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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Mindy Kaling (Kelly) , Creed Bratton (Creed)


INT. THE OFFICE

(Michael is standing by reception holding a football)

Michael: Let's think this through. If we ask corporate for that, (throws the football to Dwight) then...

Dwight: They are either...(Angela walks by and rolls her eyes)...gonna say yes...or no.

(Dwight tosses the football back to Michael)

Michael: Could go either way.

(Michael tosses the ball back to Dwight, Jim watches it sail over his head)

Michael: We don't know what they are going to say.

(Dwight throws the ball to Dwight)

Dwight: Think it through!

Michael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no...

(Michael throws the ball, but it knocks things over on Jim's desk)

Jim: Can we not?

Michael: No, yes we have to. You know why? 'Cause I don't like to be cooped up in that office. In that box all day long. (catches the ball and strikes a pose) Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin!

(Michael throws the ball at an unsuspecting Kevin)

(Kevin barely catches the ball, dropping all his papers in the process)

Michael: Oooh!

(Kevin angrily throws the ball back at Michael)

Michael: Ugh! Nice catch. Mm mm mm mm. Oscar!

(Michael throws the ball at Oscar, but Jim catches the ball instead)

Michael: Intercepted. Right here. Give it to me.

(Jim pretends to hand it to Michael, but tosses it to Phyllis)

Michael: Phyllis, give me the ball. Okay, give me the ball.

(Phyllis tosses the ball to Creed)

Michael: You guys...Creed. Give me the ball, right now. Give it to me.

Creed: Here Michael, sure.

Michael: Give it to me.

(Ryan is passing by, Creed tosses it to him)

Creed: Ryan.

(Dwight comes running from behind and tackles Ryan)

Dwight: Aaaah! Fumble! Yeah!

(Dwight picks up the ball and runs into Creed, knocking him down)

(In the moment, Dwight turns around and runs at Stanley and knocks him down too)

Michael: All right, hey, Dwight!

Dwight: Ha ha ha! Whooo! Hut hut hut hike!

(Dwight hikes the ball back to Michael)

(Dwight gets up, panting and glasses hanging off his nose)

Michael: You all right, Ryan? Ryan?

(Ryan lifts his head off the floor)

Ryan: Yeah.

(Michael sighs, then winds up...)

Michael: Pam!

CUT TO INTRO WITH CREDITS

INT. THE OFFICE, JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA

(Dwight is looking at his computer)

Dwight: Oh, they're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Ooh, DVD burner. Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the ninth place prize again? A loaf of bread?

Jim: Cojino's pizza.

Dwight: Oh, great. Tasty terrific pizza. Hmm. Question, do their pizza play DVDs? (tries to suppress his grin)

(Jim just looks at Dwight as Dwight grins at the camera)

Jim: (VO) Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM

Jim: He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern, Pennsylvania based, mid-sized, paper company, regional salesman, can attain. So...

CUT TO THE KITCHEN

Jim: What did I do to deserve this?

Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?

Jim: No.

Pam: Are you gonna cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?

Phyllis: Hey, I heard that you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?

Pam: Oh, uh, yeah. Um, I'll show 'em to you later.

(Phyllis glances at Jim)

Phyllis: Oh.

Jim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.

Pam: Okay, cool.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM

Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um, just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then, I just-I just don't want to offend...Angela. Or someone.

CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA

(Dwight is eating grapes by holding the cluster above his mouth and lowering them)

(Jim is watching a bit disgusted)

(Michael walks in)

Michael: That's what she said.

Dwight: Ha! I don't get it.

Michael: Grapes, seductive.

(Dwight continues eating)

Michael: So, you ready for the big speech this afternoon?

Dwight: Well, it's not really a big speech. You're still coming, right?

Michael: Oh, abso-fruitly. Fruit, grapes. (to camera) Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Uh, and yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.

(Dwight stops eating and looks at Michael)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Speaker at the sales convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just- I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because somebody gives you proof of it.

(Quick cut to Michael holding up a plaque and certificate)

Michael: (VO) Sir, you're awesome. Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by, and you need more proof? Here's a certificate.

(Cut back to Michael)

Michael: They stopped making plaques that year.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Dwight it pacing around)

Dwight: What if I give a really long extended thank you? For instance, thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you, very, very...

