall.

Lily: But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby?

(cut to exterior of very tall buildings, then shots of plant with lots of smoke, tree being cut down)

Future Ted VO: Marshall's interview was with a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West.

They represented, well, pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue once he started at the NRDC.

(back to present scene)

Marshall: I'm not doing that interview. Those people are evil.

Lily: Marshall, your dad went to a lot of trouble to set this up. You can't just pull out at the last second.

Robin: Apparently you can.

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in a hat, three stripes. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Ted Mosby, porn star.

(everyone claps)

Everyone: Whoa.

Robin: I know what kind of plane this is. It's a "boing."

Barney: See, this is way better than Marshall's internship.

Marshall: It's a real job.

Ted: Who is this guy? Are we related? Do I look like him? Marshall: It's hard to tell. Go like this.

(Marshall screws up his face, Ted copies his facial expression)

Barney: Oh yeah, a little bit. Around the eyes.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Lily, Barney, Ted and Robin sit around booth, Wendy is serving them drinks)

Wendy: And here's your water, in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.

Ted: Very funny, Wendy, now we know you watch porn.

(Wendy the Waitress walks away)

Ted: This Ted Mosby must be getting kinda famous.

Barney: You're not wrong. According to the website of the far superior Ted Mosby, he's been in the business three months and he's made 125 movies.

Robin: Wow, that's 42 movies a month. Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies. I mean, not so much lately, but maybe like two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...

Ted: Sh, sh.

Barney: Oh, hey. Check it out. Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.

Ted: Adult video weekly. Oh no.

(flashback to Ted, Lily and Marshall in apartment, Ted's phone rings, Ted answers)

Ted: Hello.

(guy sitting in Adult Video Weekly office on phone)

Larry: Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. It's Larry Ross from AVW.

Ted: My God, AVW.

(Ted covers phone and whispers to Lily and Marshall)

Ted: It's Architecture Vision Weekly.

(Ted gets back on phone)

Ted: Wow, I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.

(Larry on phone)

Larry: Oh, that's a bummer. Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.

(Ted on phone)

Ted: Well, I don't want to say it's my project. I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.

(Larry on phone)

Larry: Oh, group scene, always fun.

(Ted on phone)

Ted: I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard, but they're great guys.

(Larry on phone)

Larry: Guys. Whoa-ho, that's a scoop.

(back to present scene)

Ted: That interview went on for twenty minutes.

(Lily reads from Barney's iphone)

Lily: This project is so demanding, I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table.

(Marshall walks in, Marshall sits down next to Lily)

Lily: Oh, hey, baby, how did the interview go?

Marshall: Um, interesting. There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth, and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, I might as well give this old bastard a piece of my mind. Jefferson Coatsworth wasn't what I expected.

(flashback to Marshall's interview)

Jeff: Marshall, Jeff Coatsworth.

(Jeff extends his hand to Marshall)

Marshall: Hello.

(Marshall stands up and shakes Jeff's hand)

Jeff: Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here. Can I beer you? Future Ted VO: Marshall was thrown. This guy seemed nice. Of course he wasn't.

('three years later,' Jeff is being led out his office building handcuffed with news people outside)

Jeff: Go to hell. I'd do it again. I'm innocent. I'm innocent.

(back to flashback of Marshall's interview)

Jeff: Marshall. You wanna work at Nicholson, Hewitt and West.

Marshall: Right. OK, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought...

(Jeff gives Marshall a beer and sits on top of his desk)

Jeff: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, stop. I can't do this with a straight face. You don't wanna work here. You're only here because your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt. Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. And it's awesome. Man, I could have gone the nonprofit route. I didn't. And it eats me up inside every day. I hate myself. (looking in mirror) I hate myself.

(back to present scene)

Barney: Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique.

Marshall: What do you mean?

Barney: Oh, I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her, I mean you, a drink. Now I'm the guy who gets her what she wants. Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. For you that would be the environment. Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests. And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting "oh-oh, Bar-ar-ney-ey-ey!" And by you, I mean her.

Marshall: He is not trying to seduce me. He didn't even offer me the job.

Barney: That comes later, at dinner. He did invite you to dinner, didn't he?

(flashback to Marshall's interview)

Jeff: Let me buy you dinner, tomorrow night, as a thank you. OK? You'll tell me all about the NRDC and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients.

Marshall: I, you know, I don't know...

Jeff: You know what Kobe beef is?

Marshall: The most expensive beef in the world.

Jeff: The place I'm taking you has Kobe lobster. That is lobster fed with Kobe beef.

(back to present scene)

Marshall: Oh my God, he's trying to seduce me.

Robin: So, are you gonna go to dinner with him?