Michael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen, and salesmen expect to be entertained. And you are the main act.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT

Dwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".

Dwight: I can't do this.

Michael: That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.

Dwight: Okay.

Michael: But, I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.

Dwight: Okay, deal. I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked.

Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.

Dwight: I'll try to think of one. When-

Michael: Don't-don't try to think of a question to humor me. Just try not to be such an idiot.

Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?

Michael: (sips his coffee) Insult.(looks at the camera)

CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA

(Jim is working at his desk and looks up to hear Pam on the phone)

Pam: (on phone) Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and dad are chipping in for the wedding, but I do not want orange invitations. (Pam sees Jim and rolls her eyes) Yes. (turns around away from Jim) Well, if you really want...

(Jim picks up his own phone)

Jim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM

Jim: I'm gonna take a trip. I'm gonna get out of town for a while. And go someplace...not here.

CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK

Jim: Where do I want to go? Um, that is an excellent question.

(Angela walks over to the thermostat and turns it up slightly)

Jim: (OS) And one I probably should have thought about before I called you.

(Oscar turns around to see Angela)

Oscar: (VO) I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it...

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF OSCAR

Oscar: ...a little cooler, around 66 degrees.

(Quick cut of Oscar re-adjusting the thermostat)

Oscar: (VO) I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do.

(Cut back to Oscar)

Oscar: But I don't care.

CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM

(Dwight is seated as Michael stands before him making a speech)

(They are the only two in the room)

Michael: But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Dwight: A saleswoman has a vagina.

Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a sex ed class.

Dwight: But I'm right.

Michael: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman but not about the punchline to the joke, all right? The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs.

Dwight: Hey, do you remember the speeches that you gave?

Michael: I do. Both of them.

Dwight: Could I have a copy of one of them?

Michael: No, no, they would remember. Look, it doesn't matter what you say, it just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right, here we go. Watch this. (he walks out into the office area) Attention everybody! Attention please. I have some very great news from corporate. We had a wonderful quarter, and as a result, all of you are getting bonuses for $1,000.

Dwight: Yeah!

(The whole office is happy, smiling, and applauding)

Michael: Congratulations.

(Michael and Dwight head back into the conference room)

Michael: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.

Dwight: That is so great about the bonus!

Michael: No, no. It's not true. I was just talking. So, just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up, they're a great audience.

CUT TO THE OFFICE

(Everyone is celebrating their fake bonuses)

(Stanley is happily talking on the phone, Creed is drumming away in the background)

Stanley: Go ahead, get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want.

Dwight: Excuse me? May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.

Pam: Do we know anyone who was injured in the accident?

Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also, there will be no bonuses.

Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?

Dwight: They're unrelated.

Kelly: Is Brad okay?

Dwight: He will never act again. (Michael sighs) Also, this branch is closing.

Oscar: What the hell is going on here?

Angela: Are we out of jobs?

Dwight: Yes.

Kelly: This is karma for what he did to Jennifer Anniston.

Michael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding. And I don't know why because it wasn't funny. And it was just horrible. Ju-

Stanley: Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses.

Michael: All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.

Stanley: (OS) Cancel the wallpaper.

CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM

Michael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can. And did, twice. (to camera) You saw the plaque, right? (to everybody else) All right, we're all gonna go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way we will overcome or fear of public speaking.

Pam: You mean toastmasters?

Michael: Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.

Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do, have you ever been to a wedding?

Jim: Can I go?

Michael: Yes, good. Jim taking the initiative.

(Michael sits down as Jim stands in front of the room)

Jim: So, uh, I am going on a trip. But I'm not really sure where I'm going yet. It'a kinda open ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions.

Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.

Jim: What is that?

Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.

(Angela rolls her eyes)

Jim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But good second choice.

Toby: Been to Amsterdam.

Michael: Oh, ho, okay, you know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.

(Toby stands up and meekly raises a fake glass)

Toby: To Amsterdam.

Jim: When did you go there?

Toby: Um, after my divorce.

Jim: Really?

Toby: Yeah.

Jim: For like, how long?

Toby: About a week or...maybe or month. I can't-

Creed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam, trust me.

Jim: Where do I wanna go?

Creed: I'd send you to Hong Kong.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF CREED

Creed: I'd like to say hi to my friends in China. (in Chinese) Wode zhongguode pengyou nihao. (Translation: To all my friends in China, Hello.)

CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM

(Jim is sitting down as Michael speaks to the gang again)

Michael: Okay. Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.

(Michael sits down as Dwight gets up)

Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam! (everybody mumbles) (Dwight takes out some index cards) Okay, you know what? This isn't working. Because, um, I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.

Jim: No, we're not.

Dwight: Uh, yes, you are. I am the assistant regional manager.

Jim: Which means absolutely nothing.

Dwight: Michael, can you explain?

Michael: Well, it's mostly made up. So...

(Dwight looks at Michael)

Michael: (VO) Dwight is not going to do a good job, it's sad.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a great job. Two years in a row I killed. It was amazing.

CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM

(Dwight throws his index cards on the ground and walks out)

Michael: Confidence, Dwight!

CUT TO LATER AT JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA

(Dwight is staring at his bobble head)

Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba. And I WILL travel to New Zealand, and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mt. Doom. So, you know, just- leave me alone.

Jim: Okay, just trying to get some advice on my trip.

Dwight: Oh please, you're not taking any trip.

(Jim looks at Dwight, then the camera, then back to Dwight)

Jim: You know, I majored in public speaking in college?

Dwight: You did?

Jim: Mm-hmm. And the first thing that they teach you is that you've gotta be true to yourself. And you are all about authority.

Dwight: Yes, I am.

Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers, they were people of passion. So, if you wanna do well today, you gotta do what they did.

Dwight: Which is?

Jim: You gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists. Many times. (Jim pounds his desk) So as to emphasize your point.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM

Jim: Okay, I didn't actually major in public speaking. But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one. (holds up a sheet) Originally given by Benito Mussolini.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Jim walks up to Dwight)

Jim: Okay, look, I know you're giving this speech on your own. But I wrote up a few talking points for you to look at. Hope you don't mind.

Dwight: I'll glance at it.

(Michael walks out of his office)

Michael: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.

Angela: (from her desk area) The very best of luck to you, Dwight.

Dwight: Thank you, Angela.

(Pam looks at the camera as if to say, "You know they're not fooling anyone.")

(Angela sits back down)

CUT TO JUST OUTSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM

(Pam, Kelly and Ryan are working on Pam's Save-the-date cards)

Kelly: Why'd you pick the VR for the reception?

Pam: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think.

Ryan: You're inviting Jim?

Pam: Of course, he's one of my closest friends.

CUT TO THE SALESMEN CONVENTION

(Michael and Dwight put their nametags on)

Michael: All right, ready? (Dwight starts hyperventilating) Here we go!

(Michael opens the door to a very, very large auditorium)

Michael: Wow, it's a little bit bigger than I remembered. Come on, we're down here in the front.

(The lights dim as Michael Buffer's "Let's Get Ready To Rumble" songs starts blasting)

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Angela starts coughing at her desk)

(She looks at Oscar and sniffs loudly)

Angela: I am just feeling under the weather. And, I think that I will go home and rest.

Kevin: I've never ever seen you take a sick day.

Angela: Well, I've seen you take enough sick days for the both of us.

CUT BACK TO THE CONVENTION

Guy at podium: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder-Mifflin salesman of the year, Dwight Schrute!

(People clap, Dwight looks as though he's going to hurl)

Michael: (whispering) Dwight, they called your name.

Guy at Podium: Dwight, how we doing?

Michael: Okay, you know what?  Okay. No, no problem. You're lucky you have me, I am going to cover for you. (jumps up) All right!

(People clap as Michael makes his way on stage)

Michael: Good morning Vietnam! (the audience is silent) I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. (Dwight starts rocking in his chair) And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that...nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Kevin is getting some water from the water cooler)

(While getting some water, he slyly starts turning the thermostat up)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF KEVIN

Kevin: I always set it at 69. (smiles)

CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM

(Pam, Kelly, and Ryan are still working on the cards)

Pam: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding, but all he's managed to do is set a date.

Kelly: Well, he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?

Ryan: Actually, I don't see ever getting married.

Kelly: Oh.

(Kelly quietly gets up and leaves the room)

Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you, and comments like that, they just-

Ryan: I know what I said.