Marshall: No, no way, I promised myself to the NRDC. I'm not that kind of lawyer.

Lily: Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.

Barney: Don't wait up.

Robin: Guy, guys, guys, check this out. Ted Mosby, porn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown, Shaker Heights, Ohio.

Ted: What? OK, this is getting creepy. Who is this guy? I've gotta find him.

Robin: Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.

Lily: Wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for porn?

Barney: Affirmative. Or to put it another way, God bless America.

INT. RESTAURANT

(Marshall and Jeff are having dinner)

Marshall: You can really taste the beef in that lobster.

Jeff: Right? Listen, I know we're only here to screw over my client, who quite frankly deserves it, but I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs that I gave you the spiel, OK? So first off, starting salary.

(Jeff takes small piece of paper out of his pocket and puts it on table and slides it over to Marshall)

Marshall: Here we go. This is a big number that's supposed to impress me.

(Marshall picks up paper and looks at it and puts it back down)

Marshall: Wow. That is a big number.

Jeff: There's also a signing bonus, use of a company car, expense account, blah blah blah. Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze.

(Jeff and Marshall wave in same direction)

Marshall: I'm gonna, uh, try to remain cool, but, you know Patrick Swayze?

Jeff: He's a client. Who do you think bought us this wine?

(Jeff lifts his wine glass up)

Jeff: Crazy Swayze! Cheers, buddy.

Marshall: OK, no, Jeff, this is all pretty impressive. But I just don't think ...

Jeff: I know, I know. You're not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks. You're gonna do the noble thing, take the low-paying job at the NRDC, live off the family money.

Marshall: Family money? Jeff: You do have family money, don't you? Marshall: No, um, not that I know of. I do have an uncle who owns a pretty successful bake shop.

Jeff: NRDC. No family money. Oh. So you don't plan on having kids? Marshall: Actually, I wanna have four kids.

Jeff: Well, New York public schools make a lot of parents nervous, but the kids who walk out, walk out proud.

Future Ted VO: It was turning into a tough decision.

(yellow legal pad with hand writing in blue – in pros column is money, security, Swayze; in the cons column is evil)

Future Ted VO: Now, kids, when I'm facing a tough decision, I like to get out the old yellow legal pad and make a list of pros and cons. Marshall knew all the cons.

INT. APARTMENT

(Lily and Robin in living room looking at things Lily bought)

Future Ted VO: But there's one thing he didn't know, a big item in the pros column.

Robin: Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher.

Lily: Yeah.

Future Ted VO: 'Cause robin was about to ask Lily the one question.

Robin: And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right?

Lily: Yeah.

Future Ted VO: That Lily had been dreading for years.

Robin: How do you afford all of these expensive clothes?

Lily: I shop the sales.

(Robin looks at Lily)

Lily: They were in the closet when we moved in. I steal. I'm a criminal. I once shot a man just to watch him die.

Robin: Lily.

Lily: OK.

(Lily walks over to her bedroom)

Future Ted VO: That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame.

(Lily dumps many, many credit cards out from a box)

Robin: Lily, this is nuts. How many credit cards do you have? Lily: I don't know.

Robin: Well, how much do you owe?

Lily: I don't know.

EXT. BUILDING

INT. ADULT VIDEO EXPO

(Barney talking to blonde girl, Ted walks over to him)

Ted: Wow. I can't believe this many people love porn this much. Including a guy who works at human resources at my firm.

(Ted waves) Ted: Hey. Let's just wave at each other awkwardly, that'll make it better. Dude, come on, let's just find bizarro me and get out of here.

Barney: Oh, oh, I get it. Ted Mosby, non-porn-star, thinks this is all crude and disgusting. You know who else was considered crude and disgusting? Shakespeare. But his themes – love, lust, forbidden desire – were universal, which is why his work stood the test of time, and so will all this. 400 years from now, some high school drama class will be doing a plucky spirited production of Beef Party Seven.

INT. APARTMENT

(Lily and Robin talk on couch)

Robin: Oh my God, Lily, that is a lot of debt. How did you get yourself into this situation?

Lily: I don't know what it is. When I feel down about something, I shop.

(flashback to Lily at shoe store, Lily puts boots on counter)

Shopgirl: Ma'am, is everything OK? Lily: Oh, I just had a huge fight with my mother. She doesn't understand me at all.

(Lily puts her credit card on the counter) (different flashback where Lily puts another pair of boots on the counter)

Lily: I swore that teaching would be a way to support my painting career, but I never paint anymore.

(Lily puts her credit card on the counter)

(another flashback where Lily puts another pair of boots on the counter)

Lily: I just got a huge credit card bill.

(Lily puts credit card on counter) (back to present scene)

Robin: Does Marshall know?

Lily: No.

Robin: But you guys are the couple who tell each other everything. And for God's sake, Lily, you text him when he's on the can.

Lily: Well, I just want him to know I'm rotting for him.

Robin: Wait, this all makes sense. So when you said...

(flashback)

Lily: But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby?

(back to present scene)

Robin: And then...

(flashback)

Lily: No, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna take the job but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.

(back to present scene)

Robin: You were pushing him into taking that high-paying corporate job.

Lily: I know. It's terrible that I was trying to get him to do that.

Robin: Terrible? He has to take it. How else are you gonna pay off that debt? Lily, you have to tell him about this before he turns down that job. Lily: You're right. I feel awful. You know, there's a sale...

Robin: We're not going shopping.

EXT. BUILDING

INT. ADULT VIDEO EXPO

(Ted and Barney walk over to Porn Ted)

Ted: There he is. Come on, let's go.

Barney: I get so nervous around celebrites.

Ted: Hi Ted Mosby. I'm Ted Mosby.

Porn Ted: Ted Mosby, it's you.

(Porn Ted shakes Ted's hand)

Ted: Have we met?

Barney: It is an honor to meet you, sir.

(Barney shakes hands with Porn Ted)

Barney: Starney Binson. Barney Stinson. Dammit.

Porn Ted: We have met. My real name's Steve Beale. When I was in fourth grade, you were in ninth, and one day I was out behind the school and a bunch of seventh graders were just beating the crap out of me.

Ted: Yeah, I remember. That was you?

Porn Ted: Yeah, but you pulled them off me. You told them to go pick on someone their own size.

Ted: Huh.

Porn Ted: I vowed, right then, that when I made something of myself, that I would honor you somehow.

Ted: So you took my name and starred in "Welcome to the Sex Truck"

Porn Ted: Yeah.

Ted: Um, yeah, listen, Ted. You gotta stop using my name. I'm trying to make a career as an architect.

Porn Ted: Architect, huh? You mean, like a sex architect?

Ted: What?

Barney: Yeah, you know, you're on to something. That would make a great title of a film. "Ted Mosby: Sex Architect."

Porn Ted: You know, I'm actually looking for a new project to shoot next Friday afternoon.

Ted: Yeah, listen, isn't there some other way you can honor me? With all due respect... Porn Ted: Wait, you're not mad, are you? Oh man, I knew it. My father said just plant a tree in Israel. Such an idiot. I guess I thought you'd be psyched.

Ted: I am. I am, but I just feel a little guilty because I'm not the one who saved you that day.

The guy who actually saved you was named Lance Hardwood.

Barney: Lance Hardwood. Yeah.

Porn Ted: Really?

Ted: Mm. Porn Ted: You might not know this, but in this business that's kind of a killer name.

Ted: Yeah, I guess, I guess it is.

Porn Ted: I can see the poster now. "Lance Hardwood: Sex Architect. Starring Ted Mosby."

Barney: I love it.

INT. RESTAURANT

(Jeff and Marshall at dinner)

Future Ted VO: Marshall and Jeff stayed pretty late at the restaurant. They stayed so late, Marshall crashed on Jeff's couch.

EXT. NEW YORK SKYLINE

Future Ted VO: And the next day, Marshall took part in a Sunday morning tradition as old as the city itself.

EXT. JEFF'S BUILDING

(Jeff and Marshall say good-bye as Marshall leaves and walks down the street, girls doing their own walk of shame around him)

Future Ted VO: The walk of shame. The long journey home after doing something you regret the night before.

(flashback to Marshall and Jeff at dinner the night before)

Marshall: I'll take the job.

Jeff: What? That's awesome.

(back to present scene)

Jeff: Great time last night. I'll call ya later.

Girl: He's not gonna call you.

INT. APARTMENT

(Lily sits on couch, Marshall enters through front door)

Marshall: Hey.

Lily: Hey.

Marshall: Um, did you get my message? I just crashed on the couch...

Lily: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen. I have, uh, something to tell you.

Marshall: I have something I need to tell you also.

Lily: Mine's pretty huge.

Marshall: You go first.

Lily: Well...

Marshall: (interrupting) I took the job! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I was drunk, and it was a haze of cigars and Scotch and Swayze! And they offered me like, like, like, like a lot of money.

Lily: Oh Marshall. How much money?

Marshall: Here.

(Marshall takes paper out of his inside jacket pocket and hands it to Lily, Lily opens it and her jaw drops, Lily envisions herself in a sea of boots with more boots raining down on her)

Marshall: It's completely despicable. I know, I know, I sold out for a huge pile of disgusting money. Disgusting money that could help our future family, have some financial security, and you helped pay for law school. Law school. Law school that I went to to help protect the environment, not destroy it, and for what? For, for a lot of money.