CUT BACK TO THE CONVENTION

(Michael is still talking, but noticeably sweaty)

Michael: I'm very sorry, I did not know that you were wearing a hearing aid. And I just thought you were speaking...abnormally. And now, the black guy from the Police Academy movies. A robot. (makes sounds into the microphone) Michael Winslow. Anyone? Car starting. (makes more sounds)

(Dwight finally musters the courage and runs up to the stage)

Michael: All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone. (people clap) (to Dwight) Good luck. That is a tough crowd.

(Dwight breathes heavily into the microphone as he pulls out the printouts Jim gave him)

(He clears his throat)

Dwight: (starts pounding the podium) Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, (starts pumping his fist into the air) how long we have been striving for greatness? (pounds the podium) Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. (arm wave and a pound) A never-ending fight. I say to you, (pound) and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! (scattered applause) We are warriors! (more clapping as Michael looks uneasy into the camera) Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, (pound) once more, rise and be worthy of this historical hour.

(Michael starts to leave as Dwight does a weird/nervous/maniacal laugh)

(As Michael leaves, he passes a lady in a hat and sunglasses holding a camera)

(It turns out to be Angela)

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Oscar and Jim are in the kitchen)

Oscar: I got a time share on Key West that might be available.

Jim: Maybe, thanks.

Ryan: You really think you're gonna go?

Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely going.

Ryan: Nice, send me a postcard. (VO) Jim has worked at the same place for five years.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF RYAN

Ryan: Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know, if I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Jim is spinning a globe on Michael's shelf)

(He closes his eyes and randomly picks a point on the globe, it lands in western Africa)

(He puts his other finger on Scranton and judges the distance)

CUT BACK TO THE CONVENTION

Dwight: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend (pound) itself!

(The camera cuts to Michael walking out of the hall)

Dwight: (VO) Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers...

CUT TO THE OFFICE

(Creed gets up from his desk to adjust the thermostat)

Dwight: (VO) ...and door to door charlatans.

(Oscar observes Creed)

Dwight: (VO) This is our duty to change their perception.

CUT BACK TO THE CONVENTION

Dwight: I say, salesmen...and women...of the world, unite.

CUT TO THE BAR AT THE CONVENTION CENTER

(Michael is finishing his drink at the bar as he reaches for another one)

Dwight: (VO) We must never acquiesce. For it is together! Together that we prevail! We must never concede control of the motherland, for it is...

All: Together that we prevail!

(Dwight holds up his fist as the audience applauds)

(Dwight holds up his certificate as he pounds the podium a couple more times)

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Jim is standing at the reception desk, ready to leave for the day)

Pam: Australia? I've always wanted to go there.

Jim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but, (Pam laughs) other than that...um, yeah, I bought the ticket. Non-refundable.

Pam: That's awesome. Where are you staying?

Jim: I don't know. (Pam laughs) I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details, but...

Pam: When are you leaving?

Jim: Um, I'm leaving...on June 8th.

Pam: Oh.

Jim: Yeah, and I'm really sorry about that. I just-

Pam: Oh, yeah, that's too bad.

Jim: Yeah. (silence) Do you want me to take these on my way out?

(Jim points to her stack of Save-the-Date cards)

Pam: It's okay, I got it.

Jim: Alright.

CUT BACK TO THE CONVENTION

(Dwight is walking among the crowd with his certificate getting congratulations from people)

Dwight: Thanks. I appreciate it.

(Michael is still at the bar as Dwight walks by)

Dwight: Okay. There you are. What happened?

Michael: I got thirsty. How'd it go?

Dwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.

Michael: You would not believe what happened here.

Dwight: What, did something happen?

Michael: Oh, this woman came in. Sat down. Ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID, which I thought was odd. Because I pegged her at, like, 35.

Dwight: Weird.

Michael: Yeah, really weird. So, she's like, I don't have my ID. Please, give me one.

Dwight: Uh huh.

Michael: And he's like, I can't do that. I can't serve you.

Dwight: Con artist.

Michael: She might have been. So she says fine, I will go to my room. I will get my purse, I will come back. I'll show you my ID. She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in the room drinking from the minibar. Right?

(Dwight cracks up as him and Michael continue their conversation)

Michael: (VO) Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street, anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar story. So I captivated the guy...

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: ...who captivated 1,000 guys. Can you believe that? 1000 guys.

THE END

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Transcribed by NIKKI for http://www.twiztv.com
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