(Marshall screams)

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Marshall, Ted and Barney sit around booth, Marshall's scream continues)

Ted: OK. You gotta stop screaming. Listen, Marshall, you know what I like to do in situations like this?

Marshall: Ted, if you say make a list of pros and cons, I'm going to smack you.

Ted: I wasn't gonna say that.

Wendy: OK, two beers, and, Ted, here's that yellow legal pad you asked for.

Ted: Yellow legal pad? I ordered fries. Maybe you should use this to write down people's orders.

Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to do.

Barney: Take the money. Money's good. Money is happiness.

Marshall: If I work there, I'll be representing the most evil corporations in the world.

Ted: Sounds like a pro and con list to me.

(Robin and Lily talk by bar)

Robin: Lily, you have to tell him. You can help him make this decision.

Lily: Oh, I think he's doing fine on his own.

(Lily looks behind her to see Marshall with his head down on table mumbling to himself)

Lily: All right.

(Lily and Robin walk over to booth)

Lily: Marshall. I have something to say, and it's gonna help you make your decision.

Marshall: Oh, of course, you know my heart better than I do. You know what's best for me and for us. Please, please tell me what to do.

Lily: I think you should take the job at the NRDC.

Marshall: Of course I should. Of course I should.

(Marshall hugs Lily)

Marshall: Guys, I am going to save the planet Earth. I gotta go call Jeff.

(Marshall gets up from booth and walks outside, Lily and Robin walk away from booth)

Robin: What is the matter with you? Lily: I can't ask him to make himself miserable because of a mistake I made. It's my problem, I'll figure it out.

Robin: That's really sweet. Those new earrings?

Lily: What are you, my mom?

EXT. MACLAREN'S

(Marshall walks on the street while talking on his cell phone) Marshall: Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall.

Jeff: Hey Marshall.

Marshall: I have something that I need to tell you. I feel really weird about doing this over the phone.

Jeff: Then don't.

(Limo pulls up with Jeff sitting in back)

Jeff: Before you say anything, come take a ride in this awesome limo with me.

Marshall: Where are we going?

Jeff: Tuckahoe Funland.

Marshall: I'm sorry, it sounded like you said Tuckahoe Funland, the magic factory where dreams are made.

Jeff: Get in.

EXT. TUCKAHOE FUNLAND

(Marshall and Jeff ride on Ferris wheel, Marshall eats a corndog)

Marshall: Man, I love this place.

Jeff: Me too, buddy. So what did you wanna tell me? Marshall: I can't work for you. Jeff: I know, dude. It's fine. Marshall Eriksen wants to preserve the environment so that our children can enjoy it as we have. I get it.

Marshall: Good, thank you.

Jeff: I look down, see children enjoying this place.

Marshall: Yeah, because somebody fought to preserve it. If they ever shut this place down, it would be a tragedy.

Jeff: Well, the good news is that'll never happen. You won't let it. Because when you work for us, your only client will be this place, Tuckahoe Funland.

INT. MACLAREN'S

(Ted, Robin, Marshall, Lily and Barney sit around booth)

Marshall: I'm taking the job. And the best part is, I'm not even gonna be representing some sort of evil corporation. I will be representing...Tuckahoe Funland, the least evil place in the world.

Future Ted VO: Or so Marshall thought.

(newspaper headline reads "Funland Safety Scandal!", another newspaper headline reads "3 Die at Funland", another newspaper headline reads "E. Coli Outbreak Traced to Funland Corndogs")

(back to present scene)

Marshall: Uh-oh.

(Marshall gets up and walks over to bathroom)

Lily: Oh, I better check on him.

Lily (texting) : Good luck in there baby. I believe in you.

INT. APARTMENT

(Robin, Ted, and Marshall sit on couch, Lily walks over from kitchen, Barney enters front door)

Barney: Got it. "Lance Hardwood: Sex Architect," starring Ted Mosby.

Ted: Terrific.

(Barney walks over to TV and puts DVD into player)

Barney: You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.

(Barney turns on TV and DVD with remote, TV screen shows Porn Ted typing at desk with girl sitting on top of desk)

Porn Ted: Here are the plans for the new international sex building.

Ted: Wow, that really looks like our apartment.

Barney: It is. Oh, I should return this.

(Barney throws keys to Ted, Ted catches them)

Porn Girl: Oh, sex architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

(Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily get up quickly from couch)

END OF EPISODE

==========================
TRANSCRIBED BY KATHY FOR TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE
DO NOT ARCHIVE/REPOSTE ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET!
==========